Conan

President Trump turned down a chance to throw out the Opening Day pitch for the Washington Nationals. For some reason, Trump doesn't want to be surrounded by a bunch of large Hispanic men holding baseball bats.

 

It's come out that several of Donald Trump's businesses have ties to the Russian Mafia. So, if you're keeping track, we're officially up to season 3 of "The Sopranos."

 

Yesterday, the House of Representatives voted to get rid of Internet privacy rules. Members cast their vote, then immediately ran home to delete their browser histories.

 

Uber has released a report highlighting the diversity of its workers. According to Uber's diversity report, some of its drivers are in bands, while others are in improv troupes.

 

A new study reports that older women are doing more and more binge drinking. I asked my mom if that was true and she said, "I love you, man."

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

It came out today that Trump's son-in-law and top adviser, Jared Kushner, will be questioned about his meetings with Russian officials. And if they find out he did anything illegal, he'll be sentenced to ... still being Trump's son-in-law.

 

A woman was arrested yesterday morning for trying to scale a White House fence for the second time in a week. The Secret Service said: "We wish you were living here, too, Mrs. Clinton, but you can't keep doing this."

 

The top two movies at the box office this weekend were "Beauty and the Beast" and "Power Rangers." Then, people waking up from a 25-year coma said, "Huh. Guess I wasn't out for too long."

 

It was just announced that the Oakland Raiders will be moving to Las Vegas. People in Oakland said it'll be rough not having pro football. Then, people in Cleveland said, "Ah, you get used to it."

 

Trump's approval rating is at just 36 percent, which is lower than Obama's ever was. And the only time Obama came CLOSE to that was when he had that meeting with Trump.

 

Actually, Trump's approval rating is worse than Obama's lowest AND worse than Bill Clinton's lowest. After hearing this, Trump promised to hunt down bin Laden and sleep with an intern.

 

In a new interview, Trump's son-in-law and top adviser, Jared Kushner, said the government should be run like a company, where the citizens are the customers. Then, people said: "In that case, we have a president we'd like to exchange."

 

The White House says President Trump will not throw out the first pitch at Washington Nationals's opener. Apparently, Trump was afraid of hurting his tweeting arm.

 

I read that contestants on a reality show in Scotland spent a year in the woods, then came out to learn the show was canceled back in August. And I know how they feel, my parents once did that to me with a game of hide and seek.

 

A new study finds that cats love their owners more than they love food. You know, because they figure if worse comes to worst, they can just eat their owners.

 

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Today we learned that Trump is violating another norm because he won't throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals's Opening Day. I don't know why. Maybe he's worried his hands are too small to palm a baseball.

 

Since Taft, every president other than Jimmy Carter has thrown out the first pitch of the season opener. That means FDR did it! Let that sink in! Not only did FDR beat Hitler in World War II, he also struck him out.

 

Here we go, America! Trump won't throw out the first pitch. What else? He won't go to the Correspondents' Dinner. He won't release his tax returns. He won't put his business in a blind trust. He doesn't want to live in D.C. What presidential tradition will Trump abandon next? This Thanksgiving, those turkeys better run.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

The Republicans couldn't come up with a replacement for Obamacare in seven years. They made four Fast & Furious movies in that time.

 

The Republicans may have gotten a little ahead of themselves, because hours after the healthcare bill failed, there were actually commercials that aired on national television thanking Congressional Republicans for passing the bill. The ad then went on to congratulate "La La Land" on its best picture Oscar.

 

On Sunday, Fox News tweeted out a news alert that Donald Trump was spending the weekend working at the White House. Now this wasn't just news, it was a news ALERT. Like: "This just in, the president is actually doing his job."

 

The investigation into Trump's Russian ties is getting really crazy. Democrats are calling for Devin Nunes, the head of the intelligence committee, to step down because he took a secret meeting at the White House. Nunes wouldn't reveal who he met with at the White House. But it's safe to say it's not Donald Trump, because Trump's never there. If Nunes took a meeting at a golf course, then I'd be worried.

 

A 20-year-old woman in St. Louis has been banned from Tinder after making hundreds of dollars because her profile said, "Send me $5 and see what happens." And here's the thing, guys were just giving her $5. Usually, the only thing people give each other on Tinder is crabs.

 

A Gallup poll has just been released that shows that Donald Trump's approval rating has fallen to a historic first-year low of 35 percent. Or, as Kellyanne Conway calls it, just one more example of Trump beating Obama.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

White House press secretary Sean Spicer said today that President Trump came to Washington "to get things done." That's why, five minutes into every meeting, he says, "Are we done?"

 

President Trump yesterday made his 13th trip to a golf course since taking office. Hey man, you're the president! My only job is making fun of you, and I don't even have time to play golf. You play golf like you're trying to complete a punch card. "One more and I get a free meatball sub!"

 

Today was National Spanish Paella Day. Or, as it's called under the Trump Administration, "clam rice."

 

New research has found that most cats prefer human interaction to food. Said their owners, "So would I."

 

Democrats have called for the chairman of the House Intelligence Committee to recuse himself from the investigation into Russia's election-related hacking over concerns that he is too close to President Trump to be impartial. They want Congress to appoint someone less close to Trump. Like Melania.

 

President Trump's son-in-law and adviser, Jared Kushner, reportedly met with executives from a Russian bank that was under U.S. sanctions during the 2016 presidential election. But I'm sure there's a perfectly treasonable explanation.

 

Ford announced today it will create 130 new jobs in Michigan. "Is one of them president?!" asked Hillary.

 

President Trump told senators yesterday that they would make a deal on healtcare because, quote, "That's such an easy one." OK, well, just make sure your healtcare plan covers amnesia.

 

First lady Melania Trump spoke today at the State Department. Well, technically all she said was, "Sanctuary!"

 

According to a new poll, President Vladimir Putin's approval rating among Russians is above 80 percent. Of course, that's largely because he conducted the poll in person.

 

The House of Representatives yesterday passed a bill that would reduce Internet privacy protections. Wait, there are Internet privacy protections? Yesterday, I thought about a sweater and an ad for it popped up on Facebook.

 

Arby's is facing multiple lawsuits currently after a data breach exposed the credit card information of over 350,000 customers. The data breach could reveal potentially embarrassing information, like the fact that they ate at Arby's.

 

Vice-President Mike Pence today cast a tie-breaking vote to eliminate a rule that blocked states from defunding Planned Parenthood. Because Mike Pence only approves of one type of birth control: his personality.

 

As of this afternoon, over 300,000 people have signed a petition calling for first lady Melania Trump to either pay for her own security costs at Trump Tower in New York or move into the White House. Said Melania: "And who do I make the check out to?"

 

Hawaii's TSA recently seized a so-called "stun cane" from a passenger that is capable of delivering a one-million-volt shock. To get an idea of what a one-million-volt shock feels like, just remember what it was like to wake up on Nov. 9.

 

North Carolina yesterday reached an agreement to repeal its controversial anti-LGBTQ bathroom law. And New York City is apparently keeping its policy of "everyone can just pee wherever they want."