Late Laughs for the week of August 18 - 24, 2019

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The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

The heat was brutal all around the country. For the first time in years, ice cream truck drivers sold more ice cream than weed.


White House adviser Stephen Miller went on "Fox News" and said that Trump was not a racist. People at home were confused. They couldn't tell if they were watching "Fox News" or "Big Little Lies."


This weekend was the 50th anniversary of the moon landing. It's crazy, only 12 people have ever set foot on the moon, and no one has been there since 1972. It's basically the JC Penny of space.


Democrats are hoping Mueller goes out there and explains his written report on camera. It's their way of saying to Americans, "We know you didn't read the book, so maybe you'll watch the movie."


Mueller was questioned by 60 lawmakers for six hours. The only time you get grilled like that is if you're single at your family reunion.


A pair of Nike shoes were just auctioned off for a record $430,000. One day, the buyer will show his kids and say, "These are the reason you couldn't go to college."


I'm not saying Mueller was bad, but he made Bernie Sanders look like one of the kids from "Stranger Things."



The hilarious Jim Gaffigan is here. I'm happy he's here -- I think he's the only guy in show business whiter than I am.


At Disneyland, a family was kicked out after getting into a violent fist fight. They were told to leave and come back on St. Patrick's Day.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

So things are pretty bad here, but on the bright side, they're also bad in other places. Take Great Britain. They just got a new prime minister: former foreign secretary and shaved muppet Boris Johnson.


If you aren't familiar with Boris Johnson, a lot of people are comparing him to Donald Trump. There is one way in which they are different: Johnson said his childhood ambition was to be "world king," while Trump's childhood ambition was to be "Burger King."


Special counsel Robert Mueller testified for six hours in front of two different congressional committees. It was a marathon. I know my nipples were bleeding.


Everyone knew this was a historic day, especially the woman filming it on her phone. That woman's name: CSPAN 2.


At a fundraiser this week, [Joe] Biden said, "I'm not going to be as polite this time," and I'm excited for "Bad Grandpa 2: Biden His Time."


The Late Late Show with James Corden

Twin brothers in Belgium were recently arrested after getting involved in a fight, but police couldn't differentiate the brothers in the security footage. First, the authorities in Belgium thought it was one brother, then the other, then the one, then the other -- it's a classic case of Belgian waffling.


Some airline passengers were delayed when a slow-walking flamingo took a stroll across the runway. Here's the thing, though: flamingos can fly! What are you doing at an airport?


According to researchers, donkeys living in England hate the weather over there. Apparently, donkeys really dislike wind and rain. Was this a study we needed? Did we ask for this? Nobody likes the weather in England!


A company in Idaho has just developed the world's first potato infused with cannabis. This is the first potato in history that bakes you.


Ireland has just opened its very first alcohol-free bar. How does that even work? Opening an alcohol-free bar in Ireland is like serving an avocado-free brunch in Los Angeles.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

In the United Kingdom, as of tomorrow, they will have a new prime minister. And this is exciting because it is the first time the U.K. has ever had a prime minister who looks like he smoked meth in an Arby's dumpster.


Bernie ran for president in 2016, and he's hoping people are still feeling the "Bern." Though, if you are still feeling that after three years, you should probably consult a urologist.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

T-Mobile and Taco Bell are running a promotional event this weekend called T-MoBell, which gives out free tacos inside T-Mobile cellphone stores. Not to be outdone, Arby's just announced their new promotion, "Sprint to the Bathroom."


Today was Amelia Earhart Day. And people celebrated almost all the way around the world.


According to campaign finance records, Indiana mayor Pete Buttigieg has spent $300,000 on private plane travel. While Bernie Sanders just asked Spirit Airlines if they have a punch card.


Former vice-president Joe Biden told reporters last night that he won't be "as polite" during next week's second Democratic debate. Added Biden, "Let's just say that this time I won't be saying thank you after Kamala rips me a new one."