The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday was Easter AND April Fool's. Which makes sense because Easter was the day when Jesus came back and was like, "April Fool's!"

 

This weekend, the movie "Ready Player One" topped the box office. It's about a world where people escape reality by playing a computer game. When Americans were asked if they'd ever be sucked into a digital world like that, they said, "One sec … sorry, what?"

 

Today, the Yankees had to postpone their home opener because of a snowstorm. You could tell it was cold 'cause the foot-long hotdogs were only five inches.

 

Last night was the series finale of the HGTV show "Fixer Upper." So now if you want to watch a couple remodel a house, you'll just have to watch any other show on HGTV.

 

I saw that the ratings for ABC's "American Idol" hit a new low this week. You can tell it's struggling because "American Idol" just got asked to appear on "Dancing With the Stars."

 

Khloe Kardashian says she can't wait to go to the gym after her baby is born. Then every other new parent was like, "Yeah, let us know how that plan works out."

 

It just came out that Pope Francis once said that there's no such thing as hell. Then he got stuck in Boarding Group C on Spirit Airlines and said, "Never mind! I found it!"

 

Today is Beyoncé and Jay Z's 10th wedding anniversary! Jay Z told Beyoncé, "I love you so much and can't imagine life without you." Then Beyoncé replied, "K."

 

The NCAA Tournament wrapped up last night, with Villanova coming out on top! And if you won your office March Madness pool, congratulations -- all of your coworkers hate you now.

 

Villanova really played great. They beat Michigan 79 to 62. I'm not saying Villanova was cocky, but at halftime, all five starters left for the NBA.

 

After Trump attacked Amazon on Twitter, their stock fell by five percent. It's all part of Trump's plan to get Amazon's stock to match his approval rating.

 

We have Mike Myers on the show tonight! And this is very cool -- if we asked nice, he says that he'll take all of us back to Canada with him.

 

Facebook is admitting that their information leak might be worse than they thought. And it's true, because today I logged into my Facebook, and I saw my social security number trending.

 

Tinder is testing a new feature that lets users upload two-second looping videos instead of profile pictures. People were like, "Great -- now I've gotta find a VIDEO of myself from 10 years ago."

 

In a press conference, President Trump said that nobody has been tougher on Russia than him. In fact, last night he made sure to hit Putin extra hard during their pillow fight.

 

I read that dozens of Facebook accounts linked to the Kremlin have been taken down. Russian hackers didn't mind. They were like, "Even WE don't trust Facebook anymore."

 

Trump's been keeping busy. He just met with the leaders of Latvia, Estonia and Lithuania. And until that meeting, Trump thought Latvia, Estonia and Lithuania were cast members on "The Real Housewives."

 

Stevie Wonder tweeted for the very first time yesterday. And his tweet STILL had fewer spelling mistakes than President Trump's.

 

Last night was the premiere of "Jersey Shore Family Vacation." It's actually a competition show now, and the last person left in the house gets to be Trump's chief of staff.

 

It's been a crazy week for international trade. First, the U.S. announced tariffs on China. Then China announced tariffs on the U.S. Then the U.S. put MORE tariffs on China, and China put MORE tariffs on the U.S. Then Japan turned around from the front seat and said, "Will you two knock it off?!"

 

Conan

In Indiana, police found a man at a White Castle with a container of dangerous chemicals. The man at a White Castle with the dangerous chemicals is known as "the cook."

 

Costco is selling a Doomsday food kit that can feed a typical family for a year. Walmart sells the same kit, but it only feeds a typical Walmart family for six days.

 

A couple in Afghanistan has named their baby Donald Trump. Not because they like Trump -- because their baby is always awake at 3 a.m. throwing a tantrum.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

Some hospital workers in Kenya have been suspended after doctors performed brain surgery on the wrong patient. I guess those brain surgeons weren't exactly rocket scientists.

 

Apple's new futuristic headquarters, Apple Park in Cupertino, Calif., is having some problems. The building is filled with so much clear glass that employees have reportedly been walking into glass walls. I guess Apple shouldn't have installed windows.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

[Mark] Zuckerberg will be in the hot seat. Usually, when he's in the hot seat, he's getting a perm.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to a new interview, The Rock and Vin Diesel refused to act in any scenes together for the latest Fast and the Furious movie. In fact, based on what I've seen, Diesel refuses to act in any scenes at all.

 

President Trump will travel to Peru next week for the Summit of the Americas. Said Trump: "Whoa, whoa, whoa: there's another America?"

 

CNN's chief legal analyst mocked President Trump's recent staff turnover yesterday and said Trump has been "reduced to LegalZoom" to find lawyers to represent him. Incidentally, "legal zoom" is what Trump tells his driver to do on the highway. "I'm the president! You can do a legal zoom!"

 

According to reports, Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen told Mexican authorities that National Guard troops on the border would not be armed or participate in immigration or customs duties. They also won't have uniforms or radios or military vehicles and they're just cactus.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

A family in Australia has discovered what is believed to be the world's oldest message in a bottle, which was thrown into the sea over 130 years ago by a then middle-aged Bernie Sanders.