The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Everyone [in the U.K.] will have access to the Pfizer vaccine. The vaccine is actually the same as the American one. The only difference is the British one is drier and more sarcastic.

Vladimir Putin said Russia will also start vaccinating their people next week. Five out of five Russian doctors recommend it … if they know what's good for them.

The last person who needed pardons for their whole family was Charles Manson.

Another Trump presidency? That's like the director of "Cats" announcing a sequel!

Drake is now selling a scented candle that smells like himself — [it] smells like musk, ambers, cashmere, suede and velvet. I, on the other hand, smell like speed stick, everything bagels and Purell.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Criming is like drinking: it's a red flag if you don't know exactly how many drinks you've had or how many crimes you've done.

Joe Exotic's attorney said they're close to getting a presidential pardon. Oh, come on! A ridiculous, washed-up, paranoid, obviously guilty, reality star might pardon Joe Exotic?

Yesterday, American COVID-19 deaths and hospitalizations set records. If we can just get through it, we can get back to setting fun records like world's biggest pancake, most old ladies stuffed in a bouncy castle … most flammable banjo — still dangerous, but fun!

There is precedent for the devil pushing immunization. He gave Eve the apple and we all know that keeps the doctor away.

It's a bad sign when Rudy Guiliani thinks you're going over the top. That's like the Hulk pulling you aside and saying, "Hulk think you need anger management. Hulk not like you when you're angry."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The justice department is investigating an alleged scheme where individuals tried to bribe White House officials in exchange for a presidential pardon. It's unclear what the pardon would be for, but, for starters, I'm guessing bribery.

[John Durham] looks like Santa Claus if the only gift Santa gave was a firm handshake.

Biden will ask everyone to wear masks for 100 days. The only way they'll get people to do this is if there's a big prize at the end of the 100 days, like a Jet Ski or the end of a global pandemic.

[Rudy] Guiliani has been in Philadelphia, Arizona and now Michigan — it's basically like a "Where's Waldo?" except you literally have no interest in finding him.

Singapore is now the first country in the world to approve the sale of lab-created meat. Scientists say an achievement like this is very rare … it could be medium rare.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

A lot of doctors and drugstores do not have the refrigeration required to keep the vaccines cold enough. Fortunately, though, I have a solution to this problem: deliver the vaccine in ice cream trucks. It's winter, they're not using them anyway, right?

Usually presidents grant pardons after they've been vetted very carefully by the justice department. Trump is shooting them out of a T-shirt cannon right now.

The good news is vaccines are on the way, but the next big challenge might be getting people to take them. In an effort to give that a push, three former presidents announced that they'd be willing to get the shot on TV. Obama, Bush and Clinton are joining forces for what they promise will be the most boring Pay Per View event of our lives.

Our future ex-president is not happy with his attorney general, Bill Barr. He was called to a meeting with Trump that was said to be "intense." I would love to have been a fly on the wall Trump didn't build for that one!

Late Night with Seth Meyers

After a week of online voting, a national park in Alaska yesterday crowned a bear named Black Bear 747 the winner of its annual "Fat Bear Week." Though if you ask me, [in] any contest where you can eat whatever you want then pass out for six months, everybody's a winner.

President Trump ended a heated interview with Lesley Stahl of "60 Minutes" after he became irritated with the line of questioning. Apparently, he didn't like that there was one.

Wildlife officials in Florida announced yesterday that they have uncovered an animal trafficking ring that allegedly captured almost 4,000 flying squirrels to be sold as pets. Both the suspects and the victims are considered a flight risk.

According to the latest numbers, over 70 million people across the country have already voted. Or, as the postal service is reporting: none.

Pizza chain Papa John's has announced that it will begin offering a new cheeseburger pizza, which will feature a "huge portion of seasoned beef, melty cheese, zesty pickles and signature burger sauce." That story again: Papa John is back and he is wasted.