Late Laughs for the week of December 4 - 10

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The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

As a performer, there are three things you don't want to follow: animals, children or a fascist takeover of your country — "Cabaret" aside.


[With regard to] Dr. Oz, losing this [election] is a huge blow for the far right of Pennsylvania, which in Oz's case is New Jersey.


Nevada officials are still receiving mail-in ballots [as of Nov. 9], which, by state law, can be counted if they arrive as late as Saturday. But everybody knows time passes quickly in Vegas; you go to kill 10 minutes at the blackjack table and the next thing you know it's two weeks later and you're married to a French-Canadian contortionist from Cirque du Soleil.


As of this morning [Nov. 9], neither candidate [Herschel Walker nor Raphael Warnock] had 50% of the vote, so by Georgia law, the race will go to a runoff. A lucky break for Herschel because, according to many women and children, he's got a lot of experience running off.


One day [after implementing a new check mark system], Twitter rolled back the grey check marks, with Musk tweeting that he wants blue checks to "be the great leveler." Oh, don't worry, Elon, I'm pretty sure you're going to level Twitter.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

For both parties, it [the election] wasn't great, but also not terrible. It was the political equivalent of eating at TGI Friday's.


Apparently [Donald] Trump blamed Melania for convincing him to back Dr. Oz, saying that it wasn't her "best decision." Then Melania was like, "Well, it certainly wasn't my worst."


A man in the U.K. was just arrested for allegedly throwing eggs at King Charles. Yup, some of the eggs shattered on the ground, and, this is tragic, but it's been reported that all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put them back together again.


A Southwest Airlines pilot proposed to his girlfriend over the PA system during a flight — and then the flight attendant was like, "If you want to say no, the exits are located here and here."


The CEO of Delta Airlines said that there is "no possibility" of pilot strikes over the holidays. Depending on if you cheered or booed really says a lot about your families.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Yesterday [Nov. 8], of course, was a very important day in American history: it was Tara Reid's 47th birthday. It was also Election Day. I feel like everyone is exhausted. This is the first election where people don't even have the energy to threaten to move to Canada. We just wanna go to sleep.


We might not have the [election] results from Nevada until the weekend, which is crazy. Nevada: this is a state where you've got slot machines, you've got poker machines, you've got keno, you've got bingo, you go into a sports book [and] they're tallying up the odds for every game, every horse race, every jai alai match in the world. All of those scores and odds somehow appear on a giant video board in real time — and it takes them five days to count a pile of cardboard.


A lot of people posted photos [on social media] with their "I voted" stickers. This is kind of interesting: every state now has a different design. Beto O'Rourke, who is running for governor of Texas, has an "I voted" sticker with a cactus on it. ... Dr. Oz, who, you know, is running for a seat in Pennsylvania, voted in his home state of New Jersey, and President Biden's sticker is actually a pin; it says "Win with Taft." That's probably an old suit.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

Pennsylvania Republican Senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz conceded yesterday in a phone call to Lt. Gov. John Fetterman. Fetterman knew it was him because it was not a Pennsylvania number.


A T-Rex dinosaur skull will go up for auction next month and is expected to sell for 20 million of Nic Cage's dollars.


A professional archer in Denmark recently broke a Guinness World Record by shooting seven arrows through a keyhole. Great for him, terrible for his nosey neighbor.


The Late Late Show with James Corden

Sources say Donald Trump's 2024 presidential campaign is quietly preparing for a launch after next week's midterms. That's Donald Trump for you: the paragon of quiet. Like the footsteps of a kitten on a cloud of cotton candy.


Contrary to popular belief, marijuana does not make you more creative. Oh yeah? Well you tell that to the peanut butter and beef jerky butterscotch fajita I invented on Sunday afternoon!


Election day is fast approaching, and President Biden has been crisscrossing the country making final pushes for Democratic candidates. Tomorrow he will be in California ... [following his] visits to New Mexico and Florida, which actually makes me wonder if he's even campaigning at all or is he just following Jimmy Buffet on tour.


A new restaurant has opened in San Francisco [and it's] exclusively for dogs. For $75, the dogs get a multiple-course meal featuring dishes like chicken-skin waffles and steak tartare with quail egg. So, yeah, California is exactly what you think it is.