The Late Late Show With James Corden

A school district in Florida is eliminating homework for all school students this year. Yeah, no homework. It's all part of Florida's "make Florida Flori-duh again" campaign.

 

The state of Colorado has determined that the tax revenue from the sale of legalized marijuana has now exceeded half a billion dollars. Colorado has so much extra money for marijuana it can now afford a cocaine habit. Unfortunately, they've already spent all of that money on Funyuns and Hot Pockets.

 

You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that makes them says that Roombas have the capability to map out your home while they clean it, and it's planning to sell that information to Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just vacuuming; turns out it was casing the joint.

 

The other night I could have sworn I heard Roomba and Alexa talking about how much they could get for my flat screen.

 

Do you guys know that song "Despacito?" Well, the government of Malaysia has banned the song from radio and TV in that country for having obscene lyrics. They could be right. I've heard this song 2,000 times and I still have no idea what it's about.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

President Trump officially removed Anthony Scaramucci as his communications director. And this was a little awkward -- when Scaramucci called an Uber to pick him up at the White House, Sean Spicer was driving.

 

That's right, Scaramucci lost his job after just 10 days, following an obscene interview with the New Yorker. You know it's bad when you get fired after 10 days and everyone's still like, "What took so long?"

 

People are still talking about Anthony Scaramucci. ... But don't feel bad, publishers have offered him a lot of money to write a tell-all pamphlet about the experience.

 

Trump is apparently looking for a less-prominent position for Scaramucci that wouldn't require him to be seen very often. Then Scaramucci said, "You want me to be first lady?"

 

Well, yesterday was White House Chief of Staff John Kelly's first day on the job. It got awkward when he showed up and said, "Why are you writing my name on the door in dry-erase marker?"

 

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Anthony Scaramucci, gone after just a week and change on the job! The Mooch is toast! The front-stabber has been back-stabbed!

 

The Mooch lasted as communications director for only 10 days. Yes, 10 days! That's not even one whole pay period. His going-away party can serve what's left of his welcome cake.

 

On Friday, Trump hired new White House chief of staff, Gen. John Kelly … Kelly is the polar opposite of Reince Priebus, the former chief of staff. Kelly is military, Priebus is a Washington insider. Kelly's from Boston, Priebus is from Wisconsin. John Kelly has two first names, and Reince Priebus has no recognizable names at all.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Anthony Scaramucci last week called a reporter at the New Yorker and had a number of unflattering and filthy things to say about Reince Priebus and Steve Bannon. President Trump reportedly thought those comments were "inappropriate." And, you know, say what you'd like about him, he is a very appropriate person.

 

Trump tweeted about Reince Priebus: "We accomplished a lot together and I am proud of him." That's two lies in one sentence. Well done!

 

We [Los Angeles] got the Olympics in 2028! I feel like between climate change and Kim Jong Un, it's optimistic to think we'll still have a Los Angeles in 2028.

 

The slogan for the Olympics is "Follow the Sun." Which is great advice if you want people to walk into the ocean.

 

I'm excited about the Olympics. A lot of people are complaining, but I'm excited about the Olympics being here -- I hope they really go for it. I am going to start a movement to try to get them to let Snoop Dogg light the torch with a big red, white and blue blunt.

 

President Trump is breathing a big sigh of relief today – he is about to go on vacation. … Some people are angry that he's taking vacation for two weeks, but I think it's a good thing. It means we'll still be a country for at least two weeks!

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to the New York Times, President Trump has removed Anthony Scaramucci as White House communications director. Man, that was fast. If Scaramucci was Viagra, it wouldn't even be time to call your doctor yet.

 

According to the New York Times, Trump removed Scaramucci at the request of incoming Chief of Staff John Kelly. And when he heard that, Reince Priebus laughed for the first time in 18 months.

 

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was caught on video this weekend confronting a Chicago Cubs fan at a baseball game in Milwaukee. I dunno. If you wanna shock me, catch him on video governing in New Jersey.

 

Starbucks has announced that it will close down all of its "Teavana" stores by next year. A shocking blow to the "dull, impersonal gift for an acquaintance" industry.

 

After President Trump removed White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci yesterday, he tweeted, quote: "A great day at the White House!" Coincidentally, "a great day at the White House" is the average length of employment there.

 

White House officials yesterday said they hope to have a bill on tax reform sent to President Trump before December. December? Do you know how much could happen between now and December? That's 12 Scaramucci's from now!

 

According to NBC, Ivanka and first lady Melania Trump were "disgusted" by Scaramucci's crude comments to the New Yorker. They say they absolutely will not tolerate that kind of language from someone whose will they are not in.

 

A new article has been published ranking New York City's best public restrooms. And congratulations yet again to "the subway!"

 

A new Quinnipiac poll found that 33 percent of people approve of the job President Trump is doing. Unfortunately, they're all under investigation.

 

According to Vanity Fair, the Queen of England has four alcoholic beverages every day, including a glass of champagne before bed. Champagne before bed?! Who does she think she is, herself?

 

A pair of New England Patriots players were kicked out of practice this week after getting into a fight during drills. Wow, even the New England Patriots hate the New England Patriots.

 

New York City's Health Department today officially opened five public "lactation pods" for nursing moms. Coincidentally, "lactation pods" is what Mike Pence calls breasts.

 

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady turned 40 today. He tried to blow out his candles but, as usual, didn't use enough air.

 

A spa-themed amusement park has opened in Japan, which includes a hot tub merry-go-round. "Oh I can't wait to get in there!" said bacteria.