Late Laughs for the week of August 6 - 12, 2017

« Back to Talk


Over the weekend, Los Angeles experienced a massive heat wave. Some people were so desperate for air conditioning they actually went to see the new Transformers movie.


At this weekend's G20 summit, President Trump and Vladimir Putin had a private 2.5-hour meeting. It's probably not a good sign that it ended with Putin handing Trump a single red rose.


President Trump is being criticized now for allowing his daughter, Ivanka, to sit in for him at the G20 summit. At a press conference today, the White House press secretary's 8-year-old daughter said, "It's no big deal."


On Saturday, President Trump had back-to-back meetings with the leaders of China and then Japan. There was an awkward moment when Trump asked the leader of Japan, "Hey, didn't I just meet with you?"


In Iraq, ISIS is on the verge of total defeat. You can tell ISIS is pretty much on the way out, because they've already been booked to appear on next season's "Dancing With the Stars."


Some tech experts in Silicon Valley now believe that a robot would make a better president than a human. I don't know about you, but at this point, I would vote for President Roomba.


Donald Trump Jr. released a series of emails showing he actively tried to collaborate with the Russians before the election. When he heard this, Donald Trump said, "Good luck trying to connect me to Donald Trump Jr."


Donald Trump Jr. is being represented by a mafia lawyer who has defended four New York crime families. So now the lawyer has updated his resume to say: "Defended five New York crime families."


White House chief of staff Reince Priebus has dismissed the latest Trump-Russia story as "a nothing burger."  When questioned about his really strange choice of words, he explained, "My name in Reince Priebus."


A new study just found that the Republican health-care bill has the same approval rating as Nickelback and herpes. When asked to comment, the herpes virus said, "Hey, don't lump me in with those guys!"


Over the weekend, an elderly woman flashed her chest at Dodger Stadium on the Jumbotron. It's all part of a new baseball tradition, "The seventh inning stretch marks."


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

We learned yesterday that, on June 9 of last year, Donald Trump Jr. met with a Russian lawyer after being promised damaging information on Hillary Clinton. ... The meeting took place at Trump Tower, and included Jared Kushner and then-Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort -- and proves that at least some in the campaign were willing to accept Russian help. So it's not a smoking gun, but it IS a gun meeting with a Russian bullet about their mutual desire to smoke.


Last night, I told you about how Don Jr. met with a Russian lawyer, who claimed to have dirt on Hillary Clinton. Seems pretty bad. But it turned out much worse. The New York Times reported that "Trump Jr. was told in an email that this was a Russian effort to aid Trump's campaign." Wow. Who could have predicted an email scandal would taint a presidential campaign?


At this point, I would like to issue a formal apology. I'd like to apologize to Eric Trump. We always thought you were the dumb one, and we were wrong.


The White House is defending Don Jr. One official said, "He just wants to hunt, fish and run his family's real estate business." Yes, why did we force him to get into politics?


Today, Trump met with France's elegant first lady, Brigitte Macron, and, of course, he treated her like any other woman by objectifying her.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

The president wasn't alone at the G20 summit. His wife, Malaria, and his daughter, Ivanka, were with him. At one point, Ivanka sat in for Donald Trump during a meeting with world leaders ... of course, Twitter went nuts, and that's the only thing he reads. He got very defensive. He wrote: "If Chelsea Clinton were asked to hold the seat for her mother, as her mother gave our country away, the Fake News would say CHELSEA FOR PRES!" Which is very silly. Especially because if Hillary Clinton was president, she wouldn't let anyone sit in that seat.


Donald Trump finally met his BFF, Russian President Vladimir Putin. … During their chat, Trump and Putin talked about teaming up to form a cybersecurity unit to stop future hacking of elections. For real. And it's a great idea! Think of the time it will save! They already know our passwords, so why not? It's like hiring the guy who stole your car stereo to put it back in. It makes sense.


OK, so you know how the Republicans are trying to pass this new health-care plan? Well, the Congressional Budget Office -- the CBO -- weighed in, and said that if their plan goes through, 22 million Americans would lose their health insurance. So the White House put out a video attacking the CBO. This is what they wrote: "CBO innaccurately estimated 25 million would be covered under Obamacare." And if you look closely, you'll notice they spelled "inaccurately" inaccurately, with two Ns instead of one. They misspelled inaccurately while accusing someone of being inaccurate.