Late Laughs for the week of April 5 - 11, 2020

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The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Last night, President Trump addressed the nation from the Oval Office. It was a nice change from his usual speeches right next to a helicopter. This is only the second time Trump has addressed the country from the Oval Office; the first was during the great McRib shortage of 2018.


Of course, the airline industry is also in trouble. But I read that some young people are taking advantage of cheap flights and booking trips. [In] one article, a girl actually said, "If I die, I die." Meanwhile, that's also the slogan for Spirit Airlines.



President Trump is continuing to downplay the risks of the coronavirus. Today he said, "Relax, you're far more likely to die from the cuts I made to Obamacare."


Due to the fears of the coronavirus, Ireland has cancelled its St. Patrick's Day parade. The Irish are being urged to stay home, get drunk and punch themselves.


A Little Late With Lily Singh

Because I've been so cheap for so long, I have a super limited understanding of how money works. When NBC asked if I wanted a 401(k), I was like, "How am I supposed to run that far?"


Nothing feels better than getting a good deal. Like, I'm sure cocaine is fine or whatever, but if it was on sale for buy one get one half off, I'd feel so high I wouldn't even need to do the cocaine.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

I think, in a time like this, we all need to laugh and be together from a distance of about, I'd say, 20 feet, or something like that.


As you may have noticed, none of you are here right now. All the people in the audience right now are some members of my staff.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

A campaign event with zero supporters, or, as Mike Bloomberg called that, a campaign event.


Six states voted yesterday in the Democratic primary, and it turned into another huge night for Joe Biden. Or, as democrats are now calling it, "Look, fine, sure, if I have to vote for him, I will."


Next Tuesday's primaries might be Bernie's last stand. And by stand, I mean slouch.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

The president stopped by CDC headquarters on Friday -- that's the Center for Disease Control -- to explain to the experts who are working on the virus that he is an expert, too.


The NCAA announced today that the basketball tournament March Madness will go on, but without fans. There will be no spectators outside of the players' families allowed in the arena. They should also consider playing without a ball. That is just a petri dish being bounced from one pair of hands to another.


When you don't have a real audience, you have to fake one. Just like Trump's inauguration.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

"Sesame Street" characters, including Elmo and the Count, appeared in new public service announcements today to encourage people to participate in the 2020 census. Though, if you're only participating in the census because Elmo told you to, I'm not sure you count as the "head of the household."


President Trump told reporters today that he has not been tested for the coronavirus. But, just to be safe, the virus has decided to self-quarantine.


The Trump campaign has reportedly cancelled a "Women for Trump" bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. And the women who were planning to attend are both disappointed.


Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

Students at Penn State held a candlelight vigil for a campus Taco Bell that is closing. Because after you eat Taco Bell, it never hurts to light a candle.


You know, I found out that the odds of us catching coronavirus are about as high as us ending up on "Saturday Night Live." And here we are.