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Late Laughs for the week of January 22 - 28, 2017

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Late Night With Seth Meyers

A recent poll found that 58 percent of Americans believe Donald Trump will try to work with Democrats. Oh, Russia has Democrats?

 

A company has developed a new bedspread that can make itself every morning. How it works is, you live with your mom.

 

Conan

A NASA scientist has warned that Earth is unprepared for a surprise asteroid hit and said, "There's not a hell of a lot we can do about it." So, ladies and gentlemen, happy holidays!

 

A friend of Donald Trump's said that Trump dangled the office of Secretary of State to Mitt Romney "to torture him." You can watch the whole thing in the new series, "White Billionaire Pranks."

 

A flight attendant has pled guilty to smuggling 60 pounds of cocaine in her carry-on bag. People got suspicious when her safety lecture went on for four hours.

 

Pods of cannabis coffee will soon be available in six states. They're expected to sell well among people who want to be alert enough to know how high they are.

 

A new lawsuit claims that Uber employees use passenger data to stalk celebrities. When I called to complain, Uber said, "Don't worry, Conan, we didn't mean you."

 

Kanye West tweeted a photo of a Donald Trump-signed copy of Time magazine's Person of the Year issue. Trump signed it, "To my good friend, Ben Carson."

 

The oldest living American, a New Jersey woman, has turned 114. At her birthday party she said, "Why are we celebrating? I just spent 114 years in New Jersey."

 

At a conference with Silicon Valley executives, Donald Trump said, "There's nobody like you in the world." Then he put down his mirror and began the meeting.

 

Donald Trump said he wants Apple to bring manufacturing jobs from China back to America. He said, "It's about time we put AMERICAN kids to work!"

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

It was announced that Showtime has canceled its series "Masters of Sex." Men said it went on long enough, while women said it ended WAY too soon.

 

The new Uber update tracks where you go for five minutes after your car drops you off. Some users say it's creepy -- then they went back to getting into a car with a stranger and telling them exactly where they live.

 

As president, Donald Trump will have access to an emergency alert system, which will allow him to send a text to every American at once. But it's only for emergencies like natural disasters, security issues or if "Saturday Night Live" does another sketch about him.

 

A private company called "Moon Express" says it wants to start offering trips to the moon for under $10,000 a ticket. Most people are like, "Yeah, I'm not sure I wanna book the cheapest option for my TRIP TO OUTER SPACE."

 

Veterinarians are warning people to be careful with alcohol they spill on the floor, because there's been an increase in drunk pets. And you'll know your dog is drunk when he starts confronting the vacuum cleaner: "Come at me, bro!"

 

Starbucks is planning to open Italian bakeries in New York City and Chicago that will serve pizza. Good, because if there's anywhere you can't get a good slice of pizza, it's New York City and Chicago.

 

A group of thieves in the U.K. stole $10,000 worth of designer clothes by pretending to be mannequins when a department store was locking up for the night. So it looks like somebody finally won the Mannequin Challenge.

 

A recent study says that even one drink a day can be harmful to heart health. So if you were thinking about drinking some wine, just wait a month until a new study says it's good for you again.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President-elect Donald Trump picked Ben Carson to run the Department of Housing and Urban Development. Which is going to be quite a surprise when he finally wakes up!

 

Ben Carson is a former neurosurgeon with no experience in housing or urban development. This is the first time the phrase, "Well, it's not brain surgery," is actually a bad thing.

 

Why would [Carson] get this job? He's a medical doctor. I feel like Donald Trump heard the word "urban" and just nominated the first black friend he has.

 

Congratulations are in order for Mick Jagger, who just became the father of a baby boy, his eighth child. ... The baby looks just like his father, all wrinkly.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

At a press conference on Friday, President Obama again claimed Russia hacked our election. He also accused Donald Trump of knowing that it was happening while doing nothing about it. But I mean, can you really blame him? Who snitches when somebody cheats for them? That's just ungrateful. You don't expect Tom Brady to tell the ref, "Hey, let me try that touchdown again, the ball was deflated." I guess Donald Trump was just acting like a Patriot.

 

President Obama claimed that the Russian hackers stopped attacking America after Obama told Putin to quote, "Cut it out." I'm not sure you're gonna strike fear into the heart of an evil dictator with Uncle Joey's catchphrase from "Full House."

 

Obama this week said that Democrats are falsely characterized as "coastal, liberal, latte-sipping, out-of-touch folks." Then he grabbed a salted caramel mochaccino and hopped on a private jet to Hawaii.