Late Night: Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that New York ranks No. 7 in the nation for the dirtiest beaches, but sometimes that's not so bad. The last time I went swimming, I cut my foot on a rock and within seconds a Band-Aid floated up to my face.

A man in Ohio was arrested for pushing his kids in a stroller while he was drunk. Police could tell the man was drunk because his kids were in their late 20s.

A woman in Houston just gave birth to a healthy set of quintuplets. The mom says she's excited about her babies and can't wait to watch them grow up on whatever channel gives them a reality show.

The Tonight Show: Jay Leno

A survey says that people from New Jersey are sick and tired of being asked about the TV show "Jersey Shore." They would rather go back to the old Jersey question of "What's that horrible smell?"

Do you know that $8.7 billion of our money has gone missing in Iraq? I didn't even know they had a Goldman Sachs over there.

The price of coffee has surged to a 12-year high. It's getting so expensive that BP is thinking about spilling some.

The Late Show: David Letterman

The president is 49 years old, but it's never a good sign when your age is higher than your political approval rating.

You know what's in town right now? King Tut's chariot. Right now, it's circling the block looking for a spot. It'll be here for two weeks, then it goes right back to Jay Leno's garage.

You know the Salahis -- they kept having parties at the White House and the Salahis would show up and they weren't invited? They have their own show now. It's an exciting episode: the Salahis throw a party and President Obama crashes it.

I guess it was last week, President Obama appeared on the show "The View." But now, Sarah Palin is criticizing the president for what she's calling a cheap TV stunt. Then she went camping with Kate Gosselin.

Live: Jimmy Kimmel

Snooki from "Jersey Shore" was arrested for disorderly conduct in Seaside Heights, N.J. That's like arresting the sun for rising.

Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler may become judges on "American Idol." With Jennifer Lopez, Steven Tyler and Randy Jackson, why even bother having contestants? Put those three in a house and you've got a show right there!

Shark attacks are very rare. Statistically, you're more likely to be attacked by Charlie Sheen than a shark.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have apparently broken up again, less than a month after announcing their engagement. Bristol called it off faster than you can say "Mom, put the gun down." I think with the right amount of love, patience and a 12-episode guarantee from a reality show on VH1, those two can end up engaged again one day.

Happy birthday to President Obama. Republicans tried to block his birthday but they didn't have enough votes.

BP says they've been able to seal the leak in the Gulf of Mexico. They were popping champagne to celebrate, but then they had trouble controlling the flow of the champagne and destroyed their entire office.

The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson

The man who invented the cheese doodle has died. To celebrate his life, everyone at the funeral left an orange fingerprint on his coffin.

The first time I came in contact with a reef shark, I was terrified. Let's just say I wouldn't want to be the guy wearing the wetsuit after me! Apparently the best way to stop a shark attack is to poke them in the eye. It's very comforting to know the difference between life and death is a move perfected by The Three Stooges.

Forty of the world's richest men have agreed to give away half of their wealth. Newspapers are calling it an unprecedented gesture of goodwill, but it's not unprecedented because I've given away half of my stuff twice -- it's called divorce.