The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Now that it appears Trump might lose, he can just hang out, play golf and tweet. He's going to be the only guy in history whose life stayed exactly the same before, during and after his presidency.

Biden's ready to celebrate. Tonight his campaign wheeled out a bucket of milk and said, "On Tuesday this was an ice cream cake."

I will always remember where I was when I heard the news: I was sitting in front of the TV like I had been, 24 hours a day for the past five days.

Kamala Harris will be taking over for Mike Pence. It's rare these days for a human to take over the job of a robot.

What a time this is. The president has gone from firing people on reality TV to denying the reality that he's fired.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Finally, after four years, Americans can exhale … unless you're near other people, then please don't, 'cause of the pandemic.

Peaceful transitions are important. You don't see me starting the show every night getting in a knife fight with David Letterman. I wouldn't dare — the guy's got a reach! Those Hoosiers are scrappy!

The DOJ is just chasing down urban legends that get passed around the internet. Get ready for their new task force to catch the Slender Man.

The Hellman's company surprised a couple whose last names were "Helms," "Mayo" on their wedding day with mayonnaise. Right up there on the list of things people hope for on their wedding day: good weather, no traffic and surprise mayo.

Unlike cats and dogs, who form special bonds with their owners, horses don't love specific humans. It's almost like riding on something's back for hours while whipping it and poking it in the side with metal-heel spikes isn't a bonding experience.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

This news is obviously a huge cause for celebration. If only we were allowed to, you know, have celebrations. We can't even hug.

Trump could be the first one-term president in 28 years. Coincidentally, 28 years is exactly how long this week has felt.

A resort in Rhode Island is offering fans of "The Lord of the Rings" the ability to rent hobbit houses for a night's stay. And, before you even ask, of course they don't have a honeymoon suite!

Trump finally came out of his hole and, yes, I can confirm he saw his shadow, which means there's going to be six more weeks of voter fraud claims.

The state of Georgia announced earlier today that there will be a full hand recount of the presidential race. There's no indication this will change the outcome but, hey, why not force a bunch of people to spend days, indoors, together during a spiking pandemic? I mean, what harm could it do?

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

People were dancing in the streets like Ewoks after they blew up the Death Star. Darth Tax Evader has been toppled!

Why would the Democrats have cheated and stolen the presidency, but given up the Senate and House seats on the same ballots? Is it like when you cheat on a test but purposely get a few wrong just to throw the teacher off the scent?

[Biden] is planning to spend much of his first days in office issuing executive orders to try to undo some of the damage that has been done. Basically, Biden is going to fly around the Earth counterclockwise like Superman trying to reverse everything.

We're basically ignoring the president of the United States like he's a crazy guy on a subway platform. He's ranting and raving, we just raise the volume on our AirPods and hope he doesn't shove us into an oncoming train.

Late Night with Seth Meyers

Sen. Kamala Harris has become the first woman of color to be elected vice-president. Which is a pretty big jump from no color at all.

Pharmaceutical companies Pfizer and BioNTech announced today that their new coronavirus vaccine is more than 90% effective. Wow! All this time we've been waiting for a vaccine, turns out it isn't even the best news this weekend!

A message that was lost by a German military carrier pigeon in 1910 was recently found by hikers in France. And this is worrisome: the message was an acceptance letter to art school.

Some of President Trump's advisers now believe they must let Trump keep fighting the results of the election until he is ready to face reality. Dude, I would say the writing's on the wall but ... you never built one!

Weekend Update with Michael Che and Colin Jost

It's already Saturday and the only candidate who has conceded is Kanye West. It is never a good sign when Kanye accepts reality faster than you do.

Remember in 2016 when [Trump] lost the popular vote to Hillary by 3 million [and] he blamed it on illegal immigrants sneaking in and voting? Well this time, he's gonna lose by 5 million votes, which, by his own logic, means Trump let in 2 million more illegal immigrants, and they all voted for Biden.