Live: Jimmy Kimmel (R)

We've been following Steven Slater, the JetBlue flight attendant that made a daring escape ... from employment. Slater cursed at a passenger, grabbed a couple beers, and went down the inflatable escape slide. Which raises the question: Why don't we always go down the escape slide?

One group of people that can't complain about their jobs is the cast of "Jersey Shore." Getting drunk and cursing people out is their job on that show.

The Tonight Show: Jay Leno (R)

Lance Armstrong is racing right now with the Tour de France for Team Radio Shack. I don't know what's more amazing: that Lance Armstrong is still racing at 38 or that Radio Shack is still in business.

A U.S. Airways flight had to return to Atlanta this week when maggots started falling from the overhead compartments. You know why they're up there? Apparently, there's more leg room.

A Florida man was run over by his own truck after his dog put the truck in gear. First, it looked like an accident, but it turns out the dog was texting.

The U.S. government is saying Arizona's new immigration law is unconstitutional. Legally, there's only one entity that can determine who can come work in this country. And that, of course, is Walmart.

The Late Show: David Letterman

Miss Mexico is the new Miss Universe, and today begins a grueling year of waving.

There was a big controversy in the Miss Universe contest: Miss Iran was disqualified for enriching uranium.

The Miss Universe contestants are judged by poise, beauty and how well they can walk in high heels. It's the same way Republicans pick vice-presidential candidates.

This trial wasn't looking good for Rod Blagojevich, especially when that thing on his head testified against him.

President Obama could not wait to get on vacation. As soon as the plane landed, he grabbed a couple beers and slid down the emergency slide.

Boy, what a day outside -- strange rainy weather. New York City is 70 and gray -- like Brett Favre. He retires, then he doesn't retire, then he retires and he doesn't retire. Now he's not retired and he's playing for the Vikings. Yesterday at training camp, he fumbled ... his teeth! On Monday, he dropped back to pass ... a kidney stone! And today, he was tackled ... by his medical alert bracelet!

Today, our good friend Regis Philbin ... 79 years old today. His doctors got together and threw him a surprise procedure. He celebrated quietly with his money.

Tiger Woods's divorce is final. His wife -- beautiful woman, by the way -- Elin Nordigren is her name. Quite the catch: she's young, she's beautiful, she leads the PGA in earnings!

Here in New York City you can get a Burger King pizza. Here's what it is: it's four Whopper patties and a pizza on a nine-and-a-half-inch bun. And it comes served to you wrapped in your last will and testament.

The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson (R)

It is a day tinged with sadness: It's the last Simon Cowell "American Idol." Cowell is leaving. He said he's looking forward to spending more time at home criticizing his family. Rumors are that Simon is being replaced by another surly dude with a British accent. That's right: Madonna.

Late Night: Jimmy Fallon (R)

British Prime Minister David Cameron is visiting the U.S. and yesterday he and President Obama gave each other pieces of art. That really wasn't necessary, Britain. You've already given us a huge oil painting.

A man in Colorado designed a car where passengers sit on two toilet seats. It's great! When a cop pulls you over and knocks on your window, you can just yell, "Someone's in here!"

Sports Illustrated just reported that Tiger Woods made $90 million over the last year. Or as Elin Nordegren calls it, "$45 million."