Conan

Sales of Corona beer are down because people are mistakenly connecting it to the coronavirus. Yeah, the same thing happened a few years ago to Ebola beer, remember that? Remember when no one was buying Bird Flu Hot Pockets?

 

Popeye's chicken is coming out with its own line of clothing. The clothes come in small, medium, large and "oh you must eat at Popeye's."

 

President Trump unveiled his new 2020 campaign slogan: "Stronger. Safer. More prosperous." This narrowly beat out Trump's second choice, "Less impeach-y"

 

A Little Late With Lilly Singh

Instead of just my dad walking me down the aisle, both my parents walk with me -- I can't think of anything more romantic than the sound of my mom and dad arguing.

 

It's totally normal to leave some clumps of hair behind when you shower, but after I take a shower, it looks like someone drowned the Gremlins.

 

Canadian news is a bit slower than American news. For entertainment, Canadians just say, "I wonder what crazy thing happened in America today?" Canadians watch CNN like it's "The Real Housewives."

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

I read that Las Vegas is no longer using its famous slogan, "What Happens Here, Stays Here." They've already come up with a new slogan: "What Happens Here Gets Posted on Instagram, and You're Fired."

 

There was an impeachment bombshell that just came out, and it could possibly bring down Trump's presidency, or as it's known in the White House: Monday.

 

Congrats to Billie Eilish for winning five Grammys -- she's feeling so happy and upbeat now, she has no idea how she'll write her next song.

 

Super Bowl LIV is on Sunday! So many exciting questions: Who will win? Who will lose? Most importantly, who will take the hint when the game's over, it's time to leave my house!

 

Not only is the Super Bowl on Sunday, it's also Groundhog Day. Things are going to be a little different this year. Now, if the groundhog sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of Trump's impeachment trial.

 

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

[John Bolton's] book won't officially be released until March 17, which, by the way, is St. Patrick's Day. So this year, when I'm drunk and throwing up, it won't be because I'm Irish.

 

We're coming to what might be the end of Donald Trump's impeachment trial. The Republicans are trying to wrap it all up in time to not learn anything -- it's all explained in the new film "I Don't Want to Know What You Did Last Summer."

 

Dude, you don't need to keep lying about Mexico paying for the wall. The jig is up! When parents tell their kids they're taking them to Disneyland and it turns out to be a trip to the dentist, they don't keep trying to convince them they're at Disneyland!

 

[Trump] recently revealed the official logo for Space Force, which bears a strong resemblance to the Star Fleet logo from "Star Trek." It's like Space Force saw the Star Fleet logo and was like, "Make it so."

 

The Late Late Show with James Corden

One of Trump's lawyers is Alan Dershowitz, who famously represented O.J. Simpson. I get it, he's pretty much the go-to lawyer if all signs point to you being very guilty.

 

An Instagram influencer went to take a selfie on a beach in South Africa and got photobombed by two penguins getting it on. The penguins are reportedly very embarrassed after getting caught having sex on camera but say they're very excited to launch their reality TV careers.

 

[The impeachment] is starting to feel like "Star Wars." I used to be really into it, now I'm just sort of watching it out of some sort of obligation.

 

Fifty-six percent of Americans say their favorite part of the Super Bowl is food. Although, that number jumps to 100% for British talk show hosts who don't quite understand American football yet.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

There are now more books about Trump's incompetence than there are in the Goosebumps series.

 

Trump's lawyers keep threatening that if Democrats call their witnesses, Trump will have the right to call his witnesses, too. That's how trials work! That's like if the 49ers threatened to send out their special teams. "You kick off, I swear to God we will try to run it back!"

 

The other big argument is that if they open it up to witnesses, the trial could go on for months and prevent the Senate from getting business done. As if they've done any business. Blockbuster Video has done more business than the Senate in the last three years

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

In honor of Valentine's Day, Krispy Kreme has started selling heart-shaped "conversation doughnuts." Unfortunately, the only conversations they start are with your doctor.

 

President Trump claimed his Middle East peace plan will make it easier to visit sites "so vividly described in the Bible," adding, "Like, there's this garden where a lady never, ever wears clothes, and eating fruit is actually bad for you!"

 

According to sources, former national security adviser John Bolton told conservative donors that he thinks President Trump is "mentally unstable." But I'm sure Trump will clear up that misconception with 150 tweets at 3 a.m.

 

Over 150,000 people are expected to visit Miami this weekend for the Super Bowl, as well as a handful of unlucky tourists who happened to pick the wrong weekend.

 

A 30-foot-high portion of President Trump's border wall blew over yesterday and fell into Mexico. Man, that's how rough things are right now. Even Trump's wall is leaving the country.

 

Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che

A goat has been born in India with a genetic deformity that makes it look like it has a human face. "Wow, crazy, how did that happen?" said a lonely farmer.

 

Trump is so confident he's gonna win, he's using Jeffrey Epstein's lawyer to represent him. Talk about credibility. Who's his character witness? R. Kelly?