The Late Late Show with James Corden

The second person to get the vaccine was an 81-year-old English man named William Shakespeare. This is the British version of Michael B. Jordan.

 

The 2024 Olympic Games, which are scheduled to take place in Paris, France, will include a new sport: breakdancing! The Olympic committee is hoping to attract a younger audience moving forward, and apparently that younger audience includes teens from the Bronx in the '80s.

 

I celebrate Christmas, but, in honor of Hanukkah, today I compromised and listened to Christmas music by Neil Diamond.

 

There are no witnesses in Supreme Court hearings, but I feel like a British late-night host shouldn't have to explain that to the president of the United States.

 

A list was just released of 2020's most mispronounced words. But, as a Brit who speaks the Queen's English, I must say, 90% of words that you speak in America are mispronounced.

 

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

As of this week, coronavirus is the No. 1 cause of death in the United States, surpassing heart disease. And, may I remind you, this is the country that invented deep-fried Oreos!

 

Britain became the first western country to inoculate people against the coronavirus. Of course, it being Britain, they give you a shot in the other arm which they call a "lorry" and it's administered with a spoonful of sugar.

 

[Royal Caribbean has] launched a socially distanced, ultra-sanitized experience they're calling the "COVID-Secure Cruise." If there's one thing that's never backfired, it's bragging about how safe your giant cruise ship is.

 

[Pete Buttigieg] is being lined up as Biden's U.S. ambassador to China. Pete Buttigieg speaks eight languages — but not Mandarin. You're sending him to the only place on the planet where he doesn't speak the language! That's not an ambassadorship, that's the plot of "Emily in Paris."

 

A humpback whale was spotted in the Hudson River. No one knows exactly why the whale came to the Big Apple, but marine scientists speculate that the most plausible reason is that he wants to be on Broadway.

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Rudy Giuliani tested positive for coronavirus. When the news broke, the coronavirus was like, "I knew I should have worn a mask!"

 

Trump is handing out mass pardons. The only other time you hear that phrase is after Rudy Giuliani eats Taco Bell.

 

In the U.K., they have the COVID vaccine. In America, we came up with the triple-decker pizza box.

 

[The Supreme Court] rejected Trump's whole argument in one sentence. That's pretty much the Supreme Court's version of responding to a long text with "K."

 

In Russia, they're telling people not to drink alcohol for almost two months after taking the Russian vaccine. You know it's serious because Russia doesn't even give that warning to pregnant women.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

[Trump] reportedly told one insider he is going to pardon "every person who ever talked to me." So, sorry, Melania; I guess you're out of luck.

 

Our president is cold-calling state representatives asking them to throw the election his way, like it's a beauty pageant or something.

 

They're calling Trump's latest lawsuit a "Hail Mary," which seems very disrespectful to Mary. It's more of a "Hail Hitler" if you ask me.

 

Less than half of Americans say they are planning to get the vaccine when it comes out. Only 47% of Americans want it; the other 53% want to stay home in sweatpants forever, I guess.

 

Seventeen red states are suing to overturn the election in other states. Not even their own states. This is like if you complained about the food in a restaurant that's 900 miles away.

 

Late Night with Seth Meyers

Authorities in New York recently broke up an illegal party in a midtown Manhattan club that violated coronavirus restrictions with over 400 guests. Said the host: "You mean my roommates?"

 

According to a new report, the coronavirus can have long-term health effects, like erectile dysfunction. "Man, this just keeps getting better," Pfizer said.

 

The International Olympic Committee declared breakdancing an official Olympic sport yesterday and announced that it will be added to the 2024 Paris Games. Also added to the 2024 Paris Games? The 2020 Tokyo Games.

 

A food company in the Philippines recently broke a Guinness World Record by making a 20-foot-tall Christmas tree out of 70,000 cans of sardines. Or as their cat calls it, "God."

 

First Lady Melania Trump has recently become focused on her legacy. Well, sorry to break it to ya, but your legacy is "The Lady Who Hated Christmas and Her Husband." You don't get to pick. That's like Tonya Harding saying, "Hmm … what should I be remembered for?"

 

Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che

Firefighters in Florida rescued a horse that fell into a septic tank and nearly was submerged in raw sewage. A horse submerged in raw sewage is also known as an Arby's Beef 'n Cheddar.

 

Former presidents Barack Obama, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton have all volunteered to film themselves getting shots of the COVID vaccine. And to reach their target demos, Obama's will air on MSNBC, Bush's on Fox News and Clinton's on Brazzers.