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Late Laughs for the week of April 9 - 15, 2017

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The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

The GOP's healthcare plan came out last week and, so far, it's popular with everyone ... except doctors, hospitals, the insurance industry, patients, the elderly, Democrats, Republicans and -- what's the word? -- mortals. Yeah. These mortals, they need so much care.

 

This afternoon, the Congressional Budget Office released its official analysis of the GOP's healthcare bill and found that 24 million Americans will lose coverage under the plan. But keep in mind, that's 24 million people by 2026. And without health insurance, a lot of those people won't live that long anyway.

 

Conan

White House adviser Kellyanne Conway suggested that President Obama could have spied on Donald Trump through a microwave oven. Which is why, today, the Trump administration brought in six Hot Pockets for questioning.

 

President Trump says he's planning to travel less to other countries than previous presidents. The idea was first suggested to him by other countries.

 

This week, President Trump will meet with a Saudi prince. The man born into immense wealth with multiple wives and an exotic head covering says he can't wait to meet the Saudi prince.

 

Everyone's OK, but over the weekend, off the coast of Florida, a Carnival Cruise ship almost hit two jet-skiers. Today, the captain of the ship apologized and said, "I'll get them next time."

 

Defense Secretary James "Mad Dog" Mattis said climate change is real and is threatening global stability. He then asked that his nickname be changed to "Reasonable Dog."

 

El Chapo's lawyers say that while in U.S. custody, his health has deteriorated. El Chapo has lost so much weight, he's down two tunnel sizes.

 

Scientists believe they may have found a plant that is over a billion years old. Turns out it's just the lettuce on a Carl's Jr. burger.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

On Friday night, someone actually jumped the White House fence. Secret Service eventually caught them and said: "Sorry, but you have to stay here for ALL four years, Mr. President."

 

The creators of "Game of Thrones" just announced that the show's final season will only be six episodes, instead of 10. That's when you know things are crazy on "Game of Thrones," when even the EPISODES are getting killed off.

 

Well you guys, last night was the big finale of "The Bachelor!" And Nick wound up getting engaged to Vanessa, a teacher from Canada. Nick didn't PLAN on marrying Vanessa, but after seeing the GOP healthcare plan, moving to Canada was the logical decision.

 

I saw that the New York Jets tried to get free agent Dont'a Hightower over the weekend by giving him cupcakes and wishing him a Happy Birthday on every TV in the building. Hightower says it was nice, but it only counts if they say it on Facebook.

 

Last night, a federal judge in Hawaii blocked a second version of Trump's travel ban, and now he says he'll bring it to the Supreme Court. And if THEY block it, he says he'll take it to the Justice League.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced yesterday that Donald Trump would be donating his presidential salary to a charity at the end of the year. Credit where credit is due: Trump is getting pretty creative in the ways he's refusing to pay his taxes.

 

Trump's adviser, Kellyanne Conway, gave a TV interview on Sunday, and people noticed that she displays a photo of herself in her living room. This is true. Take a look at the photo just there. Wow, her microwave takes great pictures! Who has a framed picture of themselves, on their own, in their living room? She should change her name from Kellyanne Conway to Kellyanne Kanye.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Nick, as you know, was on "Bachelor in Paradise" -- he was runner-up twice on "The Bachelorette," and now he is "The Bachelor." If this one doesn't work out, we're going to take Nick to the vet and have him neutered.

 

The president specifically said he does not plan to fill out a [March Madness] bracket. Instead, he's going to wait until the tournament is over, then have Kellyanne Conway tell everyone he had them all right.

 

Almost everyone has a problem with [the proposed Republican healthcare] bill. It's the least popular bill since Cosby.

 

On Twitter yesterday, Rachel Maddow wrote that she had [Trump's] tax returns, and would be revealing them on-air. And, of course, everyone went nuts. This is how crazy he's made us: we're rushing to our TVs, screaming: "Quick! Rachel Maddow's about to show a 1040 form!"

 

President Trump released his proposed budget today. They're calling it "America First: A Budget Blueprint to Make America Great Again." Seems like maybe while they were cutting things, they could have cut a few words out of that title.

 

Trump's new tax plan would cut PBS, Meals on Wheels and the National Endowment for the Arts. That's right, the guy who has three oil paintings of himself in his bathroom wants to cut the National Endowment for the Arts.

 

A new No. 1 is expected at the box office this weekend: the live-action version of "Beauty and the Beast" opens tomorrow. "Beauty and the Beast" is the story of a beautiful woman from a small village who falls for a selfish, disgusting monster who lives in a palace filled with gold. Melania Trump is calling it the feel-good movie of the year.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump yesterday described the discussions over the Republican health plan as a "big, fat, beautiful negotiation." Well, he's making progress. It's the first time he's ever described anything as fat AND beautiful.

 

A woman confronted White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer in an Apple Store this weekend. Not sure where he was in the Apple Store, but it's safe to say not at the Genius Bar.

 

An Oregon man led police on a 10-mile high-speed chase on Sunday in a stolen street sweeper. On the bright side, by the time he was arrested, his community service was done.

 

Police in South Carolina charged a substitute teacher last week for allegedly being drunk while in class. Students realized she was drunk after she kept referring to lunch period as "Miller time."

 

Over the weekend, Donald Trump Jr. made his first official political appearance since his father was elected president. He hadn't planned on appearing, but someone said "Entourage" three times into a mirror.

 

A new study revealed that the brain continues to be active for a few minutes after a person is declared clinically dead. So, bad news, guys: Nana heard you say "Finally!"

 

Japan has begun opening "Owl Caf├ęs" where customers can pet birds while they eat lunch. "We should go there," said the health department.

 

Rachel Maddow reported last night that President Trump claimed over $100 million in business losses in 2005. How do you lose $100 million in 2005? Did you buy stock in Heidi Montag?

 

Today was Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg's 84th birthday. I don't know how she celebrated, but I hope it was carefully.

 

In an interview with "Fox News" yesterday, President Trump said he might not be president "if it wasn't for Twitter." Dude, you said that to Fox News? That's like telling your dad that your hero is your friend's dad.

 

Researchers are claiming that short men are more likely to go bald. Added one researcher on the study: "Um, Rick, I'm pretty sure those are babies."

 

New Jersey authorities are searching for a suspect who cut a hole in the wall of a Dunkin' Donuts and stole a safe. "Oh man, there's only cash in here!" said Chris Christie.