Late Laughs for the week of January 5 - 11

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Democrats are now deciding which of President Trump's crimes to include in the articles of impeachment. So far they have bribery, obstruction of justice and fathering Don Jr. He could get the chair for that one.


Nancy Pelosi said she doesn't hate the president because she's a Catholic, and Catholics don't hate people. I just want to say, as a lifelong Catholic, I think that was the funniest thing I have ever heard in my life. We hate everyone!


Due to a doping scandal, Russia is banned from the 2020 Olympics and the 2022 World Cup. Russia replied, "No problem, at least we can still participate in America's 2020 presidential election."


The miniseries "Chernobyl" got four Golden Globe nominations. After hearing this, the victims of Chernobyl said, "Totally worth it!"


A Little Late With Lilly Singh

I've noticed here in L.A., when anyone gets sick, they have 17 different ways to fix it, and none of them are medicine. Instead, they turn to crystals and sage and spiritual guidance, which are somehow sold at Urban Outfitters.


Astrology is another big thing that people believe in. They'll use it for guidance, for support, even for an excuse! You can't be on trial for murder and say, "I plead not guilty, Your Honor, because Mercury was, like, totally in retrograde, and it wasn't my fault!"


I'm pretty sure you getting the flu has less to do with another planet, and more to do with the fact that you made out with everyone at the office Christmas party, Emily!


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Jennifer [Lopez] is so busy this week. Not only is she hosting "Saturday Night Live," but she was just asked to perform the halftime show at Trump's impeachment.


Nancy Pelosi held a press conference and said that the house will officially draft articles of impeachment against President Trump. Then, to lighten the mood, she brought out Justin Trudeau to tell a few "Your president's so dumb ..." jokes.


It's looking like Trump could be impeached before Christmas, but if he behaves, Nancy will let Trump open one of his charges on Impeachment Eve.


Wal-Mart has apologized for selling a sweater that features Santa with cocaine -- I guess that explains why Rudolph's nose is so red.


I read that the tube in London will now have first class cars where the rich can drink champagne and eat hors d'oeuvres. Meanwhile, on the New York subway, you can still play the fun game, "Is that man passed out or dead?"


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Anyone involved in Trump's quid pro quo scheme with Ukraine should just lay low for a while, avoid the scene of the crime -- so, naturally, Rudy Giuliani is in Ukraine. "Your Honor, my client is innocent! Where is he now? Well he's dancing around the chalk body outline singing a little song about being the world's happiest stabber."


For years, undocumented workers served Trump's meals, cleaned his homes and ironed his boxer shorts. That's right, boxer shorts. The only tighty whitey in Trump's White House is Mike Pence!


Among Jewish voters, Trump's approval rating is 29%, which, among Jewish voters, is slightly less than Mel Gibson.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tomorrow, Time magazine will name their Person of the Year for 2019, which is exciting. They've whittled the finalists down to five, [which] is crazy because we all know the person of the year is Baby Yoda.


There's a lot of fake stuff on Instagram. For instance, you know how when you see photos of people and they look happy? They're not.


I have no problem with the president not working. In fact, that is what I want. I don't want him working. You know you're on a bad road trip when you're glad the driver fell asleep at the wheel. That's how I look at it.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

A team of three men announced last week that they have set a new cross-country speed record, driving from Manhattan to Los Angeles in 28 hours. "How did you get from New York to L.A. that fast?!" said Spirit Airlines.


A dentist in Alaska is on trial after he was caught on video extracting a patient's tooth while riding a hoverboard. The jury will rule next week, while the dentist already does.


Officials in Las Vegas are searching for a person who has been placing miniature cowboy hats on the heads of pigeons -- hopefully to give them the key to the city.


President Trump met with the Russian minister of foreign affairs today. On the same day he's being impeached. That is brazen. That's like buying a boat and naming it "The Missing Wife."


Weekend Update

According to AT&T, Rep. Devin Nunes spoke with Giuliani associate Lev Parnas on the phone for more than eight minutes. Which, if true, would be the longest call ever completed on AT&T.


The wife of John Schnatter, the founder of Papa John's, has filed for divorce. Because marriage is a lot like Papa John's pizza: it only seems like a good idea when you're drunk and alone.