Late Laughs for the week of August 16 - 22, 2020

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

I'm glad Trump knows how to identify an elephant. If the country ever has an elephant pandemic, we'll be in great shape.


Today was Trump's first coronavirus briefing in almost three months. Usually, when someone disappears for three months, they end up on their own episode of "Unsolved Mysteries."


After being delayed for several months, it looks like "The Bachelorette" is coming back! This is interesting because usually the bachelorette and the winner become socially distant after the show.


Cheez-Its is bringing back its box that's half house wine and half Cheez-Its. Boxed wine and Cheez-Its: the official breakfast of quarantine.


The Olympics were supposed to start around this time, but now, with the virus, it's just President Trump on TV. So instead of watching gymnastics and swimming, we're watching a guy bend over backwards to stay above water.


[Trump] is working on his strategy now? That's like Ford's Theatre being like, "Good news everyone. We're beefing up security!"


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

For once, Russia is the second-biggest hacking story of the day, because yesterday, major Twitter accounts were hacked in a Bitcoin scam. Now, if you're not familiar, a "Bitcoin scam" is anything involving Bitcoin.


Joe, you're doing great by doing nothing! Stay in the basement! Someone toss a crate of Ensure down the steps and yank the knob off the door!


A lot can happen in four months. You know where I was four months ago? With other people! I had an audience! I touched their hands … probably not a good idea, even then.


You know things are bad when Mom shows up. She's not mad, she's just disappointed that we no longer have constitutional rights.


It's easy to escalate conflict in Chicago, just wear a Cubs hat to a Sox game or put ketchup on a hotdog. They will cut you!


American tourists are now banned from the Bahamas as our coronavirus cases spike, which is a refreshing change from the usual reason Americans get banned from the Bahamas: drunkenly trying to take a dolphin parasailing.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Last night, Kanye West held his first campaign rally in South Carolina. Kanye felt less like the president and more like a frazzled substitute teacher who couldn't control his class.


I love how so many people are making the crisis about themselves. I keep hearing girls say things like, "You know what? This is truly a sign from the universe that I needed to slow down." And it's like, no Becca, I don't think a half a million people died so you could recommit to your yoga practice.


Can I even trust a guy I meet online to keep six feet away? Do they really know what six feet is? Or am I going to show up and it's going to be more like 5-foot-8 and three quarters, Cody?


Mayor Garcetti just said that Los Angeles may face another stay-at-home order, but here in L.A., we're just calling it a "reboot."


Growing up as a gay kid in the suburbs of Chicago, I didn't have many books that spoke to me. I mean, Curious George was not curious about the same things I was.


If everyone wore masks for four to six weeks, we could control this pandemic, because the real problem is people breathing on each other. So if you don't want to wear a mask, fine, just don't breathe for four to six weeks. It's not like your brain was getting oxygen before.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

Doctors in Japan recently removed a live worm from a woman's tonsils. Officials are calling it "the least terrifying medical news of 2020."


Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine said in an interview that he was worried the surge of coronavirus cases means his state "could become Florida." "Buddy, you wish," said a coked-up alligator on a jet ski.


Education officials in California have announced that high school sports will not begin until December due to the coronavirus pandemic. While in Florida, practices already started for Varsity Kissing.


Former attorney Michael Cohen has written a tell-all book about President Trump. Seriously?! Harry Potter wasn't written about this much. What else is there to know?!


The fast-food chain KFC has announced that it will work with a Russian 3D bio-printing lab to create the so-called "meat of the future." While Arby's announced they're gonna stick with the meat of the past. "Relax, it's only a few days old."


President Trump was interviewed last night by Fox News contributor Dr. Marc Siegel. And, like every doctor who's ever interviewed Trump, he'd like to run some more tests.