Late Laughs for the week of January 13 - 19, 2019

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Late Night With Seth Meyers

A British company is selling an artificial Christmas tree that only has branches on the top half to protect it from being ruined by cats. Now, the only thing that will be ruined by cats is your life.


In a recent New York Times article, a Harvard professor suggested that people eat only six French fries per sitting. The article is called, "We're Taking Away the Only Thing You Have Left."


Sources told the New York Times that President Trump's ex-lawyer Michael Cohen feels his life has been destroyed by his relationship with President Trump. Oh, I feel the same way. When we started "Late Night," it was supposed to be a cooking show.


President Trump prompted questions last night after he used a full presidential motorcade to travel 250 yards across the street to visit the Bush family at Blair House. And it is definitely the only time he's ever had a 250-yard drive.


A new report claims that the legalization and taxation of recreational marijuana in New York could provide enough funds to fix the city's transit system. It would be the first time anyone has used weed to make something go faster.


President Trump spoke at a Hanukkah reception today at the White House. Well, technically, he made a wish and blew out the candles.


The 2019 Golden Globe nominations were announced this morning, with Netflix in the lead among streaming services with 13 nominations. So get ready for your mom to call and ask you which channel Netflix is on.


President Trump said yesterday that trade negotiations with China will result in, quote, "a real deal" or "no deal at all." Which, coincidentally, is what Howie Mandel's show is called in China.


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

It was almost 60 degrees today in New York City! It was so warm, the 30 Rock ice rink just hired a lifeguard.


After reports that he tried to do business with Russia, President Trump said everything he did was, quote, "very legal and very cool." Not a good sign when the president explains himself like a stoner who got pulled over on the way home from Burning Man.


I heard that on Jan. 1, "Friends" might be leaving Netflix. When fans heard, they said, "Wow -- no one told us life was gonna be this way."


Over the weekend, a man proposed in Times Square, but he was so nervous he dropped the ring into a sidewalk grate. It was quite a scene -- someone was in distress, and like 50 Spider-Mans just stood there watching.


Tonight is the third night of Hanukkah! It's nice -- Jewish people lit a few candles, while their Christian neighbors put up 40,000 LED lights that are choreographed to "We Will Rock You."


A new poll found that the top three Democratic contenders for president in 2020 are Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders and Beto O'Rourke. Biden's got the best experience, Bernie's got the best fundraising and Beto's got the best chance of being alive in 2020.


I saw that Michelle Obama said one of the reasons she supported her husband's presidential campaign in 2008 was because she thought he wouldn't win. Barack was like, "Aw, that's sweet -- wait, what?"


Last night Bernie Sanders held a big town hall event on climate change. Not global climate change -- he just wanted to know where that draft is coming from.


Amtrak is looking for people to ride their trains and post about it on social media with the hashtag "Amtrak take me there." It's better than Greyhound's hashtag: "A stranger is sleeping on me and the driver is gone."


This year, I read that some people are hiring professionals to put up their holiday decorations for them. I don't know, I like the old-fashioned way, where dad hangs onto the gutter while screaming, "Hold the ladder!"


A new poll found that America's favorite Christmas movie is "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." While America's least favorite is still "Frosty Deals with the Harsh Reality of Climate Change."


From the new movie "Aquaman," Jason Momoa is my guest tonight! The movie is awesome -- the only slow part is when Aquaman eats lunch, and his parents make him wait an hour before swimming.


Tomorrow is SantaCon! It's the annual bar crawl where people dress up like Santa for a day of drinking. Or as mall Santas call that, "every day."


Today was the official White House Hanukkah party. It was going well until President Trump made a wish, then blew out the Menorah.


The White House had two Hanukkah receptions today: one at 4 o'clock and another at 8. They held the second reception just so Trump could apologize for everything he said at the first one.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

The president was in South America -- which is the America he hasn't ruined yet.


President Trump hosted not one, but two Hanukkah parties at the White House today. There were Ivankas and Yarmulkes as far as the eye could see.


Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

Earlier today, Trump called the Mueller report "collusion illusion," which is also my favorite Guns N' Roses album.


President Trump announced today that John Kelly, his chief of staff, is leaving the position at the end of the year, because Kelly requires extensive surgery to remove his palm from his face.


That's how awful it is to work in the Trump White House, by the way. John Kelly spent 40 years in the Marines, he did three tours in Iraq, and he couldn't finish one tour with Donald Trump.


Nothing says you're guilty more than making a counter report before the Mueller report is even out. That means he knows it's gonna be bad. It's like when you're watching "Cops," and as soon as they pull up to the house, there's already a shirtless guy on the lawn saying, "OK, first of all, she's lying!"


A man in Florida who was arrested for selling marijuana claimed that he was only doing it to buy better Christmas gifts for his children. Replied his children, "Just give us the weed, Dad."