Late Laughs for the week of February 7 - 13, 2021

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Trump is being impeached again. Right now everyone in America is having déjà coup.


Seventeen years after the final episode, "Sex and the City" is coming back. They already released an episode, and the first 20 minutes is Mr. Big waiting for his pill to kick in.


You know your presidency is off the rails when you have to distract from your attempted coup with your giant symbol of racism.


Girl Scouts are teaming up with Grubhub for contactless cookie delivery. This raises an interesting question: can it really be considered buying Girl Scout cookies if a co-worker isn't guilting you into buying more boxes?


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Pretty on-brand for America to elect their first woman vice-president and make her do her old job, too … and only pay her for one of them.


You can do a lot in nine days. That's enough to create the entire universe and then take a three-day weekend.


For those of you who don't know what Parler is, it's like a Thanksgiving dinner where the whole table is just racist uncles.


Congress did receive some helpful safety tips as they were reminded that the purchase of a bulletproof vest is a reimbursable expense. Same reason Lincoln got to write off those theater tickets.


[Trump's role in the U.S. Capitol riot] is a pure dereliction of duty. That's like your doctor yanking out your IV, or a lifeguard drowning your grandpa, or the host of your book club failing to buy box wine!


Like all of you, I am deeply worried about the disease sweeping this country: fascism … and COVID, but one plague at a time, please.


The Late Late Show with James Corden

Fifty-seven percent of Americans would like Trump out. Did we need this poll? This is what elections are for.


Rudy Giuliani is now facing the possibility of disbarment. Just to be clear, are we saying that up until last week he was a fine, upstanding member of the legal profession?


It was just announced that Disneyland will become a mass COVID-19 vaccination site. Sure, why not, I trust my health care to a couple of mice, a dog and a duck without pants.


You know things are bad if you're in a photo with Rudy Giuliani and you look like the crazy one.


Dodger Stadium will be converted into a COVID-19 vaccination site, and if you need help using the needle, most baseball players from the '90s should be able to assist you.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Pence has reportedly said privately that he'd consider invoking the 25th [amendment] if Trump becomes "more unstable." More unstable? That's like Noah saying, "If this rain gets any worse, I might have to build an ark."


The reason Trump took so long to answer the many calls for help he was getting from his friends in Congress is he was too busy watching TV. He wouldn't take any phone calls because he didn't want to miss any of the riot. That's why he calls himself the "Law-and-Order" President, because he spends all day watching episodes of it.


The only thing Chuck Norris is storming nowadays is the bathroom at 4 o'clock in the morning.


The White House, right now, has the feel of a Radio Shack in 2015.


This is what Trump does: even if you don't jump ship, sooner or later he'll throw you off it.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

Twitter announced that it has permanently banned President Trump. It kind of feels like that moment in a shark movie where the fin slowly goes back under the water. Like, he's still gonna ram the boat, but now I don't know from which side.


Producers announced yesterday that "Sex and the City" will return for a 10-episode limited series without star Kim Cattrall. The limited series will be called just "The City."


President Trump told reporters this morning that it would be dangerous to impeach him for inciting last week's attack on the Capitol and added, "I want no violence." And then he winked so hard at the camera, the lens cracked.


Ben & Jerry's announced yesterday that it will launch a new line of frozen dog treats. Perfect … if your dog just got broken up with.


A woman in Moscow broke the Guinness World Record for "longest under-ice swim" this week after she swam 280 feet without coming up for air. Said the woman, "Why didn't anyone rescue me?!"


According to a new report, "The Office" was the most streamed show of 2020 … but mostly because we wanted to remember what one looked like.