Late Laughs for the week of August 25 - 31, 2019

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A passenger that was caught vaping on a flight has been banned for life from Spirit Airlines. The man said, "My plan worked perfectly."


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Shark Week is officially here! And if you're excited by that, you're either a marine biologist or really high.


There are two more Democratic debates. Tomorrow's airs at the same time as "The Bachelorette" finale -- no matter which one you watch, you'll see a bunch of sad guys going home in a limo.


Thirty-four percent of Democrats were very motivated to watch this week's debates. That number dropped to four percent when Democrats remembered it's Shark Week.


It just came out that Siri has actually been recording people when they have sex. Not only that, Fitbit also counts how many steps you take on your walk of shame.


A Delta pilot was removed from a flight because people thought he had been drinking. Flight attendants got suspicious because he couldn't steer with two 40s duct taped to his hands.


A new study found that kids see bearded men as strong but unattractive. This study raises a lot of questions like, "Why the hell are we asking kids if they find bearded men attractive?"

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

I'm going to start the show with -- and I hope I'm pronouncing this right -- "good news?" It's been a while!


CNN's debate was broadcast from Detroit's Fox Theatre. You know their slogan: "When you think CNN, think Fox."


Most of [the debate] was a bunch of guys with no chance to win the Democratic nomination yelling Republican talking points at the people who can. It was like watching the seven dwarves offering Snow White a poison apple.


By the end of the first round of questioning, it was clear who had taken the lead in the most important contest in America right now. Hannah B. was going with Jed over Tyler, even though Jed only cares about promoting his music career, Hannah! I may have switched over to "The Bachelorette" mid-debate.


Throwing his hands up in exasperation is Bernie's signature move. "I throw my hands in the air because I profoundly care!"


The Late Late Show with James Corden

The city of Las Vegas is now experiencing a massive influx of grasshoppers. Because of all the rain they've had this year, swarms of grasshoppers are flooding the city. Please, for the love of God, let what happens in Vegas stay in Vegas!


Twenty-eight percent of food delivery drivers have eaten from a customer's order. That's shocking! Twenty-eight percent of drivers have admitted to eating a customer's food, which means 72 percent have lied about eating a customer's food.


A Japanese company recently released an odd new product. It's a set of music speakers designed to hug you from behind. They're calling them "boyfriend speakers." They are pretty realistic -- just like an actual ripped boyfriend, it makes sounds but has no way of communicating its feelings or desires.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Have 30 years of reality TV taught the Democrats nothing? You can't go from 20 candidates right to one. First you have to put them on an island and separate them into tribes!


The president weighed in today with his review of Night 1, lashing out at CNN moderator Don Lemon. We have dueling Dons, and it's not every day you see an orange attack a lemon, so that was fun.


Astronomers have discovered a new planet on which it might one day be possible for us to live … as soon as we finish ruining this one. The planet is called "GJ 357 d," which happened to be my AOL password back in the day.


There are wildfires in Siberia. The concern is that the fires could reach some of Russia's remote nuclear plants, which could lead up to a dozen more HBO miniseries.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

A Delta pilot was removed from a fully boarded flight and arrested yesterday for allegedly attempting to fly the plane while intoxicated. "How did he get alcohol?!" said people in coach.


A Florida man who goes by the nickname "Murder" and has the word "murder" tattooed on his neck pleaded guilty yesterday to murder. Well, at least no one will have to ask him what he's in for.


President Trump did not tweet for the entirety of tonight's debate, and I think we all owe a big thank you to "The Bachelorette" finale.


According to a new study, customers rated Taco Bell as the worst Mexican fast food chain. Said Taco Bell, "Guys! They called us food!"