Late Laughs for the week of August 30 - September 5, 2020

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Apparently, this is a very real national security threat: the Chinese government knowing which Americans can and can't dance.


Trump gave Microsoft 45 days to make a deal, although they'll spend the first 44 days clicking "remind me tomorrow."


After months of using Dr. Fauci as a human pinata, Trump is going after his other top medical expert, Dr. Deborah Birx. I think Dr. Birx has had it. Today, she took off one of her scarves and wrapped it around her knuckles -- it's time to Birx box!


Trump has criticized Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx, which means somewhere Dr. Oz is waiting by a phone like, "This is my time to shine!"


If you don't know Jonathan Swann, he's an Australian reporter, which is fun because we got to see a Trump interview go down the drain in the opposite direction.


Stop wishing [Ghislaine Maxwell] well! She's an accused sex trafficker, not a kid going off to college for the first time!


Kraft is replacing the word "dinner" with "breakfast" on its iconic blue macaroni and cheese box. Meanwhile, Belevita is like, "Who knew we'd be the classy brand?"


At a museum in Italy, a tourist snapped three toes off a 19th-century statue while posing for a photo. When the security guard saw three toes on the floor he was like, "OK, which three statues are missing their penises?"


"Mulan" will be on Disney for $30, that's why when you click "purchase," it says, "Are you sure?" Then it says, "Seriously, are you sure?" And finally it says, "OK, Rockefeller."


Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today was Martha Stewart's 79th birthday. If you want to get her something, she already has one, she made it herself and it's way better than the one you bought.


Authorities in New Jersey cited a homeowner after they recently rented out their house for a pool party for an estimated 85 children, raising the question: how do you punish someone who is willing to have 85 kids at their house?


Former vice-president Joe Biden is expected to pick his running mate this week and make a formal announcement later this month. Then and only then will the Obamas turn their phones back on.


Fox News host Sean Hannity has released a new book entitled "Live Free or Die: America (and the World) on the Brink." So, look for it wherever books are sold, or when you're cleaning out your grandpa's house.


A Florida man was arrested last week after he allegedly purchased a Porsche with a fake cheque printed from his home computer. Which is pretty stupid, because he could've just used the money he spent to buy the ink.


A woman in North Carolina reported seeing a black bear over the weekend with a "Trump 2020" sticker on its tracking collar. And, you guessed it: no mask!


A Taiwanese airline is offering a three-hour so-called "trip to nowhere," a round-trip flight for customers who miss air travel amid the coronavirus pandemic. It will feature a Michelin-starred in-flight meal and free Wi-Fi. And, if you're wondering who would ever risk their life for that, you clearly don't have kids.


National Security Adviser Robert O'Brien returned to work at the White House yesterday following a mild case of the coronavirus. While Trump returned to the golf course after a mild case of work.


In a new episode of her podcast, former first lady Michelle Obama said the Trump administration has left her feeling like she has "some form of low-grade depression." Well, Michelle, when you go low-grade depression, I go high.