The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

There's drama brewing in Washington because the Senate is about to vote on [Supreme Court] nominee Neil Gorsuch. But Democrats aren't going to let Gorsuch get confirmed without a fight. Sure, it's a fight they're going to lose -- but those are the kinds of fights Democrats love.

 

It's been a busy few weeks for the president. Every day he gets to work, rolls up his sleeves and gives a new job to Jared Kushner.

 

This weekend, Jared Kushner's to-do list got even longer when he made a surprise visit to Iraq. He wanted to go somewhere with less sectarian violence than the White House.

 

A judge just ruled Trump can be sued for inciting violence against protesters at a campaign rally. Although, I'm really more upset that he incited voting.

 

We have a deeply divided nation. But today it seems like everyone has come together to join the protest against the new protest ad from Pepsi.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

I heard that the White House is saving all of President Trump's tweets, so they can be stored in the National Archives. That way, future generations can read Kennedy's journals, Lincoln's diaries and Trump's insults about Arnold Schwarzenegger.

 

Oreos just launched a new limited edition flavor called "Cookies & Creme." Or as it's also known, Oreos.

 

I saw that Dictionary.com just added 300 new words, including "man bun" and "sext." As in, "If you have a man bun you will never receive a sext."

 

I read that President Trump's approval rating dropped and is now at just 35 percent. Or as Trump calls it, "20 under par."

 

Pepsi is facing criticism for a controversial new ad that shows a bunch of people protesting, and then Kendall Jenner steps in and solves everyone's problems by handing a police officer a Pepsi. And even in the commercial, the cop's like, "Are you all out of Coke, orrr ... ?"

 

Barry Manilow announced today that he is gay. Also, scientific research found that the sky is blue. Annnnd sugar is sweet. Lots of interesting stuff happening today in the news.

 

Today, North Korea conducted a missile test, which escalated tensions in the region. But don't worry, things settled down when Kendall Jenner stepped in and handed them a Pepsi.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

North Carolina beat Gonzaga to win the whole thing in a game that was just back and forth the whole night, which means March Madness is officially over. And CBS now returns to your regularly scheduled Trump Madness already in progress.

 

Here's the thing, Gonzaga: In many ways, you are actually the lucky ones. You don't have to get your picture taken with the president. It's a lose-win.

 

This week, the National Archives reached out to the White House and requested that all of the president's tweets be saved and preserved for history. Future generations: I'm so, so sorry.

 

The National Archives will showcase all the great pillars of American democracy -- the Declaration of Independence, the U.S. Constitution and the "I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke" tweet. On the bright side, one day we will have a movie where Nicolas Cage tries to steal that tweet.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The National Archives and Records Administration in Washington, D.C. -- this is where they store the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, the Gettysburg Address -- they have asked the White House to save all of President Trump's tweets. You know, it's important to have all the president's tweets, so that future historians will be able to go back and see what was on Fox News that day.

 

The president has been very busy this week. Yesterday, he signed a bill that will allow Internet service providers to collect and share your personal information and search history without asking your permission. We still can't see his tax returns, but they can see what we do online.

 

In other '90s news, AOL and Yahoo have announced that they are merging to form a new company called "Oath." That's big news. That's like hearing Blockbuster is merging with RadioShack.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The White House has announced that President Trump will donate his first quarter salary of over $78,000 to the National Park Service. Said Trump: "There's nothing more important than the people who park our cars."

 

President Trump on Friday walked out of an Oval Office signing ceremony without actually signing his two executive orders on trade. That's literally our best hope against the Trump administration: him forgetting what he came into the room for.

 

Former White House press secretary Josh Earnest recently said that former president Obama is "genuinely concerned" about how things are going in the country. In fact, today there was just a hint of sadness in his eye as he swam up to the bar to order another mai tai.

 

Bed Bath & Beyond recently announced that it will continue to sell Ivanka Trump products. So be sure to pick up her new line of "How Do You Sleep At Night?" pillows.

 

Virginia police are investigating vandalism at Trump National Golf Club over the weekend. They found graffiti that said, "Help! I don't want to be president anymore!"

 

President Trump said today that his infrastructure plan could cost more than the projected $1 trillion. Said Trump: "I don't want to alarm anyone, but it could go as high as a bajillion."

 

Today was National Hug a Newsperson Day. But if you see Bill O'Reilly, maybe just go with a fist bump.

 

UPS announced yesterday that it will begin delivering packages on Saturdays. Unless, of course, you plan on being home on Saturday.

 

President Trump said today that he is "working very, very hard" to create peace between Israel and Palestine. Said Trump: "They are absolutely my two favorite Real Housewives."

 

The Cleveland Zoo announced today that its rare black rhinoceros is pregnant. They made the announcement right after she confirmed it with her rhino-cologist.

 

A couple in California recently had a Harry Potter-themed wedding. And the best man ended up giving one of the bridesmaids Hogwarts.

 

During President Trump's meeting today with the president of China, they discussed everything from North Korea and South Korea to, at Trump's behest, East and West Korea.

 

A young girl was recently discovered living with a group of monkeys in a forest in India, and reportedly eats and behaves like an animal. When they found her, her first words were: "Can you believe that Kendall Jenner Pepsi commercial?"

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

It turns out the only thing scarier than Donald Trump acting un-presidential is Donald Trump acting presidential. In response to the Syrian regime's chemical weapons attack, President Trump on Thursday sent 59 tomahawk missiles to disable a Syrian airfield. Because when Donald Trump is angry, he always presses send.

 

This is one of those moments where it seems extra jarring that Donald Trump is our president. Even if you're a Trump supporter, it's gotta seem a little crazy that he's starting a real war with Assad while he's still bogged down in a Twitter war with Schwarzenegger.

 

Remember after Trump got elected, and everyone was like, "Stop taking Trump literally! He's not literally gonna ban Muslims and deport Mexicans and bomb everyone." All I'm saying is, if I were Hillary Clinton, I'd start getting in prison shape.

 

President Trump met with the Chinese president this week at his Mar-a-Lago estate. And when they stood next to each other for the first time, one thing became very clear: If you mashed them together, they would look exactly like Steven Seagal.

 

A woman in California was injured after she fell 60 feet while trying to take a selfie from a bridge. Worse, she no longer has a good side.

 

It was reported that Yahoo and AOL will combine to form a new company. Because no one wants to die alone.