Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Some of [Kanye West's] money came from music, some came from Adidas and a lot of it, more than half actually, came from his wife. Every night Kim pays him $2 million to stop yelling and go to bed.

 

The U.S. Postal Service says they are experiencing major delays. Turns out some idiot uprooted a lot of the mailboxes just before election day.

 

[Trump] is also reportedly thinking about appointing a special counsel to investigate Hunter Biden and his tax returns. This is like Jeffrey Epstein investigating R. Kelly for sex stuff.

 

In some parts of the northeast, they got more snow this week than all of last winter. People were forced to stay indoors, they couldn't travel or go to school. It was like every other day since March. A blizzard on top of COVID is like a hat on another hat.

 

The mayor of Atlantic City is auctioning off the chance to blow up one of Donald Trump's former casinos. The money will go to charity. The now-closed Trump Plaza Casino is scheduled to get demolished next month, and when it is, whoever donates the most gets to press the button. We should chip in and get this for Hillary Clinton, right?

 

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The U.S. government and 48 attorneys general filed antitrust lawsuits against Facebook, calling it an "illegal monopoly." Yes it's just like Monopoly except every time you pass "go," instead of getting $200, Zuckerberg sells your data to a Moldovan spam farm.

 

The keys to New Zealand's success have been decisive governance, effective communication and high population compliance. Though the U.S. came close with just zero of those things.

 

It's official: Harrison Ford will return in a fifth Indian Jones movie despite being 78 years old. So, in the summer of 2022, look forward to "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Soup!"

 

Snow is battering the East Coast, and over 60 million people are under a winter storm watch. People are being asked to stay home, of all things. Can you imagine? Just sitting around your house for days on end, nowhere to go, just watching TV. How will we adjust?

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Jay-Z just launched his own premium brand of weed. It must be good. Today Jay-Z was like, "I got two problems and forgot the other 97."

 

Time magazine announced Joe Biden and Kamala Harris as 2020's Person of the Year. I gotta be honest. I thought it was going to be frontline health care workers, especially since a doctor's office is the only place you can still find a copy of Time magazine.

 

I read that the vaccine needs to be kept at ultra cold temperatures. In response, UPS workers looked at their shorts and said, "This seems like more of a FedEx thing."

 

[Joe Biden] picked Pete Buttigieg to serve as secretary of transportation. When asked if Buttigieg has transportation experience, Biden said, "Yeah, he built Santa's sleigh!"

 

Ikea is now selling tiny homes — it sounds interesting, but I'm not sure if I want to live in a house I assembled with an Allen wrench. You know that uneasy feeling when you're done building a dresser and there's like three extra pieces? Now, picture that with a house.

 

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The first coronavirus vaccines have been administered here in the United States, making the vaccine the second-hottest item to get this Christmas, behind the PlayStation 5.

 

At this point, Trump's only remaining option is just kind of going limp and lying on the Oval Office floor like my 3-year-old does when they refuse to leave a toy store.

 

Pfizer and Moderna are like the PS5 and Xbox Series X of the vaccine world: it doesn't matter which one you want, you aren't getting either until June.

 

This sounds like the goth version of the 12 Days of Christmas, only instead of a partridge in a pear tree, they got a spider in a gingerbread house.

 

Santa and his horse-drawn sleigh were stopped on the road by police because [his] sleigh didn't have proper headlights. I mean, Rudolph, you had one job. Santa's sleigh should have proper headlights. This is exactly how grandma got run over by a reindeer.

 

Late Night with Seth Meyers

The pharmaceutical company Pfizer yesterday began shipping its newly approved coronavirus vaccine from a facility in Michigan with protection from the U.S. Marshals Service. Said one U.S. marshal: "Oh, these? No, these are PS5s."

 

The Electoral College met today to affirm President-elect Joe Biden's win. Great. The guy hasn't even taken office yet, but his election victory is already in its second term. We're gonna be seeing articles about "Biden fatigue" before Christmas.

 

According to a new study, the so-called cat-scratch fever illness that is caused by animal bites or scratches can cause psychiatric symptoms. Though it's just as likely the psychiatric symptoms are what led you to get a cat in the first place.

 

Today was National Wear Your Pearls Day. Said Americans: "Sweatpants and pearls! Got it!"

 

Today was Stupid Toy Day, which is what your kids will call anything they get for Christmas that's not a PS5.

 

Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che

President-elect Joe Biden has emphasized his commitment to vaccine distribution by promising "100 million shots in 100 days," which is also his Botox routine.

 

The Texas lawsuit asked the Supreme Court to invalidate election results in four other states, which is a plan so crazy, only Texas would try to execute it.

 

Doctors say that a woman has given birth to a baby that came from an embryo frozen 27 years ago. Said the baby, "You picked this year?"