Late Laughs for the week of January 19 - 25

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The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

The holidays are bearing down on us like a pack of cheerful hyenas, and I can't wait for them to catch me. Just get out of town, unplug, and glug glug.


It's Impeachment Eve! It's a magical time, and like every Impeachment Eve, we've put the kids to bed, but they're all up listening hard to see if accountability is coming.


A Little Late With Lilly Singh

I remember my parents always saying, "You can get a dog when you get married." My only thought to that was, "Why would I want two dogs?"


You can tell how old someone is just by asking them what their first gaming system was. Mine was the original Nintendo, my older sister had an Atari, and my parents had the one where you're in a car going as fast as you can while a hundred other cars drive towards you and you're constantly swerving to avoid hitting pedestrians. It was called "driving in India."



Impeachment has reached a new level of nasty because today, President Trump sent a scathing letter to house speaker Nancy Pelosi. Trump ended the letter with, "If you like me check 'YES.'"


HBO's "The Watchmen" aired its season finale on Sunday. Critics are saying the first season ended so perfectly the show should not be renewed. Ladies and gentlemen, that is exactly the reason I've been on the air for 26 years.


It's been reported that in the upcoming film version of "Cats," the editors digitally removed an actor's penis. When asked about it, the actor said, "I wish they did it digitally!"


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Leading up to Christmas, Target is staying open extra late for shoppers. While over at Walmart, the windows are still smashed from Black Friday, so you can come and go anytime.


House Democrats put out a 658-page report that details why Trump should be impeached. Who is gonna read 658 pages? The last time Americans read something that long, it ended with Voldemort fighting Harry Potter.


Kids are now using money apps instead of piggy banks. It's gonna get even weirder when kids tell the Tooth Fairy, "Just Venmo me."


A Russian spy ship was just spotted sailing off the coast of Florida. Trump heard that and was like, "That's not a spy ship, that's my getaway vehicle."


The Late Late Show with James Corden

A man accused of stealing a car showed up to his court date in another stolen car. The judge came down pretty hard. He sentenced the man to two cameo roles in the next two "Fast & Furious" sequels.


A study has just come out showing that, for most people, a gluten-free diet has zero health benefits. According to the study, it costs three times as much to avoid eating gluten -- that's a lot of bread for not a lot of bread.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Republicans continue to insist there was nothing illegal about the illegal things the president did. They're doubling down on conspiracy theories and distraction techniques. They're demanding to know the identity of Joe Biden's Secret Santa.


The president surprised everyone today by sending a six-page letter to Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker of the House. This might be the most deranged letter to Santa ever. It is a long, stupid, disingenuous and incoherent defense, signed by an angry gorilla with a Sharpie.


You know, this is actually an interesting place to come into work. Right outside that door is the Hollywood Walk of Fame, which is overflowing with tourists and people dressed as superheroes. Today, I got to see what Captain Marvel would look like as a chain-smoking old man in a wig.


Last night in Washington Nancy Pelosi roasted the president's chestnuts pretty good.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

It has been announced that Mariah Carey's hit song, "All I Want for Christmas Is You" was the most-streamed song in the country last week. Said people who work in retail, "We know."


A whistleblower complaint has been filed accusing the Mormon Church of stockpiling $100 billion that should have been given to charities. "Wow, that's the worst thing a church has ever done," said the Pope.


President Trump was impeached today. Though, I think it's a little like having a raccoon in your garage and poking it with a broom. It's still there, it's just mad now.


According to a new report, women worldwide will not receive equal pay to men until the year 2277. "In that case, let it all burn," said Greta Thurnberg.


Weekend Update

I'm a little disappointed in Trump. I knew he would snap, but I thought it'd be fun, like Tupac in '96. this is more sad, like Britney in '07.


Singer Jason Derulo, who plays Rum Tum Tugger in the movie "Cats," said that filmmakers digitally edited out his bulge. Even stranger, they edited it onto Dame Judi Dench.


A man in California was kicked off a JetBlue flight after bringing his pet possum on the plane. While at Spirit Airlines, that's what falls down when you need an oxygen mask.