Late Laughs for the week of April 7 - 13, 2019

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Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to a new report, the average city bus in New York travels just 6.4 miles per hour, which transit researchers have pointed out is nearly two miles per hour slower than a rat can sprint. So next time you're being chased by a rat, don't take the bus!


A scientist in Germany has found that female dragonflies fake their own death to avoid the males bothering them. "Same," said women on Tinder.


A food company will begin selling a giant egg made up of over 100 grams of cheddar cheese ahead of Easter. "Guys, I think you lost the plot here," said Jesus.


Italy implemented new laws this week that will fine parents up to $560 for sending unvaccinated children to school if they are between the ages of six and 16. Said anti-vaxxers, "That's fine. I don't believe in Italy."


Today was Liza Minnelli's 73rd birthday. But she doesn't look a day over dramatic.


A Virginia woman was arrested this week after allegedly pretending she was pregnant in order to obtain gifts such as paid dinners and an expensive professional photo shoot from a couple trying to adopt. The couple first became suspicious somewhere around month 12.


A Texas couple has started a company which creates and sells beer for dogs, featuring names like "I.P.A. Lot in the Yard" and "Crotch Sniffin' Ale." Plus the less popular, "This Tastes Like Shih Tzu."


Actress Lori Loughlin, one of the 50 people charged for paying bribes to get their children into colleges, was released yesterday on a $1 million bond. Said Loughlin, "How 'bout we make it a million and a half and my daughter gets into law school?"


Tomorrow is Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg's 85th birthday. No one surprise her.


President Trump spent the weekend at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida. By the way, that sentence was written two years ago and yet it still works every Monday.

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Budweiser just released a new line of meat products that are infused with beer. It sounds good, until you find yourself saying, "I swear I only ate three ribs, officer."


The other day, police were called to a Taco Bell in South Carolina after a customer went behind the counter to make his own food. Police knew something was up when they heard someone got the correct order at Taco Bell.


Chef Boyardee has recalled almost 3,000 pounds of microwavable chicken and rice 'cause they contain beef ravioli. Even more upsetting, the Chef Boyardee spokesman kept using air quotes when he said the word "beef."


A woman in California was arrested after she took a six-pack of beer into a Target dressing room, chugged it, and then walked out. Afterwards, the woman apologized and said, "I'm so sorry -- I thought this was a Walmart."


Apparently there's a vending machine in San Francisco that is selling baguettes. Even those Best Buy vending machines at the airport were like, "Who's buying anything from that??"


I love Spring Break. It's that special time of year when students switch from binge drinking at school to binge drinking on vacation.


Harley-Davidson has been struggling lately, so they're thinking about getting into ridesharing, like Uber and Lyft. So if you like Uber but you've always wanted to wrap your arms around the driver, check your phone, 'cause Mad Dog has just arrived.


Here in New York, the big St. Patrick's Day Parade is on Saturday. Just so you know, it starts at 11 a.m. on 5th Avenue, and for most of you, it'll end somewhere around midnight at a police station.


The final season of "Game of Thrones" starts in less than a month! And get this -- in a new interview, the actor who plays Jamie Lannister defended his character's relationship with his sister, saying, "It's one of the few true love stories." Then the actor's real sister was like, "You know what? I'm not gonna be able to make it to Thanksgiving this year."


I saw there's a fashion designer that's selling "Game of Thrones"-inspired clothing. The clothes are so on-brand with the show that when you order them, you don't get them for two years.


In his budget proposal, I saw that Trump wants to cut spending at the Education Department by 12 percent. Fortunately, after the cuts kick in, we'll have no idea if that's a lot.


I read that a growing number of breweries are trying to make beer healthier. It sounds like a good idea, until you're at a party and someone hands you a "Kale Pale Ale."


I heard that Nancy Pelosi controls all the offices in the House of Representatives, and she just decided to take one away from Mike Pence. And just to throw extra shade, she's having it redecorated by the guys from "Queer Eye."


The March Madness bracket comes out on St. Patrick's Day, which means you have to fill it out while you're hung over Monday morning. They say it's going to be the first time everyone picks Advil to play Gatorade in the finals.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

According to a new report, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is so concerned about his own personal safety that he's had a "panic chute" installed in one of the conference rooms at Facebook headquarters. Making this the first time Facebook has ever cared about protecting someone's security.


A burglar in London recently attempted to sneak into a building through the backyard area and ended up disrupting the owner's beehives, and the burglar was then chased away by a swarm of 80,000 angry bees. Yeah, sounds like this burglar was the victim of a sting operation.


A new app has come out similar to Yelp -- it just launched -- that helps Donald Trump supporters find Trump-friendly restaurants. This way, they won't risk harassment when they go out to eat. The app's slogan is, "Hope you like Arby's."