Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to sources, President Trump has abandoned plans to increase restrictions on vaping out of fear that it could hurt his re-election chances. Because right now he's polling at 83% among high school dirtbags.

 

According to a new poll, Mayor Pete Buttigieg now has a roughly 10-point lead over the Democratic field in Iowa. This is gonna look amazing on his college applications.

 

According to the New York Post, President Trump's childhood home has been taken off the real estate market due to a lack of interest. Incidentally, lack of interest in Trump's childhood is what got us here in the first place.

 

According to a new study, half of men say they would feel comfortable with a woman leading the government. "Just not that woman," they said about every woman.

 

Scientists have developed a new "shark proof" wetsuit material that they say will reduce blood loss from shark bites. Though it's still not as effective as my favorite method: land.

 

A bagel store manager in New York is receiving praise online after he drove seven hours to Pennsylvania to return a set of keys a customer left behind. Said the customer, "Um, I hate to tell you this but these aren't mine …"

 

Organization expert Marie Kondo has come out with a new line of 125 home and self-care products. She recommends buying them all, then throwing them in the garbage.

 

During his testimony today, Gordon Sondland said that he was involved in efforts to pressure Ukraine because he and other diplomats, quote, "followed the president's orders." And then Trump said, "Look, I don't know the president, I've never met the president …"

 

President Trump this morning addressed Sondland's testimony, saying, quote, "I don't know him very well. I have not spoken to him much. This is not a man I know well. He seems like a nice guy, though." Even worse, he stole that statement line for line from the speech he gave at Eric's wedding.

 

According to a new poll, only 41% of Democrats think former vice-president Joe Biden would be able to accomplish most of his policy goals as president. Said Biden, "Well duh, that's why I don't have any!"

 

According to experts, Thanksgiving turkeys are best paired with red wine. That way, they're more relaxed when you kill ‘em.

 

Today was the third and final day of this week's public impeachment hearings. "Finally," said Devin Nunes, only to find his car wouldn't start, his phone died, he had to walk home and he couldn't stop stepping in buckets.

 

Former vice-president Joe Biden's campaign sent out a fundraising email yesterday asking supporters to evaluate his debate performance, six hours before the debate actually took place. Said Biden, "Damn! And with the election next week!"

 

Sen. Cory Booker last night attacked former vice-president Joe Biden for coming out against marijuana legalization, and said Biden's opposition was so ridiculous, quote, "I thought you might have been high when you said it." Really? It's hard to accuse someone else of being high when you're polling at 1% and you start every sentence with "when I'm president ..."

 

Authorities in Florida arrested a man on Tuesday who allegedly robbed a bank while wearing a "Make American Great Again" T-shirt. Said the police, "Could you describe the man? I mean, other than he's white. We knew that already."

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

A new poster for the upcoming season of The Bachelor was just released and the slogan for this season is "Expect Turbulence." When they saw, Spirit  airlines was like, "Hey! Get your own damn slogan!"

 

According to a new study, 50% of people don't change their underwear every day. Yeah, HALF. So if you change yours every day, that's great, but odds are the person who sat in your seat last night didn't.

 

I saw that Netflix and Nickelodeon are teaming up to make movies and TV shows for kids. Yeah, right now Netflix is competing with Disney to make sure your kids never go outside again.

 

Apple just announced that they're launching their most powerful laptop ever, the new Mac Pro, at a cost of $6,000. Six thousand dollars for something hot to sit on your lap, or as most guys call that, a bachelor party.

 

Most of the country was hit with snow, ice and record low temperatures. Yeah, millions of Americans woke up this morning like, "Damn, this promotion for ‘Frozen 2' is nuts!"

 

Almost 70% of the country got hit with an arctic blast. You know it's cold when they start describing the weather with flavors of Dentyne gum.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We heard today from a gentleman named David Holmes of the U.S. Embassy in Ukraine. He's the guy who overheard Trump on that phone call with Ambassador Gordon Sondland. And the reason he overheard it is because the president's volume knob was turned up to 11 that day. Well you know, the thing is, the human voice really reverberates from inside a tanning bed.

 

Did you watch the Democrats debate last night? No, nobody did. Joe Biden didn't do himself any favors. ... He referred to Carol Moseley Braun as the "only African American woman elected to the senate," which came as a surprise to Kamala Harris, the female African American senator standing to his left. Well, that's the thing about Joe Biden -- he's not afraid to say the wrong thing.

 

You know, I've been watching the impeachment hearings. They went on for like 12 hours today. I've been watching in the morning at my house. I think it's having an effect on my children. Last night, I asked my daughter if she wanted a bedtime story, and she just yelled, "Read the transcript!"

 

The Democrats are slowly and methodically building their case against the president, brick by brick. Today, Mexico even offered to pay for the bricks.

 

Weekend Update

Lawyers for President Trump have filed an appeal to the Supreme Court to keep his tax returns secret. So you know they're bad. This is like if your girlfriend asked to see your texts and you just threw your phone in the ocean.

 

Free agent quarterback Colin Kaepernick held a private workout today to show that he can still play on an NFL team. And if he can't, he'll have to settle for playing with the New York Giants.

 

Italy will become the first country in the world to make it mandatory for schools to teach children about climate change. Because, as Italian scientists put it, the Earth is about to become one-a-spicy­ meata-ball!

 

The largest Starbucks in the world opened Friday in Chicago. The news was first reported in Hobo Bathroom Quarterly.

 

"Sesame Street" has turned 50 years old, which explains why Big Bird got Botox.

Beaches in southwestern France have been shut down after mysterious bricks of cocaine keep washing on shore, prompting questions like, "Which beaches?" and "Where exactly?"

 

The world's first infinity pool with a 360-degree view has opened in London on top of a skyscraper. It's perfect for anyone who wants to fall to their death playing Marco Polo.