Late Laughs for the week of August 11 - 17, 2019

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Democrats are invoking a law that goes all the way back to 1924. The law was written by a middle-aged Bernie Sanders.


Facebook is introducing a new feature where you can select up to nine Facebook friends you would like to date. This new feature is called "cheating."


In Britain, tests of English river shrimp found that every single one of them had traces of cocaine in their system. That explains the No. 1 complaint about river shrimp: it tastes like it's been awake for days.


Things are getting tense here at Comic Con this year. Earlier today, I saw President Trump tell three Klingons to go back where they came from!


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

It's so hot, NBC has a new show. It's called, "Law & Order: Sweaty Victims Unit."


Today is the 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 launch when we first went to the moon. Back then, everyone held their breath and no one knew if we would make it. Today, that's called flying Southwest.


We're in the middle of a giant heatwave right now with temperatures in the 90s. It's crazy out there! I sat on a bench for two minutes -- when I got up, my pants had grill marks.


Officials are telling people that beer is not a good way to stay hydrated, and that you should drink water. When New Yorkers heard that, they were like, "OK, Coors Light it is."


Taco Bell just came out with a new burrito that's made with the world's hottest pepper: the Carolina Reaper. It's for people who walk into Taco Bell and think, "How can I make this bad decision even worse?"


I read about a man in Belgium who just set the Guiness World Record for sitting on a toilet for 116 straight hours. He wasn't trying to break the record, he just ate Taco Bell's new Carolina Reaper burrito.


Here in New York, the humidity is close to 100 percent! It's so humid, tonight's crowd is just last night's crowd, still stuck to the chairs.


During a heatwave, experts say it's important to check in on the elderly. That's why today, Bernie Sanders' phone is ringing off the hook.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

I would like to congratulate the entire staff and crew of "The Late Show" because this morning we received four Emmy nominations. Of course, the real Emmy is the friends we made along the way. Unless we win. Then you don't need friends, 'cause you've got an Emmy.


Was President Trump's tweet about four freshmen congresswomen racist? Well I say if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it probably just told the geese to go back to Canada.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

It was a big day today in Hollywood, you know, the Emmy nominations were announced this morning. I'll say this -- the best acting I saw this year, which did not get nominated, was R. Kelly in that interview with Gayle King. That, to me, was the No. 1 performance.


"Chernobyl" racked up 19 nominations, including Best Limited Series. As you know if you've seen it, "Chernobyl" tells the true story of how a nuclear disaster caused a whole village of Russians to have British accents for many years to come.


This is what everyone is doing right now -- the Face App. You take a photo of yourself, and it makes a very realistic-looking picture of you as an old person. Everyone is doing this. Why, I don't know -- if you want to see what you'll look like old, just have children.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

In a new interview, former vice-president Joe Biden said he would challenge President Trump to do push-ups if Trump criticized his age or mental state during a debate. Hey, just a heads-up, if someone criticizes your mental state, and your response is to do push-ups, that's not a great argument in favor of your mental state.


A Long Island man recovered his missing nine-foot-long anaconda this week after finding it in the dashboard of his van. But you should still always say no if a stranger ever asks you to get in his van to help him find his snake.


Berkeley, Calif., voted last night to rename gendered terms like "manhole" to neutral terms like "maintenance hole." They even changed the name of the local Hooters to "Torsos."


Soccer governing body FIFA announced yesterday that it has added a new rule prohibiting goalkeepers from throwing the ball into the other team's net. "Eh, you get used to it," said the Knicks.