A Little Late With Lilly Singh

Did you know nearly half of all marriages end in divorce? Those are really bad odds! You wouldn't get on a plane that had a 50% chance of crashing! And you definitely wouldn't throw a $70,000 party celebrating said plane.

 

Games today are so complicated. There are so many buttons! I feel the same way about video games as guys do about unhooking a girls bra. Up, down, over, circle, square, I don't know.

 

One survey showed that 30% of women have or have thought about dating a woman, and the other 70% are lying.

 

Conan

Jamie Lee Curtis said that she once free-based cocaine with her dad, actor Tony Curtis. In his defence, it was Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.

 

NBC said it might offer its streaming service for free if you watch ads. NBC simply got the idea from what we've been doing for the last 70 years.

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

A new trailer just came out for the "Top Gun" sequel. It's great! You see a plane flying upside down, passing between two other planes, and just missing a mountain -- then, after that ad for Southwest Airlines, the "Top Gun" trailer starts.

 

Experts are saying [the impeachment] is what we'll remember most about 2019. Then Americans were like, "Oh come on, have you seen Baby Yoda?"

 

Someone in Ohio just won the $372-million Mega Millions jackpot. The winner is thrilled, while the guy who gave him the ticket for Secret Santa just walked into the ocean.

 

Kids are now using money apps instead of piggy banks. It's gonna get even weirder when kids tell the Tooth Fairy, "Just Venmo me."

 

A couple who met at the grocery store Publix decided to take their engagement photos in the store. If they ever split up, they're just gonna put one of those checkout dividers between them.

 

A new study found that people who left their phones at home during vacation experienced symptoms of withdrawal. Eventually, they just started pointing at random objects and yelling, "LIKE! LIKE! LIKE! Friend?"

 

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

There's nothing worse than being fired by tweet, except maybe getting divorced by Snapchat.

 

I'm happy to know our government still works, but it's kind of emotionally confusing. It's like your parents telling you they're getting a divorce while on Space Mountain: "Was this my fault? WEEEE! Where will I go for Christmas? YAAAY!"

 

The Late Late Show with James Corden

A bear was caught on camera munching on grapes in a California vineyard. This bear refused to eat anything but the vineyard's most expensive pinot noir grapes. The bear is only interested in pinot noir grapes unless there's a brunch on Sunday, in which case it's rosé all day.

 

Disney World's new Skyliner gondola malfunctioned, stranding passengers three storeys above the park for three hours. See, this is what happens when your company is run by a couple of mice, a dog and a duck without pants.

 

Seventy-three percent of Americans say they would trust a robot to do their household chores. Though, I think that says less about robots and more about how lazy Americans are.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

You know, I've been analyzing him for about two years now, and I have a theory about our vice-president: Mike Pence is an alien who has come to Earth to study our ways, to integrate and to potentially rule us. I think this is why he's so obsessed with the Space Force. He wants to go home.

 

[Hunter Biden] admitted that he probably wouldn't have been asked to serve on the board of a Ukrainian company if his father wasn't vice-president. Unlike Ivanka Trump, who earned her role in the White House on the merits of her line of stylish pumps.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today was "National Be Late for Something Day," in case any white people want to tell their friends about Lizzo.

 

A Six Flags theme park in Maryland has announced a new promotion in which visitors spend 30 hours inside a coffin to win a pair of season passes. And, if Billy asks, that's what Nana's doing right now. "She's fine! She's winning you Six Flags tickets!"

 

A delivery van in Pennsylvania overturned and spilled over 130,000 eggs on a highway. And, in a bad sign for the climate, they were done in 30 seconds.

 

Authorities at a jail in Ohio recently busted an inmate catching a cellphone that was dropped from a drone being flown over the facility, but it was a Samsung Galaxy, so he threw it back.

 

A restaurant in Minnesota has started advertising one of their burgers as the "Labour Inducer" after two pregnant women gave birth shortly after eating it. Even cooler, they have a Long Island Iced Tea called "The Pregnancy Causer."

 

Weekend Update

The University of Arizona announced that it will stop referring to itself as U of A and now be known as, "UArizona." Is it just me, or does "UArizona" sound like the punchline to a joke about Arizona stereotypes. "If you've ever gotten a DUI in a golf cart -- UArizona."

 

A new museum has opened in London called "The Vagina Museum," which focuses on destigmatizing female anatomy. If you're planning a trip, remember it's closed one week a month.