Late Laughs for the week of February 17 - 23, 2019

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Jimmy Kimmel Live

Ticket prices for seats at the Super Bowl are reportedly down they say, in part, because Rams fans don't want to go all the way to Atlanta to see the game. That makes sense. In L.A., it's hard to get anyone to drive 20 minutes to meet you for dinner.


Today was a very big day here in Hollywood. It was Oscar nomination day. If you got a screaming call from your publicist before 6 a.m. this morning, you were either nominated for an Oscar, or you're Kevin Spacey.



We are back with a 30-minute show. I don't want you to worry about that -- it may be only 30 minutes, but I assure you, it's going to FEEL like two hours.


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Well you guys, it was just five degrees in New York City today. It was so cold, hot dog vendors were complaining about shrinkage.


Temperatures are below freezing all over the country. Up in Boston, two Patriots fans high-fived and their hands just shattered.


Throughout the country, people are dealing with freezing temperatures. All day long, New Yorkers struggled with how to give each other the finger while wearing mittens.


Nominations for the Academy Awards were announced early this morning by Tracee Ellis Ross and Kumail Nanjiani. So if you're keeping track, they found two people to wake up at 5 a.m. to read the nominations, but still no one to host the show.


I saw that Christian Bale was nominated for his role in "Vice," while Bradley Cooper and Sam Elliott were nominated for "A Star Is Born." They were actually all nominated in the same category: "Best Achievement in Growling."


It's Day 32 of the government shutdown, and I read that a record 10 percent of TSA workers are now skipping work. So if you've ever wanted to sneak a bottle of water onto a plane, now's your chance!


Flights in and out of Newark Airport were delayed yesterday when a small drone was spotted flying near the airport. Then United Airlines said, "Actually that's our new 'Basic Economy' plane."


I heard that CBS is refusing to air an ad that calls for legalizing weed during the Super Bowl. Instead, they're just gonna air one of those Matthew McConaughey ads that makes you feel like you're high.


A billionaire just bought a $238-million penthouse overlooking Central Park, and it's the most anyone has ever paid for a home in the U.S. But since it's New York, he's still gotta live with three roommates.


I saw that during the game, CBS commentator Tony Romo was actually predicting what was going to happen before each play. Then every guy watching at home was like, "Oh sure, but when I do it, I'm ruining the Super Bowl party."


The Late Late Show With James Corden

Personally, I'm very excited about "The Favourite" getting all this recognition, because it means the United States might finally admit that the word "favorite" is supposed to have a "u" in it.


A lot of people were complaining on Twitter this morning about Bradley Cooper being snubbed for Best Director, which is an outrage, it really is. It means he's just going to have to settle for being Bradley Cooper.


More than 68,000 pounds of gluten-free chicken nuggets were recalled after customers found pieces of wood in them. Good news for anyone who's looking to get a little more fiber in their diet.


In Texas recently, a man was in the locker room after working out at a 24-Hour Fitness, when the gym closed and he suddenly found himself locked inside. So at best, they were a 23-Hour Fitness. On the plus side, having a panic attack while you're locked in a gym is great cardio.


An Italian restaurant chain is now offering a special dinner item for expectant couples: they're offering gender-reveal lasagnas. The cheese inside is dyed pink or blue for girls or boys. Congratulations, it's disgusting!


Amazon just made a big announcement: they're now launching a self-driving delivery robot named Scout. Amazon designed it to deliver packages directly to your doorstep. Now, I'm sorry, if there's a scout coming directly onto my family's property, she'd better be selling cookies.


Amazon says their delivery robot is the size of a small cooler -- which I can only imagine is bad news if you're ordering a large cooler.


A cow in Anchorage escaped from her pen during a rodeo, and has managed to evade capture for the last six months. Or, to put it another way: the world's longest rodeo has now been going on for six months.


Contrary to what many people would have thought, it turns out spending a lot of time on your phone isn't harmful. This is great news for young kids and President Trump.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

A recall was issued last week for a brand of ready-to-eat chicken nuggets, following complaints that the packages had pieces of wood in them. And if there's one thing chicken nugget consumers don't want, it's a natural ingredient.


Pro-skateboarder Tony Hawk is launching his own fashion line that will include hoodies, T-shirts, flannels and carpenter pants. It's great if you love hearing your wife say, "No. Change."


A Japanese restaurant is serving a sushi roll that has beef short rib, mayonnaise, egg, pizza, garlic rice, a deep fried pork cutlet and a sausage for $36. It's great if you love sushi, but also don't at all.


Today was National Hot Sauce Day. Or, as Mike Pence calls it: ketchup.


Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

The White House said that the charges against Roger Stone have nothing to do with President Trump. I mean, of course the White House said that, because the White House is the president. If I get accused of something, I can't be like, "Man, I'm innocent. Just ask my apartment."


The Vatican has released a new app called "Click to Pray" that will allow Catholics around the world to pray with Pope Francis, replacing the current app for Catholic prayers, "Grindr."


Two students at the University of Oklahoma have withdrawn from the school after a video was posted online featuring them wearing black face and using a racial slur. But what these kids need more than anything is more school, right? If you hurt somebody in jail, they don't send you home. They give you more jail. Same idea.