Late Laughs for the week of December 23 - 29, 2018

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Jimmy Kimmel Live

World AIDS Day is Dec. 1, which -- that is something I don't understand -- why is it that AIDS only gets a day? Sharks get a whole week!


Thanksgiving is almost upon us. I hope you are ready to fight with your family.


This year, they say the average Thanksgiving meal for 10 people is expected to cost $48.90. I don't know where they get these estimates. The average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people doesn't cost $48.90. Unless you are buying your ingredients in a dumpster behind the supermarket, right?


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

The TSA just released a list of items you can and can't take on a plane for Thanksgiving. You can take a frozen turkey, but only if it's an emotional support frozen turkey.


This Thursday is Thanksgiving, and tomorrow Trump is pardoning a turkey. Then after the ceremony, the turkey will be sent to live on a farm upstate with Jeff Sessions.


Americans actually get to vote on which turkey Trump pardons, and I saw that the two finalists are named Peas and Carrots. When he heard they're named after vegetables, Trump was like, "Forget it, they're both goners."


That's right, Americans can vote on which turkey gets pardoned. You can tell the turkeys want to drag it out as long as possible, because today they asked if that vote could happen in Florida.


In an interview with Fox News, Trump said that he's planning his first visit to a war zone. The troops were glad to hear it, until they realized he's talking about Walmart on Black Friday.


Thanksgiving's almost here! Earlier today, President Trump pardoned a turkey at the White House. And I read that before the ceremony, the turkey was shampooed and dusted with baby powder to make him glisten. It's very interesting, because every morning the White House staff does the same thing to Trump.


Trump left Washington to spend Thanksgiving at Mar-a-Lago. When they heard that, every White House staffer said, "Now that's something I'm REALLY thankful for!"


Thanksgiving with the Trumps is great. Guests have the option of "white meat" or "even whiter meat."


This Thursday is the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade! I saw that the weather's expected to be very cold and windy. NBC has a plan if they can't fly the balloons: show last year's parade and hope nobody notices.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Soon we'll all gather with our families, our loved ones and, if we're lucky, people who fall into both categories.


It will be rough for people at the parade here in New York as it's projected to be the coldest Thanksgiving since 1996. In 1996, they had to cancel the big finale, Jamiroquai and Dolly the cloned sheep's tribute to Netscape Navigator.


Thankfully, another beloved Thanksgiving tradition is stronger than ever: arguing at the dinner table. According to a new research, Americans are more divided than ever. So I would avoid controversial subjects like politics, religion, sports, movies and how much voter ID you need to buy cereal.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

As you know, Thanksgiving is Thursday, and according to an official analysis, the average cost of Thanksgiving dinner is the lowest it's been since 2010. That's the upside. The downside is that's literally the only thing in the world right now that's as good as it was in 2010.


Compared to last year, people are saving an average of 22 cents a meal. You know what that means? Everyone is getting an extra half spoon of cranberry sauce.


Speaking of Thanksgiving dinner, there's a new trend in dining this year. More and more people are ditching larger size birds in favor of what are being referred to as tiny turkeys. Yeah, that's a chicken. You're describing a Thanksgiving chicken.


Part of this trend is due to an increase in "single-person households." Which is a very good phrase for covering up the harsh realities of your life. "No, no, my wife didn't leave me, she made me the proud new head of a single-person household. I've lost the family, but I've gained a chicken."


Late Night With Seth Meyers

During his visit to California on Friday to survey the damage caused by wildfires, President Trump said, quote, "Nobody would have ever thought this could happen." Really? Because it literally happens every year. Do you have the same reaction when a Fast and Furious sequel comes out? "No one saw this coming."


President Trump and first lady Melania today participated in the White House Christmas Tree delivery. And then, as usual, had a Silent Night.


President Trump will pardon two turkeys tomorrow. But first, Robert Mueller will subpoena them.


The adult website PornHub has launched a new fashion collection featuring tote bags, T-shirts and socks. Well, one sock.


According to a new report, more than 54 million Americans will travel 50 miles or more this Thanksgiving. And that doesn't include the half-mile walk to get stoned before dinner.


The CDC today released a statement warning people not to eat romaine lettuce, over concerns of E. Coli contamination. "What's that?" said Trump about lettuce and the CDC and E. coli.


According to the Washington Post, Ivanka Trump frequently used her personal email for official White House business, which was a closely held secret within the administration. Not as closely held: Don Jr. as a child.


A large-scale Lego model of the White House was unveiled yesterday for the holidays that includes between 100,000 and 115,000 Lego pieces. Or as Trump put it, "1.5 million lego pieces."


It's Thanksgiving! And it's now 12:35 a.m., which means your mom is currently beating the snot out of someone at Best Buy.


President Trump will spend Thanksgiving at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida. And he's gonna go around the table and make everyone say why they're thankful for him.


President Trump will spend Thanksgiving at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida. And if you're curious what Melania's making -- a run for it.


A website has posted a Thanksgiving recipe for a "hot turkey in an oven bag" that calls for covering a turkey in crushed "hot puffed cheese sticks". Incidentally, hot puffed cheese sticks in a bag is the Secret Service's code name for Trump.