Late Laughs for the week of December 29 - January 4

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A Little Late With Lilly Singh

Social media isn't only ruining our bodies, it's ruining our brains. Remember our brains? They used to give us ideas. Now they just say, "Let's go on Twitter and see if the world is still on fire."


Cosmo magazine makes a lot of assumptions, the biggest one being that anyone still buys magazines.



Joe Biden debuted his new campaign slogan, you know what it is? This is real: "No malarkey." [It] narrowly beat out "No bunk," "No poppycock" and "No tomfoolery."


We have a fine show tonight … that's just something people say in this business. I really have no idea.


During today's hearings, one legal scholar warned that the members of congress are one day going to have to face Alexander Hamilton and James Madison in the afterlife. After hearing this, Bernie Sanders said, "I already met them in this life!"


In a new interview that just came out, Brad Pitt said that he didn't cry for almost 20 years. He said the trick is every time he got sad, he just remembered he was Brad Pitt.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The New England Patriots played the Houston Texans. For the Texans, it was the biggest game of the year. For the Patriots, it was a short layover in Houston on the way to the Super Bowl.


The weather was brutal today with snow, ice and rain slowing down one of the busiest travel days of the year. Flight delays ranged between one hour and "The Irishman" on Netflix.


I read that about 30 million people flew for Thanksgiving. Sounds like a lot until you realize 50 million booked tickets.


The weather is so bad travelers flying out of JFK and Newark had delays between one and two hours, while people flying out of LaGuardia were getting sleeping bags and being told, "You live here now."


NBC aired the holiday classic "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." But this is cool -- NBC updated it so that the Grinch tries stealing Christmas with some help from Ukraine.


President Trump is currently in London for a NATO summit. He loves it over there. Anytime someone says "Cheerio!" he replies, "Honey nut."


We had the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Lighting. Twenty thousand people packed into Rockefeller Centre, plus another 10,000 who are still lost from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

The only thing whiter than a golf cart parade would be a mayonnaise waterslide.


Trump fancies himself a Don, but the only mobster Trump is even remotely close to is Fredo.


The Late Late Show with James Corden

A man in Cleveland attempted to rob a bank, but the list of demands he handed over to the teller was mistakenly written on a form that had his name and address on it. He wrote the note on a form he'd used earlier at the DMV, which means spending the night in jail was the second worst thing he had to do that day.


A man in China was recently admitted to the hospital after he sang 10 high-pitched songs in a row at karaoke and collapsed his lung. Yeah, not as easy as I make it look, is it? The saddest part about this is the guy did 10 songs in a row, so you just know that at the time he collapsed, it was just a room full of people going, "Ugh, this guy again?"


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today is a beloved American holiday -- today is "Cyber Monday." Which is followed tomorrow by "Someone Stole the Blender from my Porch" Tuesday.


The president is in London right now. Trump is expected to face protests on the trip, and the prime minister, his buddy Boris Johnson, is actively avoiding him because they have an election next week. Relations between the prime minister and an American president have not been this shaky since "Love Actually."


America is reportedly on the verge of a French fry shortage. Which is a crisis that could result in millions of Americans getting healthier, I guess. But this really tells you all you need to know about how we eat in this country: the two hardest foods in America to get are French fries and the Popeyes chicken sandwich.


Three of four professors ... said what [Trump] did was exactly what the Founders had in mind when they outlined impeachment in the constitution, and said his actions were worse than any president ever. Basically, they rolled up the constitution and spanked him with it.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

The New York Post has published a list of the best movies to watch over Thanksgiving. Coming in at No. 1: any movie you can watch alone in your room.


New York's Old Homestead Steakhouse is offering the country's most expensive Thanksgiving dinner, which costs $181,000 and includes a vacation on a private yacht, a gourmet meal, Super Bowl tickets and two iPhones. Of course, if you hold off on the iPhones, it only runs you $60.


According to reports, raccoon-related delays on New York subways doubled this year. Well, maybe we need to be training them better!


Weekend Update

Residents on Staten Island are upset with a local man who keeps a pet horse in his yard, saying the animal smells and attracts flies. But you know what else smells and attracts flies? Staten Island.


Apple has introduced nearly 60 new emoji characters, including a skunk, an oyster and a drop of blood. Which, coincidentally, is the exact recipe for Mountain Dew.