The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The GOP's compromised offer to Biden's plan is a compromise [in] the same way a pack of wolves compromises with an absent-minded caribou.

 

So once you leave a job, you're immune from prosecution? "Cannibalism? Nice try, your honor, but I don't even work at White Castle anymore."

 

You gotta admit, sedition is a lot easier than voting: you don't have to register, you don't have to wait in line, you're not risking jury duty and you still get a cute little sticker.

 

[Newsmax] invited a pillow magnate to talk about how Twitter banned him for spouting insane conspiracy theories and then they were all shocked when he started spouting insane conspiracy theories. A news anchor might as well say, "For more on the dangers of demon-possessed monster dogs, we turn to our first guest: Cujo!"

 

Like everything during the pandemic, this year's Prayer Breakfast was held remotely. Obviously God was there — he's everywhere — but he's pretty old and couldn't figure out how to get off mute. We see your burning bush, but we can't hear the commandments!

 

A Little Late with Lilly Singh

I know, we're all like, "I can't wait till things get back to normal." But don't forget that "normal" included pants that don't stretch.

 

Girls get in trouble for wearing spaghetti-strap tank tops. Stop trying to control girls' spaghetti straps and rather just control boys' noodles!

 

So, Barbie could be lesbian, or she could be bi, or she could be pan. Why are we putting her in a box? She already comes in one!

 

Kids are naturally open-minded. The only thing they don't accept is bedtime.

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The first nor'easter of 2021 began yesterday and continued all day today; here in New York a state of emergency was declared. Not really sure that was necessary, since last March our resting status has pretty much been "state of emergency."

 

It seems Punxsutawney Phil has been spending quarantine like the rest of us because he came out in stretchy pants eating a tube of cookie dough.

 

This year's Golden Globes should be interesting because, thanks to the pandemic, people actually saw all the nominees! Even when they announced the nominations for Best Foreign Film I was like, "Holy crap, I know all of these!"

 

After suspending production for a few holidays last year, Peeps are officially coming back for Easter. In true Easter fashion, you thought they were gone, but now they're back.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

Over the weekend, five of Trump's impeachment lawyers abruptly quit. Trump suddenly found himself without any legal representation, which is still a huge improvement over being represented by Rudy Giuliani.

 

It looks like Trump's lawyers will be arguing that the trial is unconstitutional because Trump is no longer president. I'm going to use this. Next time a cop pulls me over, I'm going to be like, "Well, I'm no longer speeding. I was. I'm not now. Therefore this ticket is unconstitutional."

 

Nike has just announced a new kind of shoe. It's a no-lace, slip-on sneaker that does not require the use of hands to put them on and take them off. Good idea … now do pants.

 

Zoom recently announced a new product for when people start going back into the office. It's a virtual receptionist feature which will allow visitors to check in with a receptionist in the lobby via a touchscreen. This is great, because every day I think to myself, "How can I squeeze in one more Zoom meeting?"

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

I know Groundhog Day doesn't actually repeat itself — that's the movie, not the day — but just in case, I hired a Belgian waffle truck to park outside my house this morning. I figure if I'm living the day over and over again, why not start it off with waffles?

 

On Feb. 2 of last year, we had zero reported deaths from COVID. But then the whole country was on lockdown exactly six weeks after Groundhog Day! But who could have known? Who could possibly have predicted what would happen in six weeks? That groundhog, that's who!

 

How is it that 7-Eleven manages to stay open all night and the places with the life-saving drugs close at 8? Put the vaccine in slurpees if you have to!

 

I'm starting to forget what normal even was. It's like "Mad Men" or something — I remember it being good, I just can't really remember what happened.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A man in Idaho over the weekend won the lottery for the sixth time, which sounds kind of suspicious, honestly. I mean, you win the lottery once, you leave Idaho.

 

According to FBI officials, a Wisconsin pharmacist who allegedly destroyed more than 500 coronavirus vaccine doses believes that the Earth is flat and the sky is not real. Wow, how did that guy become a pharmacist instead of a congressman?

 

Pennsylvania groundhog Punxsutawney Phil today saw his shadow. Which, in COVID times, means six more weeks of February.

 

The Staten Island Zoo held a virtual Groundhog Day ceremony today, featuring its groundhog, Staten Island Chuck. "Staten Island Chuck" is also the official term for when you throw up in a taxi.

 

President Biden will participate in the traditional presidential pre-Super Bowl interview on Sunday. It's a great way to keep the nation informed and make Tom Brady seem young.