Late Laughs for the week of December 27 - January 2

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The only thing keeping me driving right now is my post-Obama high, which is just what you want to make you feel better after a MAGA hangover.


Don Jr. tested positive for the coronavirus. Oh my God, that is so sweet. Don Jr. finally got something from his father!


Just in time for Thanksgiving, Perdue [Farms] has released a limited-time-only item called ThanksNuggets. It's perfect for anyone spending Thanksgiving alone wondering, "How can I make this sadder?"


Scientists made monkey brains double in size by splicing them with human genes. Come on, scientists! We've made movie after movie about how this ends badly! "Jurassic Park," "The Fly," nine Planet of the Apes movies!


A weird monolith was found in the Utah desert. Is it aliens making first contact? Is it a site-specific art installation that examines the dynamic tension between man and nature? Or is it a really poorly installed stainless steel backsplash? Utah is the ultimate open-concept kitchen.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

[Sidney Powell] got kicked off Trump's legal team for being too crazy. That's like being kicked off Real Housewives for being too crazy.


The CDC is also warning against traveling on cruise ships. They just raised the risk level to Level 4, which is as high as it goes. To put that in perspective, after it hit the iceberg, the Titanic was at Level 3.


The good news is the turkey was pardoned. The bad news is Trump didn't wear a mask, so he's a goner anyway.


Looking at Biden's cabinet versus Trump's is basically like comparing the White House to the Animal House.


"The Queen's Gambit" just became the most-watched scripted, limited series on Netflix. It's amazing: all it took was closing every bar, gym and restaurant in America to get people to care about chess.


The Late Late Show with James Corden

Chris Christie is wrong about [the behavior of Trump's legal team] being a national embarrassment. I talked to a lot of people back home and, if anything, this is more of an international embarrassment.


Finally, a member of the cabinet who doesn't look like the villain in an '80s kids movie! Instead, he looks like a guy who's got one line in an early 2000s political drama.


Several NBA players had an unprecedented meeting with Pope Francis to discuss social justice issues. This feels like that episode of "Scooby-Doo" where they had the Harlem Globetrotters: You're like, "Well this is an unexpected combo, but I'm down to see where it goes!"


Trump agreed to Biden's transition only after being told by advisers that he didn't have to admit defeat, which raises an important philosophical question: If you never concede, did you really lose? And the answer is yes, yes you did.


If you're gathering with your family, at least this year you don't have to worry about what the Thanksgiving dinner argument will be: it'll be about wearing masks.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Saying COVID is the biggest subject at the G20 is like saying, "I was at the Oscars. All they talked about was movies. It was ridiculous."


The CDC urged Americans not to travel. So, of course, we're traveling — the airports are absolutely packed. What do they expect? We're the same people they had to tell not to eat Tide Pods!


Every year we look for an excuse to get out of spending Thanksgiving with our families. We finally now have one and everyone's complaining!


Fifty-four percent of Republicans say they'd vote for Trump if he ran again in 2024, which sounds like a lot until you consider the fact that three weeks ago, 94% of Republicans voted for him.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

You gotta be pretty crazy if Rudy Giuliani thinks you're a liability: "Sorry, Ms. Powell, but you're a loose cannon! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for a press conference where I say Joe Biden is the Hamburgler."


The pharmaceutical company AstraZeneca announced that one of its coronavirus regimens is up to 90% effective. And it says something about how upside down 2020 is that we're now all rooting for pharmaceutical companies: "Come on AstraZeneca! You can do this! Pfizer ain't got nothing on you!"


The music store Guitar Center has announced that it filed for bankruptcy. Turns out a lot of men don't buy guitars when they can't hit on women anymore.


Fifteen alleged members of the Philadelphia Mafia have been indicted on federal charges, including a man nicknamed "Tony Meatballs." And when the mob heard about it, they were worried: "Which Tony Meatballs?!"


President Trump is instructing his administration to begin co-operating with Joe Biden's transition team. If nothing else, it'll be good practice for co-operating with law enforcement.