Late Laughs for the week of August 13 - 19, 2017

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The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Last week, Trump's son Don Jr. tweeted screenshots of emails from the Russian lawyer who offered sensitive info to his dad's campaign. When he heard that his son tweeted about an ongoing investigation, Trump was like, "The student has become the master!"


Last night was the season premiere of "Game of Thrones!" But I saw that HBO's streaming site crashed during the episode. That's how crazy this show has gotten: They're killing off websites now.


On Friday, a group of 40 turtles caused delays on the runway at JFK airport. On the bright side, the turtles were moving so slow, they got hired to work at LaGuardia.


Millions of Sabrett's hotdogs that are sold here on the street in New York are being recalled because they contain small pieces of bone. While the foreman at the factory was like, "Hey, has anyone seen Jeff? Well, when you see him, tell him he's fired!"


Last week, a man in Texas got himself trapped inside an ATM machine, and he was slipping people notes through the receipt slot that said, "Help!" People taking money out were like, "I knew my balance was low, but what do you mean 'help'?!"


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Folks, things are not looking good for the president's son, Donald Trump Jr., because of a meeting he took last year with Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya. And now we've learned that there was another Russian at that meeting, Russian lobbyist Rinat Akhmetshin. Funny detail: he's reportedly a former Soviet counterintelligence officer. Of course, when it comes to Don Jr., there's not much intelligence to counter.


I have some sad news tonight. As of 10:48 p.m. eastern last night, the GOP health-care bill was pronounced dead of terminal sucking. It was always a longshot because the Republicans control only all three branches of government and can't be expected to do everything.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Did you watch the season premiere [of "Game of Thrones"] last night? More than 16 million people did. I was one of them. I never thought I'd be excited to see someone empty a bedpan. But I loved it, even though I was confused and had to have my son, Kevin, explain a lot of it to me after the show. It's like an adult version of summer school: "Who was the guy who sailed in on the black ship and proposed to Cersei?" That was Euron Greyjoy -- Theon's Uncle. "Who was the prince that met with the enemy to try to bring down the Queen who was threatening his father?" That was Donald Trump Jr.


A whole week dedicated to products made in the U.S.A. Which is funny, because almost none of the products the Trump family sells are made in the U.S.A. Donald Trump's wife wasn't even made in the U.S.A.!


Did you see that there was a mystery as to who the eighth person who was in the room when Donald Trump Jr. met with the Russians to try to get dirt on Hillary? That person's identity had not yet been revealed until today, and it's this guy: Irakly Kaveladze. First name rhymes with broccoli, that's right ... I guess Russia has nerds.


Although I do want to say, to be fair, it was hard for [Donald Trump Jr.] and for Jared Kushner and Paul Manafort to know how many Russians would be in that meeting, because, you know, sometimes they hide the smaller Russians inside the bigger Russians -- and then inside an even bigger Russian than that!


A new Monmouth University poll says there is more support for impeaching Donald Trump than there was to impeach Nixon when the Watergate scandal broke. So there you go -- he's No. 1 again!


Trailers used to be something you had to sit through before the movie you wanted to see started. Now, because of Comic-Con, people sleep on the sidewalk in Storm Trooper outfits to see them.


Fans are especially excited about the announcement that, for the first time ever, a woman will play [The Doctor]. "Doctor Who," by the way, also happens to be the name of the new Republican health-care plan.


Donald Trump wants Obamacare out. In a last-ditch effort to kill it today, the president invited all the Republican senators to lunch at the White House. He tweeted: "The Republicans never discuss how good their healthcare bill is, and it will get even better at lunchtime. The Dems scream death as OCare dies!" OCare. He wants to replace OCare with NoCare


Late Night With Seth Meyers

China reportedly scrubbed images of Winnie the Pooh from social media over the weekend after users compared the character to their president. Though it seems like it would be easier to just get their president to put some pants on.


President Trump attended the U.S. Women's Open golf tournament this weekend. So, just to be safe, the golfers got changed in their cars.


President Trump recently had his first official meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin at the G20 Summit in Germany that lasted over two hours. Which makes sense, because everything had to be translated from Russian to English, and then from English to Trump.


A restaurant here in New York has announced it will begin hosting weekly "Game of Thrones"-themed dinners. Or, for the true experience, Arby's has offered to straight up kill you.


After the failure of the GOP health-care plan, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell outlined plans to repeal Obamacare, without a bill to replace it. The same way we got rid of Obama without a good plan to replace him.


Following news that the Senate health-care plan will not pass, President Trump said that it is important to get more Republicans into office. More? Pretty sure when the Titanic was sinking, the answer wasn't "more icebergs."


According to reports, the actor who voices Kermit the Frog was fired by Disney for his "repeated unacceptable business conduct." Apparently, and this is pretty shocking, he put his hand up a co-worker's butt.


A woman in China was recently stopped by customs officials for trying to sneak over 100 iPhones from Hong Kong to mainland China by strapping them to her body. She would have gotten away with it, but then someone said "Hey Siri" and 100 voices said, "Yes?"