Late Night With Seth Meyers

During his inaugural address on Friday, President Trump said that "the forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer." Wow, the good news just keeps coming for 3 Doors Down!

During his inaugural address, President Trump said that the ideology for his administration will be "America First."  Which also happens to be Putin's ideology: "America first, then we go into Ukraine, then eastern Europe ... "

Hillary Clinton said yesterday that the images of the Women's March were "awe-inspiring." Adding, "Nice to see you all come out in full force, finally."

Following President Trump's inauguration, the White House website no longer has an option for translation into Spanish. So, sorry, Mexican immigrants, but if you wanna live here, you'll just have to learn to speak Russian.

Oscar nominations were announced today with Meryl Streep nominated for "Florence Foster Jenkins," Natalie Portman for "Jackie" and Hillary Clinton for smiling her way through the inauguration.

Three people were arrested and charged in New Jersey today after leaving behind a pound of marijuana in their hotel room. How could you forget your marijuana? Oh. Right.

According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. Because if there's one thing women love, it's a man who can lie.

Conan

Over the weekend, 750,000 protesters attended the Women's March in downtown Los Angeles. The last time this many women gathered in downtown L.A., it was to testify against Bill Cosby.

There were marches across all seven continents, including Antarctica. To be fair to Trump, the protest in Antarctica was just the March of the Penguins.

The White House has admitted that Donald Trump did not write his inauguration speech. The speech was written late last Thursday by a disgruntled postal worker.

The Oscar nominations came out today, and the movie "La La Land" got 14 nominations. However, that's only because three to five million undocumented immigrants voted illegally.

It's come out that Donald Trump signed an executive order to call his inauguration day "A National Day of Patriotic Devotion." That was his second choice. His first was: "A Trumpful Day of Trumptastic Trumpiness."

[Trump] did call his inauguration day "A National Day of Patriotic Devotion." So today, Trump was accused of fascism by Democrats and plagiarism by Kim Jong-un.

President Trump announced he will nominate a new Supreme Court Justice sometime next week. Trump said: "I just need a few more days to come up with someone completely unqualified." It's going to be Scott Baio.

Senior aides to Donald Trump say they try to keep him from watching cable TV. And that's partly because the news channels upset him, but mostly because he's now bought over 300 Nutri-bullets.

A "Fox News" host claims he saw Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway get into a fistfight at one of the inaugural balls. However, today it was explained to him that that's just how Irish people dance.

Engineers have begun trying to find a way to brew beer on the moon. Which means we'll soon have astronauts calling into Mission Control saying, "Houston, we have a drinking problem."

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Even though our studio can only hold 200 people, Donald Trump's press secretary says we've got two million people here tonight!

The Women's March in Washington was on Saturday, and it had three times as many people as Trump's inauguration. When he was told there were hundreds of thousands of women outside the White House, Trump said: "Wow, this Trump cologne really works!"

Yesterday was Donald and Melania Trump's 12th wedding anniversary. When asked what the traditional 12th anniversary gift is, Trump said: "I don't know, I've never made it this far."

President Trump is still settling into the White House, and I read that Trump's gold curtains in the Oval Office are the same ones Hillary picked out for Bill Clinton back in 1993. So she may not be president, but Hillary still figured out a way to throw some shade.

There are reports that Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway actually punched a guy while trying to break up a fight at Trump's inaugural ball. Though she says it wasn't a punch, it was an "alternative high-five."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Isn't it fun that every week now we get an all-new ridiculous phrase? Not since "consciously uncoupled" have I heard something as conveniently skewed as "alternative facts." I wish I'd known about alternative facts when I was in high school. I would have aced every test!

Mel Gibson was nominated for his work directing "Hacksaw Ridge," which is amazing. Just a few years ago, Mel Gibson was not welcome anywhere in Hollywood. Now he's nominated for Best Director. We have very short memories because of all the Botox we shoot into our heads.

[Trump] got his first approval rating numbers, and they aren't good. His approval rating stands at 45 percent, which is the lowest in history for a new president. Or, as his press secretary Sean Spicer put it today, "the highest in history for a new president."