The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Russia and America are back to being enemies. The Cold War is back on! And this time we're going to waterboard Billy Joel until he tells us who started the fire!

 

When there's been an arson, you don't really want to get updates from the guy known for flicking matches at oily rags muttering, "The flames, they are my brothers."

 

CBS is broadcasting March Madness … a phrase that also describes the last 12 months.

 

Another sign things are returning to normal: sex parties are back! The word that most surprised me in that sentence was "back." I didn't know they were actually a thing that happened frequently enough before COVID for there to be a pent-up demand. That's like reading the headline "Root beer jacuzzis return!"

 

[Miami Mayor Dan Gelber] wants a spring break that's not chaotic or disorderly, like in those famous videos "Girls Gone Mild."

 

Holy cow! Technology we don't understand, behavior we can't explain and movements that are hard to replicate … so, TikTok?

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

People are still talking about President Biden's first press conference. By all accounts, he did well and there were no major issues … and by "major issues" I mean his dog, Major, didn't eat anyone's face.

 

Fox News is upset because Biden didn't call on them for a question. They were so hurt this morning they did a show called "Fox and I Thought You Said We Were Friends."

 

New York lowered the COVID vaccine eligibility to 50 years old. New Yorkers will do anything to get vaccinated. Today I saw Times Square Elmo getting gray streaks.

 

By getting the vaccine, Putin made history as the first Russian to get injected by something and live to tell about it.

 

A study found that, on average, people gained two pounds per month during quarantine. Keep in mind some of that weight is just sweatpants that are now melded to your body.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

President Biden gave his first official press conference today. He would have given one sooner, but he spent a full month deciding if he should call on reporters with a point, a finger gun or a wink — and he landed on all three.

 

Pepsi has just announced a limited-edition Peeps-flavored line of marshmallow soda. Marshmallow Peeps soda. It's ironic that this is being released for Easter because it's the thing that makes me most question the existence of God.

 

Coffee prices are about to surge because the world is now facing a severe coffee shortage. This could be tragic. All those people who have those mugs that say, "Don't even talk to me until I've had my coffee," we might never speak to them again.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The container ship known as the "Ever-Given" was wedged in the Suez Canal for the last six days. The ship that got stuck was loaded with Ikea furniture, which means thousands of men in their 20s now have an excuse for why they don't own a headboard.

 

This is what [Trump] does now. Whenever someone plays the song "YMCA," he magically appears like Betelgeuse.

 

Did you know the average person eats about a credit card's worth of plastic every week? Forget vaccines, that's how Bill Gates gets the chips into us.

 

You know those movies where the aliens show up and all the nations join forces to fight them? I think we've learned from COVID that if that does happen, we'll be like, "You guys should go conquer Switzerland. They have no weapons at all."

 

It's April Fool's Day. Remember last year when Trump promised the coronavirus would disappear by Easter? That was a good one.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

New York City's Peter Luger Steakhouse has partnered with Madame Tussaud's museum to fill empty seats in its dining room with wax statues of celebrities. (In case you're wondering where Mike Pence has been hiding.)

 

A cat in California was recently reunited with her family after she went missing 15 years ago as a kitten. Or, and hear me out, [the] cat's look-alike.

 

A pastor in Missouri has taken a leave of absence after he told women in a recent sermon that while not everyone can look like Melania Trump, "You don't need to look like a butch, either." So, it wasn't a leave of absence so much as a sprint for his life.

 

The mayor of Lyon, France, recently caused an outrage after he announced that school menus would no longer include meat. Which means those poor kids will have to switch to white wine.

 

Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che

The Senate voted to confirm Justice Amy Coney Barrett along party lines. "Party lines" is also what Don Jr. does to prepare for interviews.

 

Bud Light has introduced new flavors of its hard seltzers for the holiday season, including Apple Crisp, Peppermint Patty and Ginger Snap. Fun tip: you can also make your own Bud Light Peppermint Patty at home by combining Scope and vodka.

 

This week there was a full moon known as the "beaver moon." Which can be seen about a month after a waxing moon.