Late Laughs for the week of January 29 - February 4, 2017

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The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

We are still in the middle of a big cold snap that's affecting most of the country. In fact, I saw that between now and Sunday, below-freezing temperatures are expected in 49 states. Americans were like, "Does Russia control our weather now, too?"


A terminal at New York's JFK airport is being updated with new hotel rooms, ballrooms, restaurants, bars and a nightclub. While over at LaGuardia, the soda fountain at Cinnabon now has ice.


I heard that a pilot on a recent Southwest Airlines flight made a special announcement to congratulate the passengers because all of the alcohol onboard had been consumed during a three-hour flight. Then the pilot said: "And I'm real sorry you guys didn't get any."


Alaska Air completed a $2.6 billion deal to merge with Virgin America. As the merger was happening, Virgin said: "Be gentle, this is my first merger."


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Bill and Hillary Clinton will attend Trump's inauguration. I think that's very nice that she's being a gracious loser. And if you count the popular vote, a gracious winner.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

Yesterday, Donald Trump tweeted at North Korea after they announced plans to test an intercontinental nuclear weapon. Trump tweeted, "It won't happen." I'd like to believe he's right, but "It won't happen" is exactly what everyone said about Trump becoming president. Plus, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure you can't stop a nuclear missile by tweeting at it.


On New Year's Eve, Trump tweeted: "Happy new year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don't know what to do. Love!" Enemies? The only people who admit to having "enemies" are Donald Trump and eighth grade girls.


A man in Vietnam was hospitalized after doctors realized that he had a pair of scissors in his digestive system that had been left there by a previous surgery that he had 18 years ago. … Amazingly, he rarely suffered any pain over those 18 years. But from time to time he did get a bit snippy.


If you feel bad for the guy who didn't know he had scissors inside him, imagine being the guy standing behind him in the TSA line.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Mariah Carey ended 2016 on a rough note. Did you see her on "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Ryan Seacrest Eve?" She lipped, she just forgot to sync. Next time, they should at least put peanut butter in Mariah's mouth to make it look like she's singing something.


"The New Celebrity Apprentice" is hosted by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold Schwarzenegger, in case you don't know, is the guy who used to be the most preposterous celebrity we elected to office.


[The premiere of "The New Celebrity Apprentice"] didn't go well. For their first assignment, Arnold challenged the men's team and the women's team to go back in time and kill him before he agreed to take this job.  Unfortunately, they failed.


Donald Trump is still an executive producer of "The Celebrity Apprentice," and, you know, it didn't really hit me until last night that "The Apprentice" had to get a new host because their old one was elected president! I mean, that would be like if "Dancing With the Stars" had to find a new judge because Bruno Tonioli was chosen to lead a mission to Mars or something.


Guess who's coming to the inauguration? Bill and Hillary Clinton. This might be the first inauguration where the former president and first lady are patted down for weapons.


The Obamas are packing up their stuff. The first lady is saying her final goodbyes to her vegetable garden before Trump builds a KFC on top of it.


Mel Gibson's got a lot on his plate these days. His new movie "Hacksaw Ridge" is in theaters, he's nominated for a Golden Globe and he's working on a sequel to "The Passion Of The Christ." It's called "Passion 2: Christ Reloaded."


Late Night With Seth Meyers

Organizers have announced that Donald Trump will attend two inaugural balls during his first week in office. One in Washington, D.C., and then, of course, the real one in Moscow.


Senate minority leader Harry Reid recently said in an interview that Donald Trump is, quote, "Not as bad as I thought he would be." Geez, buddy, how low were your expectations? Harry Reid's the guy who gets a rat in his bucket of KFC and says, "Well, they're trying their best."


China's highest court ruled last week that Michael Jordan owns the rights to his name in Chinese characters. "I thought that meant ‘bravery'!" said a girl with a lower back tattoo.


Quantas Airlines is set to launch a new 17-and-a-half-hour flight from Australia to London, which will be the longest non-stop route in the world. Beating the current record, a road trip with your dad.


Jeb Bush told reporters that he does not think Russia "influenced" the election.  And if anybody knows about not influencing elections, it's Jeb Bush.


Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

An Australian man who ate nothing but potatoes for an entire year has lost more than 100 pounds, no longer needs anti-depressants, lowered his cholesterol and is dead.


Jia Jia, the world's oldest panda, passed away this week at the age of 38. Jia Jia died after suffering a stroke stroke.


Chipotle has begun serving chorizo. The announcement was made loudly through a bathroom door.