The Late Late Show With James Corden

The Dakota Access oil pipeline, which the Sioux tribe has been protesting for months, will no longer be routed through their land. It's a big win for Native Americans -- and if the next nine billion things go their way, we can finally call it even.

United Airlines announced a new plan where you will have to pay to store a carry-on in the overhead bin. What's next? "In case of a water landing, your seat can be used as a flotation device for only $129. Major credit cards accepted."

The editors of Time magazine voted to make Donald Trump Person of the Year, although, to be fair, 2.7 million more editors voted for Hillary Clinton, but the editors from Florida get more votes than editors from Rhode Island. It's complicated.

Conan

Donald Trump is reportedly considering two Democrats for his cabinet. That's right, and those Democrats are Donald Trump from 1996 and Donald Trump from 2004.

On Saturday, the hearse carrying Fidel Castro's remains broke down and had to be pushed. The hearse was being driven by Cuba's minister of metaphors.

Pope Francis has warned the media to stop spreading false information. Or as the media reported it: "World's Top Rabbi Says 'Keep Up The Good Work!'"

Donald Trump's campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said she cannot take a position in the Trump administration because she has four young children. She said: "This would mean taking care of one more."

Starbucks has come out with a new frappuccino that's named after Pokémon Go. They're saying it has "the taste of something you lost interest in around September."

For the second year in a row, Johnny Depp has been named Forbes magazine's Most Overpaid Actor. After hearing this, Nicolas Cage said: "What do I have to do?"

This morning, a 6.5-magnitude earthquake hit California's prime marijuana-growing county. Authorities swept the area, urging residents to remain even calmer.

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump continues to fill out his cabinet. Watching Trump pick these people is like watching your nana get a sponge bath -- you know it has to be done, but it's upsetting.

Yesterday, Trump named Scott Pruitt, Oklahoma attorney general and sworn enemy of the EPA, to be the head of the EPA. He should change his phone number, or else he's going to get some pretty angry calls from himself.

There is a trend of Trump appointing people to be the head of things they're against. I'm looking forward to Surgeon General Joe Camel.

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

It's being reported that the CIA believes Russia influenced our presidential election in favor of Donald Trump. You see? Feel better now popular vote? No? OK. At this point, telling us why Trump won is like the fire department showing up to tell us why our house is currently on fire. Just put it out. We'll talk about it later.

It was revealed that Donald Trump will keep his job as executive producer on the "Celebrity Apprentice" while he is president. It's an absurd, unethical and potentially illegal conflict of interest -- only on NBC!

Former mayor Rudy Giuliani has removed himself from consideration for a position in Trump's cabinet, which is a smooth political way of saying Trump didn't pick him. I mean, that's like "Dirty Grandpa" taking itself out of Oscar contention. Or Paula Deen saying she won't accept an NAACP Image Award.

Trump has justified his use of Twitter, saying he'd tweet less if the press did their job better. Or if his Ambien did its job better.

The spread of fake news on the Internet has become so prevalent that even the Pope spoke out this week and denounced fake news. And you know it's bad when a guy who gets his news from voices in the sky and burning bushes is telling you to check your sources.

A black man was arrested in Philadelphia after he went on a pro-Trump graffiti spree. He has been sentenced to spend the next five years with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air.

A woman on Long Island discovered a diamond ring inside of a glove while trying it on in a department store. And, because it was Long Island, it was still attached to a finger.

Amazon has opened a new grocery store in Seattle that uses sensors and artificial intelligence that allows customers to buy products without going to a cashier. So not all the jobs are going to Mexico and China. Some of them are going to robots. Robots are even taking the jobs that we thought we'd never lose. Laid-off factory workers became truck drivers because "those trucks ain't gonna drive themselves." Well guess what? In about two years, those trucks ARE gonna start driving themselves.

In white-people-freaking-out-about-nothing news, the Mall of America in Minnesota hired their first black Santa, which provoked outrage on social media. You know, having a black mall Santa seems like a really nice idea, until your white baby starts crying on his lap and your Christmas card looks like your toddler is a racist. Now I don't know what color Santa should or shouldn't be, but he's given America a couple hundred years of free labor, and that sounds pretty black to me.

Jocelyn Wildenstein, who is known as the Catwoman for her extensive plastic surgery to make her look like a cat, was arrested on charges that she scratched her boyfriend. In fairness, he was taunting her with a laser pointer.