Late Laughs for the week of January 31 - February 6, 2021

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

[Trump's Georgia] call is like if Watergate and the Ukraine scandal had a baby that they made on the "Access Hollywood" bus.


The Devil moved back to Savannah so he could vote for Biden. I mean, he's the Prince of Darkness, but he's very concerned about global warming. If Earth is already on fire, Hell's not going to be that impressive.


The vice-president can't arbitrarily decide who's the next president! Otherwise, in 2001 I'm going to guess Al Gore would have picked Al Gore.


The latest major archeological finding in Pompeii is a street food stall. This discovery helped us answer so many questions about ancient Rome, like, "What did they eat?" and "Has guac always been extra?"


Interesting ploy: luring the president out of hiding with the promise of national TV is like putting a little piece of cheese in a trap for a rat … though you could probably catch the president with cheese, too.


Just when we all thought 2020 was the worst 12 months of our lives, 2021 said, "Hold my year!"


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

For the first time since 2002, the Cleveland Browns are going to the playoffs. When they heard they made the playoffs, the Browns were like, "There's more games after the season? Do they do that every year?"


[Mike] Pence's only role is to preside over the ballot counting. He's basically one step above a bingo caller.


The CEO of Whole Foods, John Mackey, is being criticized after saying health care would not be necessary if people would eat better and live healthier lifestyles. I can't wait until John breaks his leg and the ER doctor prescribes him a $20 mango.


2021 feels like the end of a "Scooby-Doo" episode where we pull off its mask to reveal it's been 2020 all along.


Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi called for Pence to pursue the 25th amendment and remove Trump from office. If that happened, we'd have three presidents in 13 days. I love the idea of changing presidents like movie Batmans.


The Late Late Show with James Corden

[Nancy] Pelosi asked people to break quarantine to vote for her, but it's OK because I've heard the virus isn't as contagious when it's for something you really, really want to happen.


Electing a millennial is good news. This means the Senate will finally have someone who can set up that wireless printer.


[Congress] worked late into the night, officially certifying Joe Biden's victory at 3:30 in the morning, making this the only good decision to ever happen at 3:30 in the morning.


I love how we're talking about the president's state of mind the same way we talk about losing car keys.


People were comparing this big wave of resignations to rats fleeing the Titanic, but I don't think that's fair. At one point, the Titanic actually had some direction.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

This is our first show of the new year. 2021 is in, 2020 is out. I've been ready for a return to normalcy, and here I am doing my show from the kitchen … again.


The Washington Post released a recording of an hour-plus-long phone call during which Donald Trump can be heard pressuring and threatening the Georgia secretary of state, Brad Raffensperger, urging him to overturn the results of the election in his state. I listened to the whole thing like it was a surprise Taylor Swift album.


Poor Mike Pence! He hasn't been this stressed out since the time he saw a woman in short sleeves.


The Capitol was besieged by MAGA-hatters in all manner of crazy costumes. It was like a psychotic "Price Is Right" audience forcibly taking control of the Plinko wheel.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

A man in Scotland was recently jailed for violating coronavirus restrictions after traveling by jet ski to an island off the coast of Britain to see his girlfriend. Though I think it was probably punishment enough riding on a jet ski in Scotland in the middle of December.


Burger King in Japan recently unveiled its new Whopper that is made to ward off evil spirits. Meanwhile, McDonald's drew a pentagram on the floor and the McRib came back.


McDonald's has announced that next month it will begin offering three new chicken sandwiches to compete with Chick-fil-A. While, to compete with McDonald's, Chick-fil-A announced they are going to install broken ice cream machines.


According to reports, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are preparing to file for divorce. Well, I hope they'll both take a good long look in the mirror … oh they will? They do that every day? That might have been the whole problem? OK.


Two fishermen in Australia recently rescued a naked fugitive from a crocodile-infested swamp who had broken free from his ankle-monitoring device. It's what's known in Australia as "the electoral process." Congratulations to the new prime minister!