Conan

CNN is reporting that the Russians have disgusting and damaging information about Donald Trump.  Apparently, the Russian report on Trump contains "everything we already know."

 

Republican Sen. Rand Paul said that this week he will introduce a GOP replacement plan for Obamacare. The new comprehensive health initiative will be called "Don't Get Sick."

 

In Florida, a group of homes had to be evacuated due to a sinkhole. However, as usual, officials are having trouble telling where the sinkhole ends and Florida begins.

 

Archeologists have discovered fossilized tomatillos believed to be 52 million years old. They were found in the kitchen of a San Bernadino Chili's.

 

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have reached a divorce agreement. They agreed on a 50-50 split: she takes 50 kids, he takes the other 50.

 

Donald Trump is reportedly having multiple disagreements with his defense secretary pick, James "Mad Dog" Mattis. You know you're in trouble when a guy named Mad Dog is telling you to take it down a notch.

 

Due to slow sales, Apple CEO Tim Cook has been given a 15 percent pay cut. Or, as Cook is spinning it, he's coming out with a thinner, more lightweight wallet.

 

In a tweet today, Donald Trump compared the way he's been treated to "Nazi Germany." Which is unfair, because everyone knows Hitler won his election without the help of the Russians.

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

This week, the Los Angeles Rams hired 30-year-old Sean McVay to be their head coach, making him the youngest coach in modern NFL history. You can tell he's young because, instead of throwing the challenge flag, he just texts the ref a frowny emoji.

 

JetBlue just became the first airline to offer free Wi-Fi to passengers on every flight. So, now it won't cost you anything to go on a Twitter rant about your flight on JetBlue during your flight on JetBlue.

 

A team of chemists in the U.K. say they've created the world's tightest knot by manipulating individual molecules. They said the only way to make a knot any tighter is to put your earbuds in your pocket for two seconds.

 

I read about a 4-year-old girl in Georgia who has read over 1,000 books, and reads at a college level. Meanwhile, I still stop and think every time I have to spell the word "Wednesday."

 

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

The director of national intelligence released a report that found that Putin ordered the effort to undermine faith in the election and help Trump. Apparently, after Russia was embarrassed by the Olympic doping scandal, Putin wanted to discredit the image of the United States and cast it as hypocritical. Hey, Putin, we don't need any help looking hypocritical, OK? We're the country that invented both chili cheese fries and open-heart surgery. We got this one.

 

Intelligence officials prepared a two-page summary of allegations that Russian operatives claim to have compromising personal and financial information about Mr. Trump. Trump received these documents as part of his intelligence briefing, so we know one thing for sure: he didn't read them.

 

Trump immediately denied the report, tweeting: "Intelligence agencies should never have allowed this fake news to leak into the public. One last shot at me. Are we living in Nazi Germany?" So true -- we all remember how unfair Nazi Germany was to their charismatic leader. Those people were always going "Talk to the hand!"

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

In a tense exchange yesterday, a U.S. Navy destroyer fired warning shots at fast-approaching Iranian naval ships. So, of course, our president-elect tweeted about how overrated Meryl Streep is.

 

Today marks the 10-year anniversary of the iPhone. The Samsung Galaxy Note 7 even celebrated with a fireworks display.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tonight, President Obama gave his farewell speech. It's the one Obama speech the Republicans have been looking forward to. Obama said, while he was preparing his speech, "I'm thinking about this as a chance to say thank you for this amazing journey." Sounds like someone has been watching "The Bachelor!"

 

The farewell speech is a tradition started by George Washington. His speech was largely written by Alexander Hamilton, which means it would have been almost impossible to get tickets for it.

 

A speech is great, but it would have been cooler if Obama just tossed a lit cigarette and walked away in slow motion as Air Force One exploded behind him.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Meryl Streep was given the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award at the Golden Globes last night, and used her acceptance speech to criticize Donald Trump. That's right, the all-time queen of American drama was criticized by Meryl Streep.

 

The movie "La La Land" won a record seven Golden Globes last night. The movie tells the story of a struggling jazz musician named Sebastian, who, against all odds, is white.

 

First lady Michelle Obama gave her final White House speech on Friday, where she told young people to "never fear." Though it was weird that she told old people to "watch your backs."

 

More than 60 cities around the world celebrated the 16th annual No Pants Subway Ride yesterday. Or, as that one guy on your train calls it, Sunday.

 

After past accusations of racism, attorney general nominee Sen. Jeff Sessions said today: "I abhor the Klan and its hateful ideology." Though he refused to answer the follow up question: "Ku Klux or Wu Tang?"

 

Eric Trump recently said that the Trump Organization will "probably not" pursue business deals in Russia in the next few years. They'll also "probably not" tell us if they do.

 

Music streaming app Spotify today offered President Obama a job as "President of Playlists." And they say America isn't racist -- white ex-presidents get offered jobs as corporate lobbyists and they ask the black guy if he wants to be a DJ.

 

Google's self-driving car company has said that it has cut the cost of driverless car technology by 90 percent. So, if you're still a little scared at the thought of driverless cars, you're gonna love super cheap driverless cars.

 

During his farewell address last night, President Obama complimented Michelle Obama for her "grace and grit." Which, I assume, are the names of her arms.

 

President Obama today awarded Vice-President Joe Biden the Presidential Medal of Freedom with distinction, which is an honor only three other people have been given over the last 30 years. Then Biden gave Obama HIS highest honor, double finger guns with a wink.

 

A Harry Potter-themed restaurant opened this week in Brooklyn. Or, more likely, that's just how people in Brooklyn dress.