Late Laughs for the week of August 20 - 26, 2017

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The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

On Friday, Sean Spicer resigned as White House press secretary. He wanted to spend more time not answering his family's questions.


Spicer quit on Friday because Trump appointed a new communications director, former hedge fund manager and lawyer Anthony Scaramucci. Of course, when it comes to Scaramucci, there's only one question everybody's asking: "Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Will you do the fandango?"


Not only did Sean Spicer resign over "the Mooch's" hiring, but a White House insider says, "This was a murdering of Reince and Bannon. They said Anthony would get this job over their dead bodies." That's terrible. Before this, those guys were only dead on the inside.

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

White House press secretary Sean Spicer officially resigned. That's right, Spicer said that all the greats always know when to leave on top.


Over the weekend, new White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci deleted a bunch of old tweets that were critical of Trump's platform. Trump was shocked -- he said, "You can delete tweets?"


I saw that WebMD is being sold for $2.8 billion. The owner said he was just getting tired, but WebMD says it could either be gout, polio or scurvy.


That's right, WebMD is being sold. No word on who bought it, but let's just say the Republicans finally found a replacement for Obamacare.


I read that you can now buy a new, wine-flavored jelly. Which is a great idea, until your kid's teacher calls and says, "I dunno what happened to Billy. He ate a PB&J and keeps singing 'Don't Stop Believin'.'"


Today is National Cousins Day. And if you're from West Virginia, happy anniversary!


Last night, President Trump gave a big speech at the Boy Scouts of America National Scout Jamboree. And this is cool -- his health-care bill won the award for "Scariest Campfire Story."


A new study found that procrastination might be genetic. I asked my mom if that was true, and she was like, "Yeah, I meant to tell you that 20 years ago."



The Late Late Show With James Corden

This morning, Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner, testified in front of a Senate Intelligence Committee and insisted that he did not collude with Russia. Before appearing in front of the committee, Kushner released an 11-page statement denying that he colluded with the Russians. Now look, I'm not an intelligence expert, but if you need 11 pages to explain yourself, you so colluded. It's a totes collude.


Yesterday, Donald Trump spoke at the National Boy Scout Jamboree, and it was horrific. During his speech, Trump told the Scouts that Health and Human Resources Secretary Tom Price would be fired if Congress doesn't repeal and replace Obamacare. To which the Boy Scouts replied, "Dude, we're 10."


Today, Donald Trump announced on Twitter that he wants to ban transgender soldiers from serving in the U.S. military. This is unusual -- usually, when Trump wants to keep someone out of military service, he just fakes a doctor's note saying he has a foot injury. It worked fine for him during Vietnam.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

White House press secretary Sean Spicer resigned from his post on Friday. And just for old times sake, he denied it.


According to reports, President Trump is so unhappy with Attorney General Jeff Sessions that he is considering replacing him with former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani. Damn, that's like being so unhappy with your wife that you're considering replacing her with Rudy Giuliani.


Kid Rock today further fuelled speculation that he will officially run for Senate by tweeting a poll showing he would lead a hypothetical election against a Democratic senator. Even worse, his music.


A Canadian toothpick company is selling "luxury toothpicks" for $25 per pack. Incidentally, "Luxury Toothpick" is Ivanka's nickname for Jared.


A Texas coffee company is recalling one of its roasts after male customers reported a "Viagra-like effect." Wives are calling it the worst part of waking up.


The Girl Scouts have announced that they will offer 23 new badges focused on science, technology, engineering and math. While the Boy Scouts have announced they're just gonna lay low for a while.


President Trump spoke yesterday at the Boy Scout Jamboree and bragged about his election victory over Hillary Clinton. And every scout in attendance earned the merit badge for eye-rolling.


According to the Washington Post, President Trump is considering Ted Cruz as a replacement for Attorney General Jeff Sessions. And if you thought Jeff Sessions was bad, you were right.


Newly appointed White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci said today that he's not a backstabber, but "more of a front-stabbing person." And it's very telling about this administration that they think there's a right way to stab somebody.


At a rally in Ohio last night, President Trump said that Abraham Lincoln is the only president more presidential than him. And then, this is weird, Trump invited him to the White House.


President Trump today wrote an all-caps tweet saying, quote: "IN AMERICA WE DON'T WORSHIP GOVERNMENT - WE WORSHIP GOD." Though I think most of us will happily worship whichever one gets you out of office first.


Mexican food chain Chipotle will reportedly debut its first drive-thru window at an Ohio location this fall.  And if you've ever eaten at Chipotle, you know the food is also drive-thru.