Late Laughs for the week of August 4 - 10, 2019

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The Late Late Show with James Corden

Customs officials in the Philippines were inspecting a gift-wrapped box of cookies coming into the country, only to discover the box actually contained 757 smuggled live tarantulas. Customs officials would never have discovered them if one of the spiders wasn't packing a tube of shampoo larger than three ounces.



Yesterday, the U.S. women's soccer team defeated the team from the Netherlands to win the World Cup. Despite the loss, the Netherlands team still celebrated, 'cause they have healthcare.


This is the second time in a row the women's team has won the World Cup. The women's teams have done so well, the U.S. is thinking of getting a men's team.


The last time the US men's team medaled at the World Cup was 1930. To put that in perspective, in 1930, Herbert Hoover was the president and Joe Biden was a senator.


House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is not too happy. She told the younger members of Congress to stop tweeting. Pelosi said, "The real fun is checking out me and Chuck Schumer on Myspace."


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

What a crazy weekend here in New York City, there was a huge blackout for hours. New Yorkers were trapped on subways, traffic was at a standstill and there was no air conditioning at Port Authority ... then the blackout hit.

New Yorkers rallied and managed to keep calm, then everyone's phone battery reached five percent and all hell broke loose.


I heard the blackout even affected some weddings. At the Plaza Hotel, the lights went off just before a couple exchanged vows. Even worse, just before that the bride had said, "God, if this is a mistake, please give me a sign!"


Everybody's talking about this racist tweet the president sent yesterday. He told a group of democratic American congresswomen to "go back to where they came from." Meanwhile, Melania was like, "Hey, how come they get to leave?"

We're right in the middle of Amazon Prime Day, and I read that one of the top-selling items is the Instant Pot. It's also one of the most returned items when stoners realize it's not what they thought it was.


To compete with Amazon, Best Buy is also having a big sale. You all know Best Buy, that place you go to check out electronics before going home and buying them on Amazon.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump and congress are fighting. I would say they're at each others throats, but it's hard to find the throat under all the old man jowl.


The CDC reports that more than 700 people have been infected by measles this year, marking a 25-year high for the infectious disease because people aren't vaccinating against it! Your ancestors are saying, "I'd trade places with you, but I died of measles!"


Jimmy Kimmel Live

We had not one, but two major earthquakes here in Southern California, one of which was so strong, Kawhi Leonard somehow wound up on the Clippers.


You know, they used to say, "When the ground starts shaking, get under a doorway." Now they say, "Drop, cover and hold on." Don't run, drop to your hands and knees, wherever you are. Cover your head and neck so the earthquake can't see you, I guess. And hold on until the earthquake stops. In other words, get down on your knees and pray that Jesus will stop making the world shake.


Trump held what he called a "Social Media Summit" at the White House today, hosting a group that included conspiracy theorists, internet trolls, Q Anon followers -- all the worst people, people who like their own posts. There haven't been this many trolls in one room since the table read for "Lord of The Rings."


Late Night With Seth Meyers

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said today that she will introduce a resolution condemning President Trump's racist attacks on minority lawmakers. Nancy Pelosi counters attacks from a president the same way a normal person handles bad service at Starbucks. "Go back to where they came from? Oh, you bet I'll be filling out a comment card!"


New York City suffered a major blackout on Saturday that left over 70,000 people in Manhattan without power. Of course, in Manhattan, 70,000 people is two Starbucks and a Jamba Juice.