The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Happy Martin Luther King Day, everybody. For anyone who had today off, I hope you celebrated in the traditional way: by sleeping in so you, too, could have a dream.

 

Donald Trump observed [Martin Luther King Day] by visiting the National Museum of African American History, or more accurately, cancelling his visit to the National Museum of African American History. Although I guess in a way that might be good. The last thing we need is Trump learning more about segregation.

 

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey is officially shutting down. This is sad news for every kid threatening to run away and join the circus. And also sad news for every parent with a creepy, old-fashioned kid who still says stuff like that.

 

The circus won't officially close until May, so if you don't get a chance to see it, you had 150 years. No one feels bad for you.

 

Conan

Donald Trump said after he's sworn into office on Friday, he's going to take the weekend off. Unless of course he has to deal with a national emergency or a "Saturday Night Live" sketch.

 

Republicans want to eliminate many of the restrictions of the Endangered Species Act. That's bad news for animals, but great news for fans of Carl's Jr.'s California Condor Burger.

 

Analysts say China is gearing up for a trade war with the United States. Here's how it's gonna go: China will say, "We have all your iPhones," and we'll say, "We surrender!"

 

Nintendo recently unveiled the Switch, a home video game console that you can unplug and take whenever you go somewhere. When they heard this, hardcore gamers said, "What do you mean go somewhere?"

 

McDonald's is coming out with an extra-large Big Mac called the "Grand Mac." The Grand Mac's slogan is, "You're gonna die anyway, why wait?"

 

A Southern California man has created a dating site exclusively for Trump supporters. It's a great way for angry white men to meet other angry white men.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump has reportedly asked 50 senior Obama officials to stay under his administration. They include national security adviser Brett McGurk, DEA official Chuck Rosenberg and President Barack Obama.

 

According to a new report, the most common password in 2016 was 123456. And we're STILL wondering how the Russians managed to hack us.

 

This week, NBC announced that "Will & Grace" will return for 10 episodes! But I read that the apartment where Will and Grace lived would cost over $6,500 per month in today's rent prices. Which explains the show's NEW title: "Will & Grace ... & Jeff & Pete & Mark & Jennifer & Katie."

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey circus have announced they're shutting down in May after 146 years. I get why their business is failing. It's hard for Ringling Bros. to claim to be "the greatest show on Earth" when we all know the greatest show on Earth is "The Bachelor."

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today, Donald Trump moved into the smallest house he's ever lived in: the White House.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump responded to Civil Rights leader John Lewis's claims that he is not a legitimate president, tweeting that Lewis is "all talk, talk, talk -- no action or results." Said Trump: "If he's such a great civil rights leader, then why did America just elect a giant racist?"

 

Donald Trump tweeted about Martin Luther King Jr. this morning, saying people should celebrate, quote, "all the many wonderful things that he stood for." He then quickly logged off before anyone asked him to name one.

 

Donald Trump will be sworn in as president this Friday at 12 noon. That's when the big hand is on the 12, and the little hand is on the Bible.

 

Today was first lady Michelle Obama's birthday. And, for the eighth year in a row, an overexcited Joe Biden blew out her candles.

 

A Russian billionaire reportedly paid over $4 million to have Mariah Carey and Sir Elton John perform at his teenage granddaughter's wedding. Said his teenage granddaughter, "Who are these people?"

 

A female zebra shark in Australia has shocked researchers by developing the ability to produce offspring asexually, after spending time away from her male partner. And she says that, so far, he's buying it!

 

North Korea is reportedly "readying two intercontinental ballistic missiles" to "nuke" Donald Trump's inauguration. Listen, tubby, you're gonna have to do a lot better than that if you want to scare us this weekend.

 

Donald Trump said in a speech today that his cabinet has "by far the highest IQ of any cabinet ever assembled." Then someone asked him what "IQ" stands for and he yelled "fake news!" and ran away.

 

Vice-President Joe Biden said today that figuring out Donald Trump's plans for foreign policy is like solving a Rubik's cube. Which is silly. Getting all the colors on different sides is his domestic policy.

 

Donald Trump has reportedly still been using his personal cellphone and will answer calls from unknown numbers. This according to Joe Biden at a slumber party.

 

Today was National Thesaurus Day. Which is not only stupid, it's also stupid.

 

Former baseball star Alex Rodriguez has announced that he will be hosting a reality show featuring retired athletes who are struggling financially. The show will be called, "Why You Should Have Cheated."

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

Donald Trump blamed intelligence agencies for allowing a Russian dossier to leak, tweeting, "Are we living in Nazi Germany?" Of course not. Nazi Germany at least had the guts to take on Russia.

 

Donald Trump was sworn in as the 45th president of the United States. Many have noted that the crowd at the inauguration was smaller than usual. But you can't expect people to stand outside in the cold rain knowing they're about to lose their health care.

 

On Thursday, an inaugural concert featuring 3 Doors Down, Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith was held in front of the Lincoln Memorial. It was the second-worst live performance Lincoln has ever attended.

 

Donald Trump was sworn in as president using two Bibles: Abraham Lincoln's bible, from 1860, and Trump's personal bible, still in its original wrapping.

 

Outgoing President Barack Obama gave his final press conference on Wednesday, and he told the American people, "I think we're going to be OK." Which sounds comforting, but remember, "It's gonna be OK," is also what George tells Lenny at the end of "Of Mice and Men."

 

A feminist is really just someone who believes in equal rights for women. And that's easy to get behind. That is until you see an actual feminist screaming into a cop's face, wearing a homemade uterus hat and then you're like, "Oh there are levels to this!"

 

Scientists in Britain have uncovered a 4,000-year-old etching of a face in a rock, which may be the first "Stone Age selfie." Or -- and hear me out -- it isn't.

 

Handwritten letters by founding father Alexander Hamilton were sold at auction for more than $2 million. And you know they're authentic because they all begin, "Yo, my name is Hamilton and I'm here to say ... "

 

It was announced that after more than 140 years, the Ringling Bros. Circus will close in May due to falling ticket sales and protests from animal rights groups. The animals will be released into sanctuaries, while the clowns will be released into the woods.