Live: Jimmy Kimmel

BP's oil cap seems to be working. The cap they're using is childproof, so it'll never come off.

The Tonight Show: Jay Leno

Before they capped it, BP had to test the integrity of the well. Which I believe is the first time BP and integrity have ever been used in the same sentence.

Do you know the real reason why they're raising the retirement age to 70? So Brett Favre can keep playing, that's why they're doing it.

Although we've done a lot of jokes about the man, we want to give our best to former Vice-President Dick Cheney, who is recovering from heart surgery in the hospital. I understand Fox sent flowers, and MSNBC sent a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.

A new study says that having a cat makes you 40 per cent less likely to die of a heart attack. Not that the cat would care one way or the other.

The countdown is now underway for what a lot of people are calling the wedding of the year -- on July 31, Chelsea Clinton is getting married. Bill and Hillary are thrilled! They say they don't care who the groom is, as long as it's not Levi Johnston.

For the seventh year in a row, Tiger Woods has topped "Sports Illustrated's" list of highest-paid athletes. No. 1 -- Tiger Woods. Coming in second? His wife.

The Late Show: David Letterman

They had a 1,500-metre river swim in the Hudson River over the weekend. The runner-up got a case of beer, the winner got a case of typhoid.  

Mel Gibson is thinking about moving back to Australia. Fortunately, his phone plan includes unlimited long-distance rants.

In Washington D.C., there was an earthquake. It was so powerful that the Supreme Court shifted to the left.

You know who's gonna run for president? Jeb Bush. I feel the same way about Bush presidencies as I do about "The Godfather" films: you're better off stopping at two.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg had a great idea for people, he said, "We'll turn surplus dumpsters into swimming pools."  Enjoy! Nothing says summer in New York City like packing a picnic lunch and heading out to the dumpster.

The president of British Petroleum, Tony Hayward, is leaving his job. It's not official, it just leaked out.

The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson

Apparently BP's containment cap is leaking. When asked if the rumors are true, a BP spokesman said: "Aren't there any more Mel Gibson tapes?"

There are reports that Mel Gibson is moving back to Australia and Australians aren't happy with that. They're like, "Why do you think we sent him to you in the first place?" If Mel does go to Australia, he better be careful because a kangaroo will punch him back.

July is National Ice Cream Month. Baskin-Robbins celebrated by retiring five flavors. That's like celebrating Arbor Day by starting a forest fire.

The man who invented the black box used in airplanes -- the flight recorder -- has died. The cause of death was apparently one too many comedians saying: "Why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box?!"

Late Night: Jimmy Fallon

It's rumored that Mel Gibson may permanently move to Australia. Which, of course, raises the question: When you flush a career down the toilet there, does it go in the opposite direction?

A school in Massachusetts is facing criticism for sending kids home with "fat report cards" that alert their parents to obesity issues. That could get confusing: "Well Gary, the good news is you got an A. The bad news is, it's between an F and a T."

There's a new computer program that can delete all mentions of your ex from your Facebook page. The program is called "your new girlfriend."

Sports Illustrated just reported that Tiger Woods made $90 million over the last year. Or as (his wife) Elin Nordegren calls it: "$45 million."