The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

I read about a woman from California who is driving by herself across the country to visit every single Costco in the U.S. So far, she's traveled 2,000 miles -- and that was just walking through one Costco.

Trump's campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, was being interviewed and said she's "very confident" that Trump isn't breaking any laws during his transition. Then Americans were like, "Uh ... we weren't even suspicious until you said that."

I read that a marijuana dispensary in Colorado is offering gift packages that include pot brownies and other edibles. It's expected to be the first edible arrangement people actually want.

After previously calling it a hoax, Donald Trump acknowledged that global warming might be real. Trump was like, "I just had a hard time believing something could get hotter as it got older."

Donald Trump has appointed South Carolina governor Nikki Haley to be the ambassador to the United Nations. Her main job will be to learn how to say "sorry" in over a dozen languages.

I read about a new app called "DropCar" that offers an on-demand valet service where a stranger meets you, takes your car and parks it for you. They say it's perfect if you're on the go and you never want to see your car again.

Conan

Donald Trump won the election, he is the president-elect, but he's still sending out angry tweets. He tweeted that millions of people voted illegally on Election Day. Then someone told Trump it's not illegal for women to vote.

Donald Trump said he will not try and send Hillary Clinton to jail. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said: "Hey, you promised!"

A chef has created a 400-pound gingerbread replica of Chicago's Wrigley Field. The gingerbread stadium combines Chicago residents' two greatest passions: baseball and diabetes.

"Breakfast Club" star Anthony Michael Hall is facing seven years in prison for fighting his neighbor. However, his lawyer is trying to plea bargain that down to just serving detention with Molly Ringwald, Emilio Estevez and Judd Nelson.

Some analysts say that Donald Trump's business dealings overseas could lead to him being impeached. Or as Trump is describing that: "A season finale you won't wanna miss!"

An expert on Donald Trump was quoted as saying "he is a vindictive man with a fragile ego who craves approval." But then the interview was cut short when Melania Trump heard her husband walk through the door.

The world's oldest woman, who turned 117 today, says her longevity is due to staying single and eating raw eggs. Then she said the secret to staying single is eating raw eggs.

Sarah Palin said that God helped Donald Trump win the presidential election. When he heard this, a furious Satan said: "Don't I get credit for anything?"

Good news for recent college graduates: In the next few years, the federal government is planning to forgive $100 billion of student debt. So, congratulations to six USC grads.

Two Connecticut residents stole over $1,000 worth of candles from the Yankee Candle Village. The suspects are being described as white.

Sources say Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka will take on many of the duties normally associated with the first lady. This was at the recommendation of Trump's new surgeon general, Dr. Freud.

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

With roughly seven weeks until he takes office, President-elect Donald Trump still has a few things he's researching. He needs to figure out, like, "What does a president do?"

Newt Gingrich recently told USA Today that he talked to Trump about his new responsibilities as president and, according to Gingrich, Trump said: "This is really a bigger job than I thought." What do you know? Being leader of the free world is a bit harder than filming a reality show in your apartment.

The bad news is, starting Jan. 20, Donald Trump can send unlockable mass text messages to the entire nation. Yes, President Trump will be able to send text messages to every phone in the nation. The only person I would trust less with this technology is Anthony Weiner.

The Late Late Show With James Corden

There are now plans for a park in Japan that will be a combination of a hot springs spa and an amusement park. It either sounds nice or like a sanitary nightmare.

Breitbart News received a lot of criticism for running questionable news stories during the election. So basically, Breitbart counts as real news in the same way that Apple Jacks counts as real fruit.

Kellogg's pulled their ads from Breitbart because they say it promotes discrimination. It really isn't a surprise that Kellogg's would be sensitive about this. The mascots of one of their bestselling cereals are three male elves that all live together.

Ed Sheeran made his first public appearance since an accident where he suffered a deep facial cut. It happened at a party when Princess Beatrice jokingly went to knight James Blunt with a sword, and accidentally cut Ed Sheeran on the back-side swing. The only way to make getting clobbered in the face not at all hardcore is by adding James Blunt and knighthood and a princess to the story.

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

Kellogg's announced that it's pulling its advertising from the Breitbart website, saying the alt-right website does not align with their values as a company. But I don't know. Kellogg's makes Kashi Go-Lean Crunch, and that's maybe the whitest product in history.

Police in Canada will soon start making people caught drinking and driving listen to Nickelback. So let that be a lesson to all you drunk drivers out there: Make sure the crash kills you.