The Late Late Show with James Corden

Joe Biden will become the oldest president to ever take the oath of office. This just proves you're never too old to achieve your dreams … unless you're in Los Angeles and over the age of 35.

 

Biden said his whole soul is in it and, because it's Joe Biden, we know it's the kind of soul typically performed by Hall & Oates.

 

I like that the mask mandate is called the "100-Day Masking Challenge." Like people are going, "People don't want to wear masks, but what if we made it into a fun little game that could trend on TikTok?"

 

Amazon has extended an offer to President Biden to help with the national distribution of coronavirus vaccines. If Amazon really wants to step things up, they should lean into the Amazon Prime TV talent: just have all the vaccines administered by the hot priest from "Fleabag."

 

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Mercedes-Benz announced that it will introduce an electric sedan with a mammoth pillar-to-pillar, 56-inch touch screen, which Mercedes calls the "Hyperscreen" because the term "Collision Generator 9000" was already taken.

 

It's like we've been on a ship that's been in a storm for four years and we just stepped onto dry land. I want to kiss the ground, but, you know, COVID.

 

It's so nice to have a president with a soul again. The previous one sold his to the devil and didn't even get Georgia out of it.

 

How do you repair the past? Have we tried unplugging the past and plugging it back in again? Because that works on everything else.

 

Biden talked about the virus, climate change, growing inequality, racism, America's global standing and an attack on truth and democracy — it's like the new four horsemen of the apocalypse plus two bonus horses! You got war, famine, pestilence and death, plus global warming and your Uncle Carl.

 

People from outside the state are coming to Florida to get vaccinated, an issue that's being called vaccine tourism. It's just one of the many types of Florida-specific tourism: you've got theme park tourism, golf tourism and divorced dad getting really into Jimmy Buffet.

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

There's only 36 hours left in Trump's presidency. You think you're excited? Every 10 minutes, the White House staffer yells how much time is left like it's "The Great British Bake Off."

 

Trump said the world respects us again. When he heard that, Vladimir Putin was like, "Yes, is always good to end with joke."

 

We made it to the inauguration. Today Canada wrapped us in a foil blanket while Mexico offered us soup.

 

Biden has so much to do, but that didn't stop him from getting to know his staff. This morning he went around the room and had everyone say their name and what dumpster fire they're currently trying to put out.

 

It's just been confirmed that "Bachelorette" Clare Crawley and Dale Moss have broken up after a five-month engagement. It only lasted five months, but in Bachelor time that's 30 years, so congrats on a great run.

 

Biden's taking on America's biggest problems: yesterday was the pandemic, today was the economy, tomorrow it's people who don't know the Bernie Sanders meme is over.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Trump is leaving office with his lowest approval rating yet — it's down to 29%. The only president to leave the Oval Office with a lower rating than that was Kevin Spacey.

 

I have to say, I'm not sure what to feel right now. It feels like the night before my wedding and my divorce … all rolled up into one.

 

[On Inauguration Day], one guy showed up at the New York State Capitol. He said he drove 45 minutes to stage a protest and was disappointed no one else showed up. Well, at least he's social distancing.

 

Before he [left], this is how Trump closed things out: "Have a good life" and "We will be back in some form." That's ominous. What form? A Demogorgon? A Horcrux? Maybe he'll come back as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man?

 

The Bidens are moved in [to the White House] and their dogs must be going crazy — everything smells like fried chicken in there.

 

This is kind of like a spinoff presidency. Joe Biden was one of the most beloved supporting characters from the Obama administration and now he's got his own show.

 

Late Night with Seth Meyers

Federal regulators on Friday announced the recall of more than 750,000 pounds of Hot Pockets after a sample was found to contain food.

 

A California man was arrested over the weekend at Chicago's O'Hare Airport after allegedly living there for three months. But it's not really his fault. Delta kept pushing the flight back 90 minutes.

 

Joe Biden announced today he will nominate former Obama administration Commodity Futures Trading Commissioner Gary Gensler to lead the Securities and Exchange Commission. It's being called "exactly the kind of boring story we've been craving for four years."

 

In her farewell message yesterday, First Lady Melania Trump said the last four years have been "unforgettable." "Challenge accepted," said Maker's Mark.

 

With less than two days left in office, President Trump yesterday issued several executive orders — and you can tell he's getting desperate because in one of them he just wished for infinite wishes.

 

Cheetos has announced that actors Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher will star in its new Super Bowl commercial. Which is, as of now, the biggest news story in the Biden presidency.