Conan

This weekend, the nation's airports were filled with people protesting President Trump's Muslim ban. It was the largest collection of angry people at an airport since every United Airlines flight.

 

The CEO of Starbucks has pledged to hire 10,000 refugees. When asked why, the CEO said: "Starbucks has always been the place for people with nowhere else to go."

 

California Gov. Jerry Brown said if he has to, he will fight Donald Trump in court on climate change. Experts say it will be the landmark case of Brown vs. Orange.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

A new study suggests that your life really does flash before your eyes when you have a near-death experience. Some people think that's pretty scary, while Hugh Hefner said, "I can't wait!"

 

Trump is causing all kinds of trouble this week. In fact, I saw that Israel just had to apologize to Mexico after their prime minister tweeted support for Trump's border wall. So not only has Trump failed to solve the Middle East conflict, somehow he's dragged Mexico into the middle of it.

 

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones, while they're gonna make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

 

Today, President Trump met with the CEO of Pepsi. They actually have something in common: They're both America's second-most popular choice.

 

Mexican drug lord El Chapo appeared in federal court in Brooklyn today, where his lawyers complained that his prison conditions are too harsh. Yeah, they said he has a tiny cell with a toilet right in the middle of the room. New Yorkers said, "What's the rent?"

 

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

At Dulles Airport, a 5-year-old Iranian boy was detained for hours and kept from his mother. Or, as Kellyanne Conway calls it, "alternative daycare."

 

On Saturday, our president spoke with Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, and lashed out at Turnbull on the phone call. Please don't pick a fight with Australia! They'll cut off our supply of Uggs, koala jerky and Hugh Jackman.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

A gourmet restaurant in San Francisco is now offering a signature dish that is served on an iPad. Or as it will be reported next week, "Restaurant in San Francisco suddenly missing all of its plates."

 

Not all of the entrées at this restaurant come out on an iPad. For example, when you order the fajitas, they come out on a sizzling Galaxy Note 7.

 

Jan. 31 is National Backward Day. Not to be confused with Jan. 20, which was Set the Nation Backward Day.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Trump is meeting with British Prime Minister Theresa May tomorrow. It should be interesting. I see it going something like this: "Your Ben's not that big. I've seen much bigger Bens."

 

The prime minister wants to reaffirm the so-called "special relationship" between the United States and Britain. I guess she hasn't checked America's Facebook status recently. We're already in a special relationship with a world leader; his name is Vlad.

 

I don't understand this [immigration ban]. I mean, if Donald Trump stops all the immigrants, where is he going to find his next wife?

 

Trump spoke with Vladimir Putin for about an hour. Putin wanted to know if Trump liked the gift he got him, and Donald told him that yes, he was enjoying the presidency very much.

 

One of many stories coming out of the White House today is a rumor that Melania Trump won't be moving to Washington, D.C., at all. Wow, he really is serious about keeping immigrants out.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump's golf club in Mar-a-Lago, Florida, recently doubled its initiation fee from $100,000 to $200,000. And if you think that's crazy, he tripled the number of people who were at the inauguration.

 

In an interview with "ABC News" yesterday, President Trump reiterated his promise to build a wall along the Mexican border. Though at this point, I think we're putting up a wall the same way the nurse pulls the curtain around your hospital bed. "You don't wanna see this ... "

 

Police in states where marijuana is legal are reportedly struggling to find a system to determine if someone is too high to drive. So far, the best method is to hand them a breathalyzer and see if they try to inhale.

 

A Virginia man has given his wife a kidney as a 20th anniversary gift. "Just admit you forgot!" said his wife.

 

President Trump said yesterday that his ban on visitors from seven Muslim-majority nations is "not about religion," but about "keeping our country safe." Though if you really wanna keep Americans safe, quit making them walk in the street.

 

German Chancellor Angela Merkel this weekend reportedly had to explain the "Geneva Refugee Convention" to President Trump during a phone call. She also had to explain to him not to push the buttons while they were talking.

 

According to a new poll, Chris Christie currently has the lowest approval rating for any governor in any state in over 20 years. "Wow!" said former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich from PRISON.

 

President Trump today met with executives from the pharmaceutical industry, and they once again explained to him that there's no such thing as Viagra for your hands.

 

A group of more than 500 sledders at an Austrian ski resort recently set a new world record for the longest chain of sleds. Even more impressive: literally anything.

 

President Trump referred to CNN as "fake news" during a Black History Month event today. Said CNN: "No, it really is Black History Month."

 

A team of researchers in the Netherlands recently built a 46-foot-long bridge made with cannabis hemp. Finally, a bridge everybody wants to burn!

 

Scientists at a Dutch zoo are planning to study how primates choose suitable mates by using a program known as "Tinder for Orangutans." "Uh, I think I downloaded that one," said everyone using regular Tinder.

 

Today is Groundhog Day, and Punxsutawney Phil came out of his burrow and was immediately captured and detained for extreme vetting.

 

According to President Trump's doctor, Trump takes four different pills every day. Well, it's actually one pill cut into four pieces that are small enough for him to hold.

 

It was announced that Bernie Sanders will be the commencement speaker this year at Brooklyn College. And if you'd like to hear Sanders's speech, just open your windows.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

The White House responded to criticism of the travel ban by saying that they're not banning Muslims, they're just banning people from seven Muslim-majority nations. Which is sort of like saying: "We're not banning white people, we're just banning people who loved 'La La Land.'"

 

Trump says the ban is to prevent "radical Islamic terrorists" in America. ... There are 1.7 billion Muslims in this world. If you think 1.7 billion people are actively trying to kill you, maybe you're a little radical.

 

While appearing on MSNBC, Kellyanne Conway defended President Trump's travel ban by referencing what she called the "Bowling Green Massacre," which is a terrorist attack that never happened. In response, Congress immediately launched an investigation into Hillary Clinton's role in the Bowling Green Massacre.

 

In a phone call with Australia's prime minister, President Trump called a plan to accept more than a thousand refugees from the country, "a dumb deal." Trump threatened to retaliate by hitting Australia with a 20 percent import tax on Hemsworth brothers.

 

Police at Kennedy Airport arrested a man after they found cocaine hidden in three cans of tuna. He faces up to 10 years for the cocaine and the death penalty for bringing tuna onto an airplane.

 

A new study finds that people can improve their sleep by camping outside for a week during the winter. The study was published by hungry wolves.

 

A Saudi prince has reportedly spent more than $15,000 to buy seats on a flight for his 80 pet falcons. Then all hell broke loose when they started the in-flight movie: "Stuart Little."