Late Laughs for the week of December 16 - 22, 2018

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The Late Late Show With James Corden

Multiple sources are telling the Los Angeles Times that since the midterm elections, President Trump has "retreated into a cocoon of bitterness and resentment." Hillary Clinton was like, "Now you're going to take this job from me, too?"


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, a city in Nevada broke a world record by making a 5,000-pound serving of nachos. It was fun until a guy tried to grab one chip then dragged all 5,000 pounds onto his plate.


A teenager just set a new world record by solving three Rubik's cubes at the same time. Afterward, he went out to celebrate with his best friends: those three Rubik's cubes.


I heard that during his trip, a topless female protester ran in front of Trump's motorcade. One Secret Service agent tackled her so that she couldn't get to Trump, while another tackled Trump so HE couldn't get to HER.


After two years, the CEO of Victoria's Secret announced that she's leaving. No one's happier about it than her husband, 'cause he's been waiting outside for her the whole time.


I saw that Monopoly just released a new version of their game called "Monopoly for Millennials." It's just like the original, except everyone starts out with $60,000 of college debt.


Thanksgiving is next week, and I heard about a new recipe where you can make a turkey that's covered in glitter. If you wanna pick one up, you can get them in the freezer aisle of your local strip club.


I heard that President Trump wants to fire his chief of staff, John Kelly. Yeah, Kelly was shocked. He was like, "Wait, I haven't already been fired?"


There are also reports that Trump wants to fire his Homeland Security Secretary, Kirstjen Nielsen. When asked who he'd like to run Homeland Security, Trump said, "Claire Danes."


I heard that Trump wants to raise tariffs on French wine, but since his son Eric runs an American winery, it could be a conflict of interest. Then Trump said, "That's crazy, I have no interest in my son Eric."


It just came out that Trump mocks Fox News host Sean Hannity behind his back for being a "suck up." When he heard that, Hannity was like, "Wow, that is SUCH a smart observation, Mr. President!"


I saw that today, Trump presented the Medal of Freedom to seven people, including Babe Ruth. When asked why he chose Babe Ruth, Trump said, "He's a legend -- it was his idea to combine peanuts, caramel AND nougat."


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

One aide says the president is consumed with trying to decide who to blame for the Republicans election loss. Really, does he not own a mirror?


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Donald Trump was the only guy who went to see "Backdraft" and rooted for the backdraft.


I get that California isn't the president's favorite state. But he could at least pretend to care about us. Like he does with Donald Jr.


The president went on Twitter today to demand they stop the vote while the Republicans are ahead. He said, "Large numbers of new ballots showed up out of nowhere." They didn't show up out of nowhere, they were in the mail. I refuse to believe Trump doesn't know how mail works. It's how he got at least two of his wives.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

Two men are competing to be the first person to complete an unassisted 921-mile trek across Antarctica. Which is dumb, because if they just wait a few years, Antarctica will only be like 20 miles, tops.


Yesterday was Veterans Day. "Thank you for your service!" said Trump to Colonel Sanders.


In her upcoming memoir "Becoming," former first lady Michelle Obama reveals that she "stopped even trying to smile" during President Trump's inauguration. While first lady Melania Trump stopped in the early '90s.


President Trump and first lady Melania attended a ceremony last week to welcome Justice Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court. No word on what time the ceremony was held, but I'm guessing Miller Time.


A toy company has announced that it will begin selling a Lego-inspired kit for kids called "MAGA 'Build The Wall.'" The way it works is, you scream about how much you want it and your parents never provide the funding.


A bed slept in by Bill Clinton will be sold at an auction this weekend. But before you waste your money, most beds have been slept in by Bill Clinton.


President Trump accused people of voting illegally by changing clothes in their cars and getting back in line. Or, in Florida's case, putting on a shirt and getting back in line.


According to the latest vote totals, Democrats are now on pace to gain up to 40 seats in the House and lose only one to two seats in the Senate. Democrats reportedly celebrated by Googling "how to celebrate."


Thanksgiving is one week away. So if you like dry, tasteless, white meat, say hello to the GOP's incoming freshman class!


Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

Amazon has announced that it will be opening its second headquarters in Queens, N.Y., and Arlington, Va., after it accidentally left both cities in its cart.


A lot of New Yorkers are worried about the impact Amazon will have on Queens. But I'm more worried about the impact Queens will have on Amazon.


A county in Florida became the first local government in the state's history to elect an all-LGBTQ government. For more on this, bring it up to your grandpa at Thanksgiving.


On Friday, President Trump held the Presidential Medal of Freedom ceremony and gave one to Yankee legend Babe Ruth. Because he knew that no current athlete would actually show up.


This prison reform is a good thing. And probably a trap. At best, it's a good thing, but coming from a bad place. Like when you buy baby clothes from a crackhead. I mean, it might be a great deal, but at the same time, you're like, "So this dude stole clothes from a baby?"


Post has announced they will be making a new Sour Patch Kids-flavored cereal. It's a great way to start the morning off on the right foot, because the left foot was taken by diabetes.