The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Trump doesn't even believe in the existence of global warming, having tweeted: "The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive," and calling global warming "very expensive BS." Of course, "Very Expensive BS" is also the motto for Trump University.

 

Conan

In Mexico, for the first time in years, an 1,100-pound man has finally left his bed. And the guy on the bottom bunk is very grateful.

 

During President Obama's visit to Greece yesterday, huge anti-Obama protests broke out. However, Obama was able to quiet down the crowd by saying, "Wait 'til you see the next guy!"

 

Ben from "The Bachelor" has called off his wedding. Apparently, Donald Trump wants to interview him for secretary of defense.

 

A woman has been charged with filing a false police report after posting that she had been kidnapped on Facebook. People grew suspicious when the woman liked her own kidnapping.

 

According to a new study, marijuana users are twice as likely to suffer from a heart condition known as stress cardiomyopathy. But they're three times as likely not to care.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

[Donald Trump] said he said he will only take a dollar a year as president. Yep, it's all part of Trump's unending commitment to never pay taxes.

 

I read that after Donald Trump met with President Obama, Trump seemed "surprised by the scope" of the president's duties. Trump said, "Who knew?!" and Hillary was like, "I did!"

 

I want to say Happy Birthday to Prince Charles, who turns 68 today. His friends got him a cake, which was nice until Queen Elizabeth popped out of it and shouted, "Still here!"

 

Apple just released a new app that lets you read books with your kids on your TV. Or, as dads put it, "Yeah, this book is about the uh ... Patriots-Seahawks game."

 

I read about a set of quintuplets in Michigan who all work at the same McDonald's. Or, as their manager put it, "Carl is the single most productive employee I have ever seen."

 

Scientists have discovered that rats actually enjoy being tickled, and even have their own version of laughing. The scientists were very excited about this discovery, while everyone else was like, "How's that Zika cure coming along?"

 

Tonight was the biggest supermoon in 69 years. It happens when the moon appears bigger because it's much closer to Earth than usual. Apparently, 2016 has been so crazy that even the moon was like, "I gotta see this for myself."

 

President Obama actually said yesterday that, if things get better under President Trump, he'll be the first to congratulate him. Well technically, he'll be the second, because Trump will congratulate himself first.

 

I read that Donald Trump doesn't want to live at the White House full time, and is thinking about commuting from New York City. It's all part of Trump's plan to Make America Great Again, and to make traffic in New York City worse than ever.

 

Trump is trying to get top-secret security clearance for his kids. Which explains why, today, Vladimir Putin asked Trump to adopt him.

 

The new "Beauty and the Beast" trailer shows candlestick Lumiere, teapot Mrs. Potts and Chip the teacup. People are calling them the most likeable cabinet members in the news this week.

 

Taco Bell just opened a new restaurant on the Las Vegas strip that has a VIP lounge, serves alcohol and has a DJ booth. They were gonna add a wedding chapel, but they figured people can only make so many bad decisions in one night.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

Famed astronomer Neil deGrasse Tyson mocked the hype [about the super moon] and said, "If you had a 15-inch pizza that became a 16-inch pizza, would you call that a super pizza?" And I think I speak for everyone when I say that depends what's on it.

 

Facebook experienced a glitch over the weekend where it accidentally posted death notifications for millions of users who are still alive. You think it's bad when your friends don't wish you a happy birthday on Facebook, imagine when they don't say anything after you die on Facebook.

 

Donald Trump continued with his White House transition over the weekend, appointing RNC chair Reince Priebus as his White House chief of staff. A lot of people are questioning this new appointment, and the biggest question people have is: Is it pronounced Rinse? Is it Rance? Reyoncé?

 

Rumors are circulating that Donald Trump has been telling his advisers that he plans to spend his weekends in his Trump Tower penthouse in New York City instead of the White House. I don't think that's what voters meant when they said they wanted a Washington outsider.

 

If he does decide to live in Trump Tower, presidential historians tell us this is the first time a sitting president will be living above a Niketown. I love that Trump thinks he can just take off back to New York. Just imagine Trump on a Friday afternoon at the White House asking his national security adviser, "Hey, you think this ISIS briefing will be over by 6:00? It's just that I've got a thing."

 

When Hillary Clinton found out Trump wasn't planning on staying in the White House on weekends, she was like, "Since you're not going to be there ... "

 

President Obama announced this week that, after meeting with Donald Trump, he plans to spend more time with his successor than presidents typically do in order to help ease the transition. When asked how long he thought the transition would take, President Obama said, "Four years."

 

Obama is going to walk Trump's team through all this. So, basically, Obama is going to be going around the White House saying, "OK, now hit Control-C. OK, now hit 'P' to print."

 

It was reported that Trump's team was unaware that they needed to replace the entire West Wing staff. Trump's team basically thought the White House was like a Best Buy that occasionally gets a new store manager.

 

Former President George W. Bush announced that he and his wife, Laura, went to an animal shelter last week and welcomed their new dog, Freddy, into their family. Yeah, apparently even the Bush family needed an emotional support dog after that election.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

I think Trump is just surrounding himself with people who make him look better. That was kind of the point of "Celebrity Apprentice." People think Trump's a great businessman because he is compared to Bret Michaels and Lou Ferrigno.

 

Donald Trump is considering splitting his time between the White House and his Manhattan residence, which would cost taxpayers tens of millions of dollars. But it's all worth it to help a billionaire go nite nite in his big-boy bed.