Late Laughs for the week of December 20 - 26, 2020

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Jimmy Kimmel Live!

[Trump] seems to be showing no sign that he is getting ready to leave the White House. In fact, we hardly see him at all anymore. And that might have something to do with his hair, [which] is now suddenly completely white. The carpet now matches the supremacy.


According to one official, there is a "bunker mentality" in the White House — somewhere between Archie and Hitler.


Why would Trump think he is responsible for the vaccine just because it was developed during his presidency? Should we blame him for directing the movie "Cats," too?


Remember when O.J. went into that hotel room with a bunch of thugs to steal his old memorabilia back? This is the White House version of that.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Just because a lot of people watch something doesn't mean it's good. I hear public executions were quite popular in their day.


We're way past embarrassment. After a full term of this president, we could get our period in gym class, accidentally call the teacher "mom," trip in the hallway in front of our crush and still be like, "Yeah — better than the last four years."


You know something is terribly wrong when people voluntarily join a Zoom call.


Wow! Luke Skywalker is a Jedi Master and a political pundit! You gotta give the guy a hand … seriously, his father cut one of them off.


For 10 days, we've been able to watch the president lose over and over again. It's like Hanukkah: we thought there was only enough stupid to last for one day, but, miraculously, it just keeps going!


In America, 47 states had at least 10% more new daily [COVID] cases. Only Hawaii has seen at least a 10% decrease in new cases. Well, that makes sense. In Hawaiian, "aloha" means both "hello" and "put your mask on."


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Zoom just announced that for Thanksgiving they're lifting their 40-minute time limit on free meetings. American's are like, "I think 40 minutes of watching Grandpa slurp cranberry sauce is more than enough, thanks."


At this point, getting fired by Trump is kind of fun: you get your name in the paper, you get a book deal and you get a framed copy of the tweet.


Pizza Hut is now selling a weighted blanket that looks like pepperoni pizza. You can either buy the blanket for $150 or offer the delivery guy $75 to come in and spoon.


Nothing screams "confident lawyer" like a guy standing in front of everyone dripping in sweat.


Matthew McConaughey says he hasn't ruled out running for governor of Texas. Some people are concerned he might be too Liberal, but McConaughey assures everyone he's "alright, alright, alright."


A British magician just set a world record for performing tricks [underwater]. It's good that he was underwater. He couldn't hear the kids say, "We should have hired a clown."


The Late Late Show with James Corden

Biden is concerned about doing anything that would further divide the country — as if that's even remotely possible.


Thanksgiving is next week and various states are putting out new guidelines for a COVID-safe celebration. New Jersey is now telling people to avoid shouting and singing. Yeah, that's what we're all worried about at Thanksgiving: that Uncle Rick will drink too much and start a sing-off.


It's looking more likely that we're going to get wide access to a coronavirus vaccine in the next few months. You have to give credit where credit's due, and it's definitely not due to the guy who said that all of this would disappear by Easter.


Everybody knows you can't explain the fact that, when things are far away, they're hard to see without referencing the 1992 film "My Cousin Vinny."


Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump last week asked his senior advisers about moving ahead with a military strike on Iran. And I think it's a bad sign that I'm just relieved he didn't ask about Michigan.


Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced yesterday that he'll be giving nearly $800 million to various environmental groups. Of course, there's a 50/50 chance it'll get stolen off their porch.


The makers of Oreos have announced that they will offer a gluten free version of the cookie next year. So, if you love the taste of Oreos, these won't have that.


According to a new poll, 58% of Americans are willing to get the coronavirus vaccine once it's released, while the other 42% will wait until they're 35%.


Vice-president-elect Kamala Harris's favorability rating is at 51%. And when you adjust it for gender inflation, that's like a whole 70%!


The NYPD announced that it's launched an investigation after a video was posted on social media of a man using a flamethrower on top of a crowded city bus. And, honestly, I can't imagine anything more terrifying than a crowded city bus.